My Infertility Triathlon...

New Addition

2011-10-29T12:53:00.002-06:00

No, I'm not pregnant (darn) and we are not fostering (darn) and I haven't adopted (darn)but....my 21 year old nephew is now living with us! 15 years of marriage and no kids and suddenly I am living with a 51 year old husband (yes, my husband is 10 years older than me and set in his ways thus part of the frustration with not adopting or fostering--can't convince him it would be awesome for us, not that he wouldn't, but he's not that motivated when it comes to anything too difficult, like I said set in his ways) and now I have a 21 year old man/boy living here too. Trying to find a balance--I'm just the aunt, not the mom (my sister/his mom passed away 8 years ago) but he needs guidance and support so that's my story. It's new, it's different, it's only been a week! I know I like having a "kid" (or at least another person) in the house, but we'll see how it goes and hopefully I can give the boy some much needed love and guidance as we try to get him into community college and working towards some kind of degree/career so he has some direction in life. I'll keep you posted with updates!
P.S. For you crafters/knitters out there I added a new button for "Craftlit" a cool podcast/website that talks about crafting/knitting and she reads from classic works of literature...up this month for Halloween..."Dracula"...it's fun to listen to..try it!

Good for Jennifer Garner

2011-09-05T13:05:00.002-06:00

Let's see-

-I'm happy that Jennifer Garner is having another baby (she's one of my favorite earth mama type moms).

-I'm sad I still don't have any children of my own.

-I'm frustrated that my husband knows I want children, but doesn't really talk about fostering or adoption at all (rare occassion, for about 5 minutes, then it's like it never came up)

-I'm tired of everyone around me having babies or toddlers or tween/teenagers.

-I hate having health issues (Diabetes Type 2, PCOS/Infertility, now blood pressure/heart issues)...I know I know...then why want kids with all the health issues, but I do, I still want kids.

That's it--it's been an anxious, stressful weekend and I need to concentrate on losing weight and losing some of this anxiety/stress.

Enough for now, I really don't know what to say when you have an infertility blog, but can't afford IVF and have a husband who doesn't really want to adopt/foster--at least he's not jumping up to do it....what else can I say on a blog about infertility when I feel like I'm just stagnating. Any suggestions out there?

Limbo

2010-11-20T12:56:00.002-06:00

I'm still here, but I'm not sure what to say. It's been almost a year since the 2nd IVF attempt and the 2nd miscarriage. I've been pretty lost and somedays I think just move on and your getting better, then someone asks me if I'm going to keep trying or try IVF again or are we going to foster or are we going to adopt and everytime I respond, I feel like a failure...I don't know, it costs money we don't have, my insurance doesn't cover, the doctors moved on to the next patient with money or better insurance coverage, life is busy, my job is stressful, I am not sure if I want to stay with my husband, what if my ambivalence at my marriage made me lose the babies, what if I screwed up, what if I exercised too much, what if I am too fat and if I just lost more weight I would get pregnant, what if, what if, what if....all I know is that I'm not happy about some things and yet I like other things I have in my life that I didn't before all this....and through it all I know that people are selfish (myself included probably) and I at least understand why whatever higher power is in this universe made the female of the species the baby carrier, the nurturer, the mother, but what a cruel twist if you are the female species and want to get pregnant and can't....then what is the point? And if there is another point, how do you figure out what it is?
.....in the meantime I still read the blogs, though most of the people I read have gone through the struggle and come out triumphant, I need to find some new blogs of people who are still struggling or people who accepted defeat gracefully and can guide me to feeling okay about life without children, so if anyone out there is reading this and knows some good blogs for me to follow of fellow first time strugglers or people who have gracefully moved on with life sans kids, please let me know....I need some support I guess and in the meantime I do have things to say, I just don't know how to say them without judgement....but I am still here, just here is "limbo".

Absolutely Honored

2010-05-23T14:41:00.003-06:00

I am a devoted follower of Thalia even if I don't make a lot of comment posts. I find her brilliant and warm and absolutely honest about her infertility trials and tribulations and successes. She gives me hope, even if I've pretty much lost it now. It's like Meg Ryan says in You've Got Mail..."there is the dream of someone". I am now at that stage...all roads have failed, I would adopt in a heartbeat if my husband would even suggest he wanted to, instead of walking out of the room the minute I bring it up, I dream of a child someday with desperate longing and despair. Much has happened in the last year...many disappointments, IVF appointments, miscarriages, and I just haven't been able to write about it. But the other day I was at Thalia's website and saw a badge of honor...I finally made her list of blogs to check out. So I guess that it's time I get back on the horse and tell my story of the past year. Work is hectic this coming week, end of the year wrap up and reports, but after this week, I will come back and I will start to tell the tale..the good, the bad, and even among the shattered hopes and dreams, I still yearn for a child in my future even if deep inside I know that I will never be a winner.

Men, Marriage Counseling and Maybe some Hope

2009-03-11T23:54:00.002-06:00

It has been a wild not so fun ride these past 6 months...I have totally lost focus on who I am and who I want to be. I finally realized I was depressed about my marriage and the baby not happening thing and well....I let myself be sidetracked by men who showed an interest when my husband did not. I'm going to be honest here and say "NO....I did not sleep with any one else" but I was flattered by the attention of other men who made me realize that I am not dead and that I do want a baby but a baby should not define me but I think it actually does or the lack of one does. Does that sound harsh? I am not trying to say a baby will make everything hunky dorrie but I am saying that it is actually quite important for me to have a child and continue to make a go at trying to have my own child. I want a child, I want my husband to want to have a child with me to be more engaged in our marriage and OUR family unit and his seeming apathy because he doesn't like to "plan" has worn thin these past several months and I have let myself be sidetracked, not a good thing but there I've said it and I've been using these past six months to really work on myself for me, not for him....is it working, not 100% but I think some progress has been made and I certainly have gained a friend and well more up soon on the trip to the new Reporductive Endocrinologist/Infertility Specialist but I just wanted to at least post some kind of blog because it has been so long....I definitely need some support...

Where Have I Been?....even i don't know

2009-01-24T12:49:00.002-06:00

I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole. I haven't been updating this web site very much in the last few months and if I'm honest with myself it is because I have been depressed and confused all this past Autumn. Depressed about not having a child, about my marriage, and in turn that affects my life. I know I shouldn't put so much into my status as a non-mother, but it just makes me reevaluate all the other things in my life I could be doing and haven't or thinking that I am a failure at procreation, what other things have I wanted in life that I have failed at as well?

In turn I have been very angry at my husband for what seems to be his apathy at the baby making process/let's have a child whethere by birth or adoption, his apathy in my opinion towards our marriage and I just have gotten a bit overwhelmed at my feelings of loneliness and failure and have gotten sidetracked by the attention of others. Honestly....I know that sounds sad or pathetic, but a person needs validation from somewhere and I just haven't been getting it at all lately on any fronts. And so I have lost focus on the baby thing (well not really, just trying not to think about it as much while waiting to see my hopefully new infertility doctor in March), on my marriage, and on my goals in life. It's just all so lonely and hard feeling like you are alone in life even if your husband is living right there in the same house as you.

Does anyone else out there ever feel the same way? If so, what do you do to cope?

Getting to the "Make It or Break It" Line

2008-10-22T06:27:00.002-06:00

So, I did a dance of joy yesterday morning when I got on the scale and was down another three pounds! That makes it a total of 28 pounds I've lost since the middle of August!

Usually I plateau at 30 pounds then end up backsliding. I've got two more pounds to go till I hit 30 pounds lost and I am going to do my damnest to break that 30 line and keep going.

I've been taking a spinning (exercise bike) class on Mondays, yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays and trying to treadmill on the "off" days. I haven't gotten much swimming in lately but I think I'm going to try to do that on the weekends with my work schedule the way it is unless something changes.

In the meantime though, I've signed up for a personal trainer! I have my first session today and I'm trying to schedule her for Wednesdays and Fridays which would give me at least five straight days of some form of organized exercise! I am nervous about it, but I know it is the right thing to do. I need to start weight training so I can firm everything up and I want some one to show me the "proper" form. I am worried I look horrible in front of all the "already thing" exercise junkies at the gym, but I keep telling myself that "Rome wasn't built in a day" (of course, I also try not to think about the fact that "Rome also burned down") and a little embarrassment is worth it if I get the results I want in the long run.

I keep telling myself that 38 is still young and that I should want to be fit, healthy, and try to look prettier for not only myself but others. I keep thinking that my new RE appointment is in March and that 28 pounds is no mean feet in two months and at this rate I could lose another 60 pounds by March if I keep it up and don't plateau too much. That would put me not back at the weight my BMI rating says I should be, but it would definitely give me a healthier BMI to show the doctor and the weight lost would make it easier for me to hopefully support IVF and hopefully make it "stick".

So, while a very nervous me grabs my gym togs to take to work today, I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. That I am shaking off this "no baby" depression and doing something positive for myself (even if I know I'll look like a cow this afternoon at the gym)!

"Mooving" right along towards a healthy me! I'll let you know how horrid it was tonight!

In Limbo

2008-10-18T00:01:00.003-06:00

Sorry, it's been awhile since I posted. I meant to write more, but I've had a personal issue going on for about 1 1/2 months and it has been really distracting. I don't know what I am going to do, but it's something I really need to deal with just so I can move on and get back to concentrating on getting pregnant.

In the meantime, I have lost a total of 25 pounds since the end of August. That's pretty awesome for me! I am really starting to embrace the treadmill. I'm back to spinning class and yoga class and I am starting weight training with a personal trainer next week.

Even though my clothes are getting a lot baggier, I'm not going to buy any new pants until I have dropped at least 2 sizes, so that will take a little longer to achieve, but I don't want to get a bunch of new clothes, then gain the weight back, so I figure if I can go down 2 sizes, that will deserve some new pants for work!

So, I'm trying to keep up the exercise and watch what I eat. If I could just get down another 10 pounds I think I could get into some new pants!

I'll keep you posted!

Spinning My Troubles Away

2008-09-29T22:23:00.003-06:00

So, I decided to try a spinning class today. My gym calls it "Power Pedal" but it's spinning. I used to do it and loved it and so I decided to get back into it now that I'm back at the gym. I also figured that since yesterday was a long day on the treadmill, I would try something different today.

It was great. Fifty minutes of biking and sweating and just enjoying the endorphins. It was a nice change up for a day and it gave me time to just enjoy the burn and think about some things and mull them over/get them in and out of my head. Definitely a good workout. I'm going to sign up again for next Monday!

I'm so happy to be getting into the exercise finally...it feels great and it really burns off some emotional energy too!

2 hours 34 minutes=5.755 miles!

2008-09-28T23:09:00.002-06:00

So, I went in for my annual ob/gyn appointment on Thursday (more about that in another post). The point is that by the official doctor's office scale, I have lost 22 pounds since the middle of August. SHOCKING, I KNOW! Well, I can't really get into it, but I've had some motivation and it is working.

I joined a gym so I could go swimming, works been getting in the way of that lately, but I started and I hope to get back there this week. In the meantime, I've been really trying to use my treadmill. I've been watching episodes of "Alias" while I walk/jog on it. An episode of "Alias" is approximately 45 minutes long, so I'm hoping to eventually work up to 15 minutes of walking (warm up/cool down) and 30 minutes of jogging. My goal is for at least 5 days a week, but so far I'm trying to just do it at least every other day.

So, last week I could only get on for about 25 minutes on Sunday and then the rest of the week was super busy both personally and professionally, so no treadmill the rest of the week. I had an article due for work and finally completed that on Saturday, so Sunday I got up and got motivated. I decided to finish the episode of "Alias" I didn't complete the week before, then watch another full episode. I got through that and thought about stopping, but since I hadn't been on all week, I felt guilty and so I ended up walking through another episode of "Alias". A total of 2 1/2 episodes of "Alias" ended up being 2 hours 34 minutes on the treadmill for a total of 5.755 miles! Amazing and I felt great afterwards. Now I know that a slow pace for miles per minute, but the point is I did it!

After my shower (I'm trying to embrace the sweatiness of the treadmill-not my overall favorite feeling, but getting used to it) I decided to weigh myself. I hadn't been on the scale since Thursday. I got on and since Thursday, I was down another 4 pounds! Now, I'm taking my home scale with a grain of salt (since it's never the same as the doctor's office one) but still even if it's off a little at least it's still going down!!!! Yeah me!

Bedside Reading

2008-09-16T22:42:00.004-06:00

So, I stopped at Barnes & Nobles to pick up another special order. This time it was this book: The Fertility Handbook: A Guide to Getting Pregnant. Has anyone out there read it? If so, did you like it? I know it is slightly dated (copyright 2002)but I have heard good things about the doctor who wrote the book, so I decided to try it. My stack of infertility books is pretty high. At some point I'll do a post covering the different books I've already got and what I think about them. If I added up all the books I've purchased about getting pregnant, pregnancy, baby name books, female health books, I could probably afford at least 1/10th of the cost of IVF! Now, off to the treadmill, then some new infertility bedside reading!

Sydney Bristow is Still My Hero!

2008-09-11T21:31:00.003-06:00

Jennifer Garner is pregnant again! She is one of my favorite actresses, fit, no nonsense, great with her daughter, and honest about her pregnancy issues (exercise, breastfeeding, etc.). I think she is an awesome role model, even if she doesn't suffer from any infertility issues. I have always liked her work and loved her as Sydney Bristow in "Alias". She is an inspiration to have a healthy pregnancy.

So, while I am still not pregnant some things have been occurring. I lost 20 pounds in the last month. I've been cutting back on my portions and being more conscience of my eating habits. I joined a gym with a pool and have started swimming laps again. I've started actually using my treadmill again (while watching episodes of "Alias"). Things have been very positive lately and I can't really say the reason out loud, but recent events have just made me happier; have made me want to take better care of myself and try to focus back on trying to have a baby! It's time to stop feeling so depressed and discouraged and really do something about it.

On that note, after talking to a few friends, I decided to get a second opinion. Another RE was highly recommended by two people I know who had positive results from her (twins both times) and so I made a point to schedule a consultation with her. Of course she is booked solid till March, but I have heard she gets better results than my last doctor and it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion. Plus if the only solution really is IVF, that gives me 6 months to come up with the money for it. I'm not happy that by the time I see this woman I will be 39, but that also means that time is hitting a critical running out stage and maybe this is a sign that I need to be more proactive with all this and not get bogged down on all the disappointments.

In the meantime, one of my best friends is almost due to have her 5th child and while I am slightly jealous, I can't wait to be an auntie again! Well, things are looking a little brighter in my thoughts at least, so hopefully I can keep these positive thoughts going and concentrate on getting ready for this consultation in March.

Time for a Change

2008-09-05T22:24:00.004-06:00

Whew...it's been forever since I've had time to post here or even wanted to post here. This past year at work was hellish, but I survived and now my outlook is a little different on things. I've missed writing, but an infertility blog is not much if you don't have much to write about! Still no baby and not enough money set aside to pay for IVF....total bummer if I think about it.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about making some changes to this blog. I still want it to be an infertility blog, but I think I want it to be more. I've actually finally started getting into exercising (more on that in another post) and I've lost 15 pounds, but I'm not sure if I want to keep the name of this blog. Sometimes I think it limits what I can talk about here. I actually have another name in mind and I'm really debating whether I should make the switch and truly re-start this blog. I don't want it to go away, but I want more motivation to keep posting to it and I do hope I could get some constructive/positive feedback that will help support my struggle with my emotions over my infertility and my life. Maybe I am being a bit narcassitic, but while I want the anonymity of a blog to vent my frustrations and explore things in my life that I can't or don't want to share with my friends or family, I do want to know that someone out there is listening to me and gets the things I worry about, especially pertaining to this horrid thing called "infertility".

So, please bare with me and give me a few days....you might come back to a slightly revamped blog with a new name and added blogging flavor on the incites in my infertility and how it effects my life.

Thanks for being patient and being there for me, those of you who have actually been reading this blog. Back soon, I promise.

2...6...4!

2008-01-17T22:49:00.000-06:00

My Stats
CD=15
Weight=264
BMI=44.1
Offspring=ZERO!

I'm back...battered and bruised from the holidays, but I'm back. I'm also stepping up to the plate and admitting it! I got on the scale (after a very long absence) and had XY weight me. (Please, we are WAAAYYY past the innocent, new married couple stage!) It was a WHOPPING 268.2! I quickly coughed up a "juicy rationalization" with the fact that it was the end of the day and I was fully clothed!

In the harsh, morning after the bathroom/getting ready routine with just my basic necessities (just can't get on the scale totally nude...just can't) on, I came out a slightly less whopping 264. That's my number and I'm sticking to it!

I am officially entering the year 2008 with a starting weight of 264!

Let the games begin!

Count My Blessings???

2007-11-26T01:01:00.000-06:00

It has been a busy time of the year for me at work and I feel rotten that I haven't been able to keep up with the blog as much as I would like right now. Things have been happening emotionally and personally with the infertility issues, but I'm also getting slammed at work and the fact that I can't access my personal e-mail accounts from work and really shouldn't be posting to blogs using work computers has severely limited my ability to post right now.

Thanksgiving was good, but everywhere I turn I'm hearing about babies and people with infertility success stories. I should be thankful for my health and my husband but right now I just feel rotten that my infertility story is not yet a success.

Please keep reading (if anyone out there is reading this), I promise I will post a longer blog note later in the week. I have things to say about my last contact with the RE's office, other infertility blogs, how the exercise is going, and what my hopes/plans are for next year on the infertility front. It's just been a bit busy with work around here lately and some issues concerning family members that have really kept me from the computer.

Honestly more will come soon....

Tricking & Treating for IVF

2007-10-31T21:29:00.000-06:00

CD-20
TT=47 1/2 min
TM=2 mi
TTM=7.905 mi

Alias
Episode=S1E3"Parity"

Happy Halloween Everyone! I totally love Halloween. I love watching all the kids dress up in their costumes (most cute...but why do parents let their 8 year olds dress up as horror characters with the drippy blood...ewww "lost innocence") and come to the door for candy. It's the one time of the year I try not to feel guilty about feeding kids sugar and making them super hyperactive.

I (of course) bought way too much candy. We only got about 25 kids ringing the doorbell, so we ended up giving each kid three pieces of candy and still had some left over! Should I feel guilty that we didn't put the reese's peanut butter cups into the dish until the end (so there are A LOT of them left)?

The most ingenious costume, a girl dress up 1/2 as a devil and 1/2 as an angel. The cutest costume, a brother and sister dressed up as super girl and super man/boy. Halloween is a night where even if you don't have kids you can still be happy for all the children out there enjoying being kids!

As for me, I dressed up as an infertile haus frau for the holiday. (It wasn't a hard costume to make...I've had years of practice!) Next year I'd like to go as a "Mommy" but that would involve a lot of fertility drugs and medical procedures to happen.

On that note, I'm off to eat a lot of left over Halloween candy...pass me a reese's peanut butter cup will ya?!

Sydney Bristow (aka Jennifer Garner) is My Hero!

2007-10-24T23:57:00.000-06:00

CD-13
TT(Treadmill Time)=2 hr 24 min
TM (Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi
TTM (Total Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi

Alias

Episode=S1E1 "Truth Be Told" & S1E2 "So It Begins"
(S1E#=Season 1, Episode #)

I have a treadmill. It gathers a lot of dust. I bought it almost two years ago after my father passed away. It was supposed to be a symbol of a new life, a change in attitude. I was going to turn over a new leaf and become a lover of exercise, a new thinner, happier, healthier me. The dust is probably an inch thick by now and I am not a single pound lighter, but I have a plan.

I love the TV show "Alias". I have all five seasons on DVD and I've made a pact with myself. I'm going to re-watch every episode from start to finish, but I can't watch them unless I'm doing it while I walk/run on the treadmill. Sure Jennifer Garner didn't seem to have any problems conceiving her daughter, Violet, but she definitely seems to be a parent who likes the outdoors and getting exercise. Plus, the character she played on "Alias" (Sydney Bristow) could definitely kick ass against the bad guys and was always knee deep in exercise and action. I can't think of a better role model for trying to get my PCOS, overweight body in gear and try to embrace exercise, lose some weight, and hopefully make my body more fertility friendly.

The goal is to try to watch several episodes a week (although one a day would be perfect) while I'm walking on the treadmill. Each episode is about 45 minutes long (without commercials) and I think that's a good goal, especially if I work up to an episode a day. It's certainly more than I have been doing.

I started this past Sunday and watched most of the pilot (which was longer than an average episode). I ended up walking for 50 minutes and watching about 2/3rds of "Truth Be Told". Monday was super busy and I was a bit tired from the day before, but Tuesday morning I got up early for me (5:30am) and watched the rest of the pilot and then that evening I watched episode 2 (So It Begins) for a total daily time of 92 minutes. I've started off with zero incline and about a 2.5 mile speed/pace. I'm hoping to increase the incline by 1 degree each month and increase my speed by 1/2 a mile each month until I reach a 5 mile pace or have gone from walking for at least 1/2 hour to jog/running for at least 1/2 hour each session. (I can walk the rest of the episode time as a warm up/cool down period).

I think I'm off to a good start and I really think the whole "can't watch an episode of 'Alias' unless I do it while on the treadmill" will be a good motivator to get me started on the road to enjoying exercise. So stay tuned for further updates!

Robbing a Bank for Sperm

2007-10-11T16:36:00.000-06:00

CD-0.5 (sort of started spotting yesterday and today, but no "full" day yet)
Weight-thank goodness, I have an excuse not to know...no scale to weight myself available.

Pull up the getaway car...I'm not getting any younger, no time ever seems like a good-time (i.e. debt free and able to pull 12K out of a savings account)...it's time to rob my security nets.

I think I've almost gotten used to the idea that I am a failure at conceiving naturally and I am "again" not getting any younger. The only way I'm doing this is IVF with ICSI (praying it will work and not all be one horrible waste of money and time and emotions). So, I think I'm at the point where I can actually make the call to close out an old retirement account I have from a previous job, close out a bank account that was my dad's before he passed away and pool every last darn bit of loose change from the couch cushions and get this thing done. I've begun dreading the next phone call from the RE's office when they ask if I want to do the IVF in November, basically if I have the money. I'm thinking it's time for me to be proactive and pull the funds, make the plan, and contact them before they call me and I go into "panic" mode again.

On that note, I want to say "Thank You" to Pamplemousse for inspiring me. If she can once again get on a 15 hour flight to try to make her dreams come true, then who am I to get an anxiety attack about closing out a couple of bank accounts and scrabbling around for enough money to even try this once? Please, please, please if any of you are out there reading this, send as many positive thoughts to Pamplemousse tomorrow as you can!

Survey Says...

2007-09-27T22:10:00.000-06:00

I rushed home from work tonight to watch "Ugly Betty" and "Grey's Anatomy" and sitting among the new mail on the table was a letter from my RE's office. Nervously, I opened it. Would it be a letter asking me when we would pay for and get IVF#1 scheduled? Instead it was a custom service survey asking me to rate my RE's office, the doctors, the staff, the experience I've had so far.

Four failed IUI attempts all using the same drug regimen, no other options offered, go directly to IVF with ICSI. Is my satisfaction guaranteed?

I put the survey down, backed away from the table, turned to "Grey's Anatomy" for some comfort viewing and decided to give myself 24 hours before I fill out the survey and drop it in the mail.

Bummed Out and Broke

2007-09-26T23:53:00.000-06:00

I've wanted to post-really. It's just that ever since the RE said we were done with IUI and the next step was IVF, I've been feeling like a failure. Okay, I've felt like a failure in the reproductive department longer than that, but add on the cost of doing this business and I am scared that we will scrap up the money for IVF#1 and it will end up being a bust. I know, I know...think positively, but it's hard.

Neither XY's or my insurance plans covers IVF, so we are trying to figure out where to scrap up the money for the procedure. I've been dragging my feet on closing out a retirement account from a previous job that I haven't even put any money into for about 7 years, (Coincidentally, right when we started trying to have a baby). Over time the interest has rolled itself over and now the account would cover about 2/3rd's the cost of IVF. Luckily my insurance should cover the cost of the fertility drugs (since it did for the IUIs).

That account has been my fall back emergency fund (at least in my mind). XY is not the financial planner and so I'm the one constantly worrying about the bills, the credit cards, the mortgage, car loan, doctor's bills, and the savings account that is constantly getting depleted for emergency items (like car tires or Grey's Anatomy Season 3 on DVD).

So, it's been a month of brooding and worrying and putting off the inevitable. I can't shake the feeling that IVF#1 will be like jumping off a diving board with your eyes closed and not knowing if you are going to land in nice, cool blue water or hit rock, hard concrete. This is where I picture the scheduling nurse from my RE's office calling up and leaving a message on the machine telling me "you'll never know until you try, but don't forget payment in full is required before you take the plunge!"

The only good thing about this month has been a much anticipated arrival in the community of infertility blogs. Mazel tov to Thalia on the arrival of POB!

The Starting Line

2007-08-26T19:16:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-15
Weight-259 lb

Do you ever feel like you are constantly starting a project but never finishing it? I sometimes feel like Sisyphus. (The guy in mythology who constantly had to roll a rock up a hill.)

I feel like I keep starting a goal to lose weight and be healthier so that I can get pregnant and then it stalls. I know a lot of the time it is subconscious depression about two years of infertility treatments and no baby yet. (If I realize that does it make it subconscious?) I know that hearing my RE say after four attempts at IUI with fertility drugs that the next step was IVF (which we don't really have the money for right now) was a disappointment. I know that having to tell the RE's office that we can't do IVF#1 in September because we don't have the money to pay for it by then felt like a mountain was sitting on my chest. What I don't know is why with all these set backs, I still don't have the will power to see the goal of losing weight for not only my health, but also for a better chance at a viable pregnancy and stick with eating healthy, exercising, and taking my medications properly?

And so, I start again. It is almost September 1st. The company is out of the house. There are no "major" detractors (like the holidays or family stress) to get in my way. It is an optimal time to start fresh. This being the last week of August and my part crazy, part depressing infertility abounds summer, I have one week to get my s*!% together and get started on (and stick to) a new game plan.

Stay tuned!

Baby, I'm Back!

2007-08-17T10:49:00.000-06:00

Stats

CD-6
Weight-259.4 lb
BMI-43.7

I'm really sorry for the long absence. It has been a wild, crazy, and heart heavy summer. The vacation to Maine was AWESOME. Eventually I'd like to post some pictures. I'm trying to use up a roll of film so I can get the pictures developed all at once. Really must get a digital camera one of these days.

When we got back to the casa, we were descended upon by my mother and my niece and nephew from Virginia. Mom stayed for a month and the kids were here for two weeks. The two weeks "almost" went quickly and the kids kept my mom busy and the house lively. It really made XY and I realize how much lonelier it can be without a child in the house.

Mom left on Monday night. It was really hard. We kind of got used to having her here, but at the same time we missed having the house to ourselves. I'm glad that XY and I are back to being by ourselves and concentrating on our needs and trying to have a baby. At the same time, I know that my mom going back to living with my one sister isn't the best living arrangement for her permanently, but it will have to do for now. It made the end of the visit kind of tense, but we all survived it.

The hard thing was that last week (while mom was still here) the RE's office called about their IVF cycle rotation and whether they should keep us on the board as a "go" for September. It was very emotional for me, knowing that we don't have the money yet and that I would have to tell them to take us off the September board. More on that in my next post. Mainly it was just hard trying to discuss that stuff and process it with XY and myself with other people in the house listening. (It's not the biggest house and it's hard to hide things from your mother.) It made for several very grouchy days around the house. Needless to say we are not doing IVF#1 in September. We are now on the board for November, so I need to really get my act together and try to lose some weight and figure out the whole where to get some money to pay for it without resorting to robbing a bank. Anyone have any ideas or want to tell me how you ended up affording your IVF/infertility treatments when your health insurance wouldn't cover IVF/IUI?

Avoidance is My Middle Name

2007-07-20T11:46:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-???, really must get back to keeping track
Height-5 ft 4 1/2 in.
Weight-257 lbs

Okay, a quick note so that if there are actually any people out there who read this blog you won't think I have disappeared.

Well, I have a full house. Three different relatives visiting all at the same time for two weeks, then it just goes down to my mother who will be here for two weeks after that.

I just found out I need gall bladder surgery. (Sunday night trip to the local emergency room because of a really bad attack.) So, I am fitting that in-between my niece & nephew's visit and the three days of new computer system training that my boss scheduled for the first week of August.

Do you know how hard it is to feel like you are keeping two teenagers entertained when you don't have kids of your own to help you figure out what kids like to do? Tonight the whole family is finally going to see "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" at the movie theater. I am "REALLY" looking forward to it. Then tomorrow it's a quick dash to the mall to pick up the 7th and FINAL Harry Potter book.

Oh, what am I avoiding? Figuring out our finances and calling the place ARC referred me to for a loan for IVF#1 this fall (hopefully). I really must call them and get the ball rolling, but the thought of even more debt gives me the chills.

More later, must find something to do with the teenagers other than sitting around watching DVDs all day.

At least tomorrow we can all sit around reading the new Harry Potter book!

Weepy, Wacked Out Cycles

2007-07-12T10:38:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-no idea, I've got to get out the calendar and count
Pregnant-Unfortunately "NO!"
Weight-264 lbs.-Yikes (I thought I lost weight on vacation, but apparently not!)

Well, the good news is that XY & I are still alive and trying for a baby.
The bad news is...we're back from our wonderful vacation trip. Maine was absolutely gorgeous and relaxing. Once I get the pictures developed, I will try to include some on here for your viewing pleasure.

The other bad news is that despite all the rabid squirrel sex XY and I have been having lately in addition to the stress free vacation time, the pregnancy test I took this morning (after a slightly spotty, but basically non-existent period and some wishful thinking) came out with a decidedly heavy SINGLE pink line and I swear I could hear it saying "Na-nah, you're STILL not pregnant!" So, we will continue trying and hoping that we get pregnant despite this damn PCOS, but I guess for now I need to concentrate more on a healthy, less stressed, more exercise game plan. That and the whole IVF#1 thing.

Now that we are back from vacation, it is time for me to call the number I got from ARC to set up a loan for IVF#1 (hopefully sometime in September or October). It's really scary to think of all that debt (or whether they will even give us the money in the first place). It's even more scary to think of time passing us by and whether we should just concentrate on scrapping up money for an adoption instead.

Would I love a child as much if it were not mine biologically? If it were MINE (i.e. adoption goes through and we get to keep him/her) then YES. Would I feel sad about not having my own biological child? Honestly, YES, but let's face it here...a child, your child (whether it be born to you or adopted) is still a blessing (as long as it doesn't turn out to be a drug addicted, serial rapist/killer when it grows up).

So, although I feel like since we just got back from vacation, I have lost a day already. It's Thursday? What happened to Wednesday? I will definitely call the ARC number by tomorrow morning, since I have relatives arriving for a several week visit tomorrow afternoon and my privacy factor becomes greatly limited. Which also means I spend all day today and tomorrow morning hiding the "infertility" drugs, etc so that XY doesn't have to worry about my relatives asking him a lot of impertinent questions about our sex life.

Again, what happened to Wednesday? I now have less then 24 hours to get all this housekeeping done (and let me be the first to admit that I am NEVER going to be the best housekeeper in the world...EVER).

Have to go procrastinate and then get some cleaning done then procrastinate some more then madly clean all night...it's a vicious cycle!

Just a Quickie!

2007-06-25T15:16:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-25?
Vacation Day #-5

This is just a quick note to say "I'm Still Here!". Really, I'm on vacation, but I haven't had any time to post to my blog in almost two weeks and I'm going through withdrawal.

Here's a quick update:
**IUI#4-failed miserably

**Next cycle started and from CD8 though CD 16 (except for cycle day 14), XY and I had sex every day (sometimes even twice a day) and I really hoped that even without the fertility drugs and another IUI we might actually conceive on our own for once.

**Went on June 14th for consult with RE to find out "what's the next step?" Was told next step is IVF-go directly to IVF. Great, trying not to cry in RE's office. Asking isn't there anything else we can try, a different type of drug? NOPE-"IVF, but I'll put you on our "board"/waiting list right away, as the earliest we can fit you in is 3 months. Oh, and that's only if you have paid us in full for the procedure first." (Approximately $11K)

**Weird,early spotting on CD20,21,22

That's my quick infertility/cycle update. When I get back from vacation, I need to call the infertility cost lender that my RE's office recommended to try and get a loan for the IVF procedure which will hopefully happen in September since my insurance might cover the fertility drugs, but DOES NOT cover the actual IVF w/ICSI procedure.

As for the vacation, we are now in New York (state not the city). It took us 3 days of traveling through a lot of rain and possible tornado clouds to get here, but it finally feels like our vacation has really started. We stopped in Pennsylvania to visit some relatives, then headed up to New York and have now spent some time with more relatives and friends. It's been nice, but short. A lot packed into a three day stop and we definitely can't fit everyone in that we want to see, which really puts a damper on part of the vacation stop, but there is only so much you can do or so many people you can see in three days.

We leave tomorrow for an overnight stay in Boston, Massachusetts for a "RUSH" (greatest rock band ever-per XY) concert, then on to our nine day stay in Maine. I am so looking forward to all the seafood we will eat over the next week-YUM.

Well, I probably won't have computer access after tomorrow, so I won't be able to post again till we get back from our vacation. Hope everyone else is having a nice, relaxing summer trying to keep cool in this heat wave we seem to be having! Summer seems to finally have arrived! Now time for some relaxing!

A Maine By Any Other Name Is Just A State

2007-06-09T19:05:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-8
BMI-43

XY and I are going on vacation to Maine in a couple of weeks and the "trip" panic is beginning to set in already. I love traveling, the panic stems from the pre-leaving planning stage. Do we have all the reservations? What will I forget? Am I bringing enough books and magazines to read? Am I over packing? Will we have time to fit everyone in, so they don't feel slighted? Will we have enough traveling money? Will I end up buying lots of stuff I really don't need because we're on vacation and then come home and feel bad because we were too decadent? That kind of worrying and panic. No matter how I try to plan ahead, it never seems to work. But, I have two weeks, so if I sit down tomorrow and make a day to day list of things that absolutely must get done for the trip maybe this time it will be okay. Ha!

The funniest thing that has happened so far it that a friend of mine told me the standard "don't worry go on vacation, relax, and nine months later you'll have a baby and call it "Maine". Normally I would be annoyed with the "just relax" comment, but she was really trying to be supportive and actually the name "Maine" goes pretty well with our last name and it's got me thinking. It's not a bad name. OKAY, EVERYONE OUT THERE WHO IS READING THIS, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT STEAL "MAINE" AS A BABY NAME! If you want to call your kid, Texas or Tennessee or New Hampshire go right ahead, but if you have figured out who I am, live near me, or know me....DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT USE "MAINE" AS A BABY NAME. I had an incident happen a few years back where I had a baby name picked out and someone very close to me blatantly stole it (although she won't admit it to this day) and it caused me months of agony and I almost broke off our friendship because of it. It is a story for another time, but needless to say, while I am telling you this little vignette, Maine is still a cute name with a bit of cache' and so I would appreciate you enjoying the story but not "taking" the name (even if you give me credit). (I'll let you know several weeks after we get back from Maine if the name is up for grabs again.) Has anyone else out there ever had a selected baby name stolen from them by a family member, friend, or acquaintance? If so, how did you feel about it?

Well, in other news I made XY go to a "vascular" screening with me. We are getting to that age when free screenings and preventative screenings are beginning to seem important to me. Especially with the trying to conceive, the advancing years, and my other health problems, I want to know where I stand with regards to my health and how much I can do (should ignore doing) to make it even better. Well, our results came back and while XY wasn't happy that his BMI came back with him being "overweight" (get over it, it was only a point over and if he loses 5-10 pounds he'll be back to the "normal" range again) he basically had a clean bill of health for someone in their mid-forties. No plaque built up, good blood pressure, he's fine. I for the most part was also okay for someone in their mid-thirties. "No aneurysm, no plaque" with the typically higher (but still in normal range) blood pressure of someone who definitely weighs too much and has Type 2 Diabetes. The only weird note that makes my hypochondriac tendencies raise their hackles was a note that "aortic rather small". What the hell does that mean? It's not supposed to be "too large" that indicates an aneurysm, but what does "rather small" mean? I shouldn't worry, the Heart Center would hopefully tell me if that was a problem too, but I am going to call them back after the weekend just to reassure the worry wart that I am. (If it's not one freaking thing it's another.)

Like I said it's all just grist for my panic/worry tendencies that have built up over the years. It doesn't help that in trying to plan for this trip, I still have some reports to finish for work before I go. I'm also trying to clean house before company arrives after we get back. Oh and I also have my "consultation" with my reproductive endocrinologist this coming Thursday. I'm trying not to worry about it, but in the back of my head I keep thinking of questions to write down to ask her about at the appointment so I can figure out where I stand. At least yesterday, I mailed in my stupid $46 bill that I owe her clinic. That's one of those sticking points I'll probably talk about after the meeting on Thursday. (When we went for the last IUI I specifically asked the front desk person if I needed to pay the $46 still on top of the $335 for the insemination and they "didn't know"-read couldn't be bothered to check. So, right before I found out that IUI#4 failed, I got a "you need to pay this ASAP letter" from their billing department. People I'm trying to figure out how to come up with $14K to pay for a possible IVF and you're worried about $46 dollars which I would have paid you when I was in your office the last time, but you couldn't be bothered to check on it.) Okay well, I couldn't wait there you have it, that's one of the things that annoys me about the fourth failed IUI lately. It's not a big thing, but it's still grates on me when we've been going to this doctor for almost 2 years and still no results. I know that's not a very long time for some of you out there, but remember we've actually been trying for 7 1/2 years and I'm only getting older here people. Must stop now, I'm getting into a baby blues rut again. I should just go work on those reports and not worry about anything till the consultation on Thursday.

Crash & Burn

2007-06-02T09:10:00.000-06:00

It has been a hectic, busy week. Needless to say I had a bit more spotting on Tuesday so I decided to do a store bought HPT and it came out negative. The next day (Wednesday, the 30th) I did the "official, doctor's office provided" pregnancy test and again it came out NEGATIVE. (Could the single control line have been any brighter?!) So, IUI#4 is another failure. Four tries for failures. The funny thing was, that this time when it happened and I told XY, he just said, "Well, we'll just keep trying." First time he's ever really said that during all this infertility testing, drug taking, artificial insemination stuff. Sometimes he totally just surprises me with wonderful supportive words and I realize how blessed I am to have married him. "We'll just keep trying." That totally helped me from diving right into a pit of despair.

So, I called the RE's office to tell them that #4 was a bust and I now have a "consultation" appointment with my RE scheduled for next week on the 14th. Luckily it is here (she deigns to come to my city once a month for consults) rather than almost 2 hours away. I'm just hoping that she more positive than negative. I am hoping she just decides to try different drugs or something. If she says go directly to IVF I will be crushed by the fact that we really are not in a position to afford that right now, since our insurance doesn't cover it. I know we should have been saving more, but sometimes you just can't or maybe I've been deluding myself with all these other infertiles stories of IUI working and I didn't want to face the fact that it might not work for me. Either way, I need to figure somethings out and I really just hope the consultation with the RE is more positive and geared towards my needs than negative and geared towards the RE's bank account. I know, I know pessimistic, but some things regarding the RE have been happening/bugging me lately, but I'll save that for another day's post.

As it was I was so stressed out over the work week and the failed IUI, I caved and ate some bread. Very bad, but psychologically it totally made me feel better. Nothing like a food crutch to make an emotional eater feel better.

Fingers crossed for the RE follow-up consultation on the 14th!

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

2007-05-27T19:31:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-22
Days since IUI#4-11

Days w/o Bread=26

I am trying not to panic. Went to the bathroom a couple of hours ago and had a tiny bit of light pink spotting. I'm not supposed to take my pregnancy test until Wednesday (three more days). I am hoping it is just implantation spotting, but I'm fearing the worst. It's a holiday weekend and I could try to call the RE's office, but it is a Sunday and tomorrow is Memorial Day so I really don't think that anything can be done, especially this early in the cycle. XY says I should just relax and monitor it. If there is still spotting tomorrow then call the RE's office. I know he's right. I mean what more can they do? I'm already taking progesterone suppositories twice a day.

It's been a nice weekend otherwise. Relaxing. I've rented several movies including the first two "Harry Potter" movies. I want to watch all four before the new (5th) movie comes out in July. So yesterday, XY and I went for a walk around the neighborhood (about 20 minutes, but nothing strenuous). So today they are having a carnival in the parking lot of the local library. In the ten years I've lived in this city, we have never gone. So XY and I walked over (about 10-15 minute walk), looked around, played a couple of overpriced games, and had some food. He had a small (gigantic) sno-cone and I ate a funnel cake. It's more pancake batter than bread so I don't really think it was cheating. I do think it made my blood sugar go all wonky though, because when we got back I totally collapsed in the bed for about a two or three hour nap. I don't know I was just exhausted. Then when I woke up, that's when I discovered the spotting.

I've gone on a few trusted infertility blogs/sites (Thalia's Fertility Journey, BrooklynGirl, IVF Connections, Fertility Friends) and I'm just hoping that the spotting is from implantation and not my period coming early or a failed implantation. Fingers crossed, I keep praying that everything is okay and I'm really trying not to pull out an HPT and check. (Since the last time I did that during an IUI cycle I got my hopes up and then when the actual day came I got a big fat negative and later learned that HCG can create a false positive if you test too early.)

As for my 28 day "no bread" products, I've holding at approximately 8 pounds lost. I had one day where I slipped and ate XY's left over chicken burrito (darn you tortilla shell), but other than that I haven't had any problems. I don't even really miss all that bread! There's hope for my carb loading eating habits yet.

In the meantime, I am going to try to stay positive and wait till Wednesday for my pregnancy test. I'm really hoping this spotting was an anomaly and that it won't happen again. If anyone out there feels like sending positive thoughts my way, they would be much appreciated. That's all you can do right? Try to stay positive.

The Waiting Game

2007-05-23T19:27:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-18
Weight-248.4 lb
BMI-43.7 (by my scale)

Days w/o Bread=22

Between work and this IUI cycle it has been a crazy two weeks. I did the Follistim and Ganirellix again on CD 8. I did my HCG trigger shot on the following day. (Monday, CD 9). Tuesday was a day of rest. Then last Wednesday (CD 9) it was the two hour drive to the fertility clinic for IUI#4. It went pretty well. We had to be there by 7:20am, so that XY could make his deposit. About an hour and a half later it was my turn. This time the procedure was done by one of the nurses, but I like her a lot and I didn't even feel it when she inserted the catheter. XY's count was 193,000,000 swimmers so unless someone pipes up and tells me that sucks, I'm pretty happy with that amount. Of course, it was the usual "only 10 minute" wait till I could put my legs down and head home. (We milked it for an extra 5 minutes though-just to make me feel better.) Is it just me or does every other gal out there hate the thought of having a plastic bag covered sponge stuck up their cooch for 4 hours after the procedure. Granted it doesn't hurt and if they do it right, you can't feel it, but not exactly a highlight on my "to do" list.

Well, afterwards XY was sweet enough to offer up the caveats of lunch at a nice restaurant and a trip to Borders. Strolling around Borders before the cramps start up (a given) for magazines and books to lay around and look at in bed later that afternoon is definitely a nice way to say "thanks for trying to get knocked up with my baby."

So, of course the final instructions were "have sex" tomorrow, then start up with the Prometrium 200mg supplements twice a day the day after that during the 2WW. That's where we're at-it's been a week of fun suppositories, but if it works...I'm all for it! That's it for now. Time to get back to concentrating on the season finale of "Lost". I will be so sad if they kill Charlie off and it is permanent!

Hugh Darling...Could You Pass Me That Shot of Ganirelix?

2007-05-13T23:12:00.000-06:00

Stats

CD-8 (Sunday night)
Fertility Drugs-Follistim 225, Ganirelix 0.5 mL syringe (Sat & Sun nights)
Other Medications-Prenatal & Vitamin C, Synthroid, Metformin x2

Days w/o Bread=12

Well, three more days till IUI#4. I'm trying to stay positive, happy, and in the "this time it's going to work" mood. My meds have been upped from just Follistim 225 to Follistim 225 plus a syringe of Ganirelix .5 mL last night and tonight. A funny thing happened on the way to the injection site.

Last night, I promised my neighbor we would go see "Music and Lyrics" at the cheap theater. I had asked her if she wanted to go Friday, but that was a bust and we rescheduled for Saturday. Unfortunately I had a new desk delivered at 6:45am! Let me tell you right now, I am NOT a morning person. To make matters worse, I had a whopping case of insomnia the night before and didn't get to bed till almost 5:30am as it was. The closer it gets to summer, the more insomnia creeps into my life. Add that to the fact that I am totally worried about IUI try #4 and you have a recipe for a disastrously unproductive weekend. After the wonderful, new desk was delivered and set up, I trundled back to bed in zombie like fashion. Unfortunately my sweet XY decided to wake me up four hours later because he wanted me to eat something. ("Well you're Type II diabetic, I was worried about your blood sugar.") After having eaten something, I proceeded to get in a very snippy row with XY because he was loudly complaining about the dirty dishes in the sink (okay they were bad and the pile was high) while I was trying to go back to sleep. One clean sink of dishes later (of course that wasn't all of them) and one threat that he'd better not do the rest of them while I was sleeping (otherwise he should have just kept his mouth shut in the first place and let me sleep), I was back in coma land. Only to be woken up three hours later by the phone and the neighbor across the street wanting to know what time we were leaving for the movie. Not wanting to drag this out any further (even though I was totally worried about taking my fertility drugs on time) I told her 6:30pm and proceeded to drag myself out of bed and take a shower to wake up.

I did try to call the pharmacy in Massachusetts where my fertility drugs come from, but unfortunately they were already closed for the day. I then proceeded to try the previous pharmacy I got my drugs from in Texas (the one I really liked till my bastard insurance company switched preferred providers on me) but they were also closed. I finally called the local pharmacy and just asked them what date to go by, the weird "discard" date or the "expiration" date. They said expiration date, so I felt better that I would not be wasting any fertility drugs and took the gal on the phone's word for it.

Follistim AQ pen and Ganirelix Acetate prefilled syringe in my bag, I headed off to see the dishy Hugh Grant on the celluloid screen. The movie was pretty good for a chick flick. Brad Garrett's sidekick manager/friend character could have been funnier and Drew Barrymore's character could have been a little less neurotic, but Hugh was definitely dishy. They even threw in an obligatory naked chest scene. All the more reason to pay my $3 plus popcorn and diet pop to go see Hugh on the big scene. Of course, I did keep checking my watch to see if 9pm was fast approaching. (My shoot up time.) The credits were just rolling at 9pm and I didn't want to wait another 15-30 minutes to take my fertility shots at home, so I slipped into the bathroom to shoot up. There were three girls ahead of me, who gave me a "don't queue barge" look when I passed them to get to the sinks and wash my hands. By the time I had disinfected and pulled out the syringes the line was twice as long and I really didn't want to pull down my jeans, expose my jelly belly, and shoot up in front of a bunch of strangers so I got back in line. I felt I had to explain to the woman next to me why I was getting back in line when she looked at the case in my hand and proceeded to ask me if I hadn't already gone. So of course everyone else in line heard me say "well I have to take some meds and I'm sure no one wants to watch me stick a needle in myself." Great-but frankly I'll never see those people again, so who cares. I finally got in a stall and was giving myself the second injection when my neighbor popped in to check if I was okay. Explaining about the line of people and the prep time (okay it took me 20 minutes to do the whole thing) I exited the stall and proceeded to head out the door. Frankly I hate that my neighbor knows so much about my fertility stuff, since it's not like she's my best friend or anything, but somehow it is easier to just give her too much information when she asks questions than to try to fake the fact that I am going through all this. I guess I feel that if people ask, I'd rather tell them warts and all then try to spare them their "discomfort". Hey if you ask, I'm gonna tell. If you don't want to know, then don't ask.

So, that was last night. Today was much more productive (although never productive enough). I took the second set of Follistim and Ganirelix shots with little incident. (Okay the plunger on the Ganirelix almost came off, but I didn't panic and got it all injected in me so everything should be fine.) I've been a little crampy and gassy since then, but that's a small price to pay for the chance to get pregnant and have a baby.

Tomorrow, the trigger shot! [I have another meeting tomorrow night, but I am definitely leaving said meeting early if it looks like it will go past 8pm. There is NO WAY I am going to try to mix up an HCG shot of liquid with powder and change the long needle to a short needle in the bathroom of Red Lobster. Not if I can help it!]

P.S. XY and I did get in one bit of business this morning, so that is one less thing I have to worry about. You would think sex would be relaxing, but when the RE nurse is telling you a minimum of 2-3 days abstinence before the procedure, well I want it all to go off without a hitch and work and XY just feels the pressure to perform. It doesn't make for the most relaxing baby making. I'll just be happy once it's Wednesday afternoon and IUI#4 is done. Course, then there is the 2WW, but let's not put the cart before the horse just yet.

Freaking Eater of Blog Post.....

2007-05-11T23:57:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-6
Fertility Drugs-Follistim AQ
Other Drugs-Synthroid, Metformin x2, Prenatal & Vitamin C

Days w/o Bread=10

I am so freaking pissed right now! I just wrote this long post about what's going on right now and the bloody computer ate it!

Basically I am freaking out about the fact that I screwed up and got sidetracked and took my Follistim (225 units) shot an hour late. It was supposed to be at 9pm and I spaced it and didn't realize till 10pm that I hadn't taken it. Of course, I jumped up and took it right away then, but I'm freaking that it might screw up IUI#4. I went and tried to look at another infertility blog to see if I could find the answer. I finally Googled it and found a website for an infertility clinic with a FAQ page that said not taking it at "exactly" the same time as the night before shouldn't screw up the IUI procedure. Phew...dodged a bullet there. Of course, if IUI#4 doesn't work then I will totally know that my taking the shot an hour late is the cause for another failure.

I'm also worried because I start my Ganirelix shot tomorrow night. In preparation, I was looking at my supply and while I have enough I realized that one of the boxes has an "expiration" date of April 2008, but the prescription label has a "discard" date of 5/10/2007. If I take the shot tomorrow night then it will be 2 days past the discard date. I don't want to take a shot that might be too old, but on the other hand I don't want to waste any infertility drugs if I don't have to. I tried searching for the difference between "expiration" and "discard" date, but couldn't find anything. I know I will call the 1-800 number for the pharmacy tomorrow and ask them, but in the meantime does anyone out there know what the difference is between the two dates? If I take the Ganirelix 2 days past the "discard" date, but before the expiration date, should it be okay? Which date is more important?

Here is a quick update on my status.

Took Follistim AQ shot (225 units) Tues, Wed, Thurs
Had blood work and ultrasound#2 today (Friday)
Took Follistim AQ shot (225 units) Friday night (but one hour late)
Sat&Sun-will take Follistim (225 units) plus a pre-filled shot of Ganirelix both nights.
Sometime by Sunday have sex with XY. (RE office nurse said abstinence before procedure of a minimum of 2-3 days.)
Monday night-Give self HCG trigger shot
Tuesday-nothing
Wednesday-Drive almost 2 hours to RE's office so XY & I are there by 7:20am (yikes) for IUI#4. (Take entire day off work, rather than make previous mistake of going back to work after procedure.)

In the meantime any positive thoughts/prayers would be appreciated. I have an acupuncture appointment on Tuesday to hopefully help me relax before the procedure on Wednesday morning. I am currently trying to think positive thoughts, send up imploring wishes to any gods/goddesses listening. Offering up bushels of pomegranates to Persephone for any fertility mojo she can send my way.

Pass Me the Drugs...Fertility That Is

2007-05-09T00:02:00.000-06:00

My Stats

CD-3
Weight-251
BMI-44

Days w/o Bread-7

Cysts-Big Fat Whopping Zero-Yahoo!
Fertility Drugs-Follistim 225 units tonight, W, & TH
Other/more Fertility Drug Helpers-prenatal vitamin, vitamin C, Metformin (2x a day), and a "small" shot of insulin right at bedtime.

I am so psyched. Progress is finally being made on all fronts. I went to the OB/GYN office this morning for my baseline ultrasound (u/s) and the tech informed me that she didn't see any cysts! First time in 6 months. (Well I'm not sure about December or February since I just couldn't face doing an IUI procedure either of those months.) I guess the low estrogen BCP my RE had me on this last month did the job. I spent the whole month feeling weird about taking those pills. (I think it's strange taking BCP when you are actually trying to "get" pregnant, not "prevent" pregnancy. My family history also now includes immediate family members who have had blood clots, so that is another freak out factor regarding the pill.) I know all these other fertility drugs (and the weight) can increase my chances for clots, but I really try not to think about that. Either way it looks like the BCP worked, so it was worth the worry. I just had to wait for my RE's office to call regarding the faxed results for a definite confirmation and I got it. No cyst, start the fertility drugs tonight.

I'm starting out with Follistim 225 units for the first three nights. This is typical from the last 3 IUI's I went through. It's reassuring to have the routine down, but the fact that the last three attempts failed does make me wonder if this combination of drugs is really working for me. The job is to induce my ovaries to produce healthy follicles, but at IUI#3 the nurse admitted that they do the procedure after the trigger shot assuming at least one mature egg will roll down the shoot, but they can't actually guarantee that it will happen. No real way to prove that I've actually ovulated. It's just a hope that I did and that XY's catheter inserted sperm will be strong enough and healthy enough to find that minuscule egg and fertilize it.

Either way, I am so excited to finally have cyst free ovaries so that we can try another round of IUI. I took my first shot (LOVE the ease of the Follistim pen) at 9pm tonight and aside from a little cramping (which never happened before with the Follistim) so far so good.

Other positive news: I haven't had any bread in a week and I've already lost 5 pounds. Now I know it's early in the race, but considering I haven't done any extra exercising I think it's a good sign that I'm down 5 whole pounds which brings my BMI down about a whole point! I know in the future I can't expect such quick results every week, but 5 lbs + 0 cysts = a good sign.

Little White Pills

2007-05-05T22:58:00.000-06:00

CD-1/2 (almost Day 1)
Weight-253.4 lbs
BMI-44.2

Days w/o Bread-4

Sometimes I think that the idea of ever having a baby is just a huge fantasy. It's like something right out of "Alice in Wonderland." It's falling down a rabbit hole, having to decide which side of the cookie you want to bite. It's relying on hopes, dreams, potions, and pills.

I finished the white pills out of my birth control pack. It feels so wrong taking birth control pills when I'm trying to get pregnant. I know that the RE has her reasons. I had three cycles with cysts and the "just rest and see if they go away on their own" directive obviously wasn't working. Hopefully taking the BC pills will even out my hormones enough to create a "normal" cycle. All I know is that I'm onto the placebo/iron pills of the pack and my period is starting. Not enough to call today (Saturday) day one, but I think I can definitely call tomorrow CD1.

If all goes well, this time I'll get the green light to shoot up a lot of infertility drugs (or should that just be fertility drugs) and XY and I can attempt IUI#4. Of course it couldn't be the worst possible time to try this with my work schedule this month, but the worst of my commitments don't begin till the 23rd. So if tomorrow is CD1 and we usually try an IUI between CD12-14, then at the worst CD14 would be the 20Th and I can just squeeze in the IUI before my stressful work deadlines arrive. (And we know how good stress is during all these proceedings!)

On a positive note, I've gone four whole days without any types of bread. I was really tempted to eat a burrito yesterday, but I stopped myself. XY came back from his work trip and the homecoming didn't go as well as I would have liked, but by the end of the day things had settled down so we went out to get a quick bite to eat. Dinner came with bread, but I passed it up. (It didn't even look very tempting.) I haven't told XY about my self-imposed ban on bread for the month, but he didn't seem to notice anyway. I also noticed that I dropped almost 3 pounds in the last 4 days so that's at least a "tiny" bit reassuring that this crazy idea might not be so crazy after all.

Triathlon Log-Day 1

2007-05-02T15:50:00.000-06:00

My Stats

Cycle Day (CD)-?? Finishing RE ordered birth control pack, waiting for CD1 to start!
Height-5 ft 3 in
Weight-256 lb
BMI-44.3

Days w/o Bread-1

I've been really nervous about putting my statistics out on the web for all to see. I finally decided, "What's a better motivator than seeing the actual numbers?" Numbers are facts and the science geek in me keeps whispering, "You can't hide from the facts." Since this is my infertility triathlon, it made sense to keep a log and that's what this blog basically is; a log of my attempts to lose weight, exercise more, and overcome the infertility hurdle. Will I put up the stats every day? Doubtful. I don't think I can stand looking at my "weight" every day, but if people know my height and BMI, I think they can do the reverse mathematics involved to determine my current weight.

By the way, it's 5:03pm, I am officially blowing off yoga tonight. Don't get me wrong, I love yoga, but it starts in 17 minutes, so unless I leave right now, it's just not going to happen. I've had yesterday and today off from work so I could take a break, relax, work on cleaning out my home office. Status report: I've been reading parts of "The Sisters Grimm: The Fairytale Detectives" and "Carpe Demon: Adventures of a Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom" and I've got to say it's a bit more relaxing then sorting piles of paper junk. Meanwhile I've watched a little TV [House] and shoveled most of the paper junk off the office floor onto my bed. (Where else should I put it? It's got to go out of the room to be sorted or the room will never get cleaned.) AND, I go back to work tomorrow, so either I go to yoga and feel guilty that when I get home the piles on the bed will still be there and the checkbook will still not be balanced (or bills paid) or I blow off yoga and as soon as I'm done posting this, I go back to work on the office and the paper stacks.

The newly motivated fitness side of me says "go to yoga", but the old, I don't feel like exercising and there are too many distractions, chores, TV programs to watch instead side of me wins out.

On another note, today is Day 1 of "NO BREAD" and so far it's been good. I did eat some chips (swap one addiction for another), but I didn't eat the whole bag so I'm not beating myself up over that. I even tried to order the "cheese and fruit" plate when I hit the local Starbucks for a decaf coffee drink, but I was smacked down. No fruit and cheese platters left. Is that because they only make them for breakfast and it was 3pm or is it because I live in the middle of the heartland and meat is more prevalent than fruit trees? Needless to say, if I had paid the almost $6 for the cheese and fruit plate I would have felt better (than the toffee brownie I got instead-it didn't even taste very good), but XY would have made some snarky comment about the price if he were around. (The main reason I stopped ordering the "fruit plate" from McDonald's when he is with me.) But although I wanted toast for breakfast I resisted. I know it's only day 1, but it's a start.

In other depressing news, I just found out that my best friend's sister is having another baby (happy for her, sad for me). I also dropped off a baby gift for a co-worker today and I found out one of my best assistants is probably leaving her position with me to work in another office for one of my co-workers. [Not because of me, but because she hates our supervisor at this office branch.] It just reaffirms all the thoughts I've had lately about how my job hasn't fulfilled me in years and probably contributes to my unhappiness at times which of course goes hand in hand with the overeating. I really do need to dust off the information I have on the PhD program I want to enter and figure out how to change my life for the better. Is it crazy to want to still bring a child into all this? Is the fact that I'm trying to have a child a positive step or are the repeated IUI failures just a reinforcement of how disappointing my life can be? Still trying though...

28 Days

2007-05-01T13:18:00.000-06:00

With the XY factor out of town for the week on business, I am trying to make the most of some "alone" time. I love watching movies, but because of "the job" I really haven't had much time for renting/going to the movies lately. I've supplemented over the last few months by getting as gifts/purchasing Season 3-5 of "Angel", Season 1&2 of "Once & Again", and seasons 2-4 of "Alias", and Season 2 of "Numb3rs". Along with a bunch of Agatha Christie "Hercule Poirot" movies and Season 1 of "Hetty Wainthropp Investigates". So, technically I haven't had to go through "entertainment on the celluloid screen" withdrawal.

I am however taking advantage of XY's absence and so I rented 6 movies to watch over the next week while I am working on house projects. The first one I watched was "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock & Viggo Mortensen. It's basically about this mixed-up writer who is addicted to drugs and alcohol and ends up having to do a stint in rehab after she drunkenly leaves her sister's wedding and drives the limo into someones house. Definitely a chick movie, but not as "feel good" as you would think. No girl cleans up act and ends up in the arms of the perfect man ending. Anyway, it got me thinking about addiction and recovery including the different types of addiction.

Can an infertile become too "addicted" to trying to conceive? Not necessarily addicted to the fertility drugs themselves, but addicted to the process and the rush of hope that goes with it. (As someone who has given themselves multiple injections daily and still not gotten pregnant I just can't see anyone getting addicted to Follistem, Ganirellex, or any other fertility drug.) I think that "hope" and "desire" can be very addicting. Anyone who's felt the effects of adrenalin and serotonin might agree.

I wouldn't say I'm "addicted" to infertility treatments (disappointed-YES, still trying-YES, loving it-NO) but getting back to that "weighty" issue I know that I am definitely some type of food addict. Not anorexic or bulimic, but definitely a compulsive/comfort eater. Stress me out and I go for the food. Feeling sad, feeling blue where's that sundae, chocolate bar, box of french fries, bag of potato chips? The entire binge eating issue is not for today's post. We'll leave it for another time, but after watching "28 Days" I am inspired to try something.

One of my worst food offenders is bread. It's not even my go to food, but it lurks in the background, waiting for me to notice it. One piece is never enough and unless it's for a sandwich it is usually accompanied by it's evil sidekick-"Butter Boy". (Clogger of arteries and willing servant of my arch nemesis-Mr. Obesity!) So, as part of my "race to regain my fertility" I am hereby declaring a BAN on all bread products for the next 28 days. It's my simple carb in the form of bread rehab stint. Starting tomorrow (May 2ND) I will not eat any bread (toast, sandwich bread, rolls, croissants [mmmm croissants], crackers, croutons, pita pockets, tortillas, or bagels [mmm bagels]) for 28 days. My only thoughts are while I don't think that pancakes or waffles (which I hardly eat anyway) would be considered "a type of bread", I unfortunately fear that I am going to have to classify "muffins" as bread. Especially since you can slice them open and slather them with "Butter Boy". (We've all heard of English Muffins haven't we and those are definitely bread in my book.) So wish me luck! I'll keep you all updated with my progress (like an inmate marking off time served on the jail cell wall). Now I just have to think up some kind of mantra for those tempting times. How's this..."NO Bread on the Lips, Less Weight on the Thighs or Hips....Go Fertility!"

Press Rewind

2007-04-26T23:07:00.001-06:00

It feels as if lately it's always one step forward...two steps back. I started putting down my thoughts about exercise and losing weight. There's been so much weight in my life for a long time: emotional and physical. Before I can proceed, I think I should go back and explain the events of the last several years. How I got to this point.

I wouldn't say that I was always "cooing" over babies growing up, but I did know that I wanted to have a family. It was always part of the plan. Another part of the plan was to only have one child, two at the very most. I come from what I consider a large family. I grew up with five sisters. Fighting over the only working bathroom, hand me down clothes, not enough money for college let alone music lessons for everyone made me realize that I didn't want to have a lot of kids. I didn't want my kid(s) to feel the way I did when friends I had got things like piano lessons, new designer clothes (jordache jeans anyone?), summer camp, a junior year abroad. Don't get me wrong, my parents put food on the table, a roof over our heads, birthday and holiday presents, but there was always only so much to go around and choices had to be made as to who got what. I just don't think it's right to have so many children that they end up feeling like their needs fall between the cracks. A parent always wants more for their child than what they had, that doesn't mean that your children grow up to be spoiled. It's a parent's job not only to provide for the basic plus needs of their child but to also help their child to grow up into a caring adult. So, children yes, just not a lot of them.

Oh the irony of the gods and goddesses.

You spend a majority of your teenage and college years worrying about unplanned pregnancies and how to avoid them and then when you hit your thirties you realize that you have fertility problems and all that worrying was for nothing!

The ideal life included the following: college degree, good job/nice career, travel, and then hit the big 3-0 and have a baby. Except...the big 3-0 came and went 7 years ago and still no baby.

Here's the time line:

30-stop using birth control, don't get pregnant, see OB/GYN runs blood work-high blood sugar prescribes Glucophage/Metformin (not ready to admit the whole "high blood sugar" thing-stop taking meds, stop seeing OB/GYN

31-depressed about not getting pregnant when "planned"-spend the whole year sulking and still not pregnant

32-start trying again to get pregnant with a more positive attitude, still not pregnant

33-still not pregnant, talk to GP about wanting to get pregnant, GP "mumbles" the words "high blood sugar", "effects ovulation". Prescribes 500mg Metformin to try to regulate blood sugar and jump start ovulation

35-still not pregnant, still taking Metformin. Go to GP's office in January 2005, tell doctor getting discouraged, still not pregnant even after 2+ years of blood sugar regulating drug. [Note: This is just after terrible tsunami hits Thailand and other islands in the Pacific/Indian Ocean area.] Doctor mentions horrible tsunami and tons of orphaned children and recommends I try adoption instead. Black and bitter thoughts as I leave doctor's office regarding "wishes" of patient being ignored. Several months later (late summer of 2005) finally make appointment with OB/GYN (same office as previous one, but different doctor). Explain desire for child, inability to conceive so far. New doctor nice, even if during general exam she makes comment about that fact that I am 35 and therefore already reproductively challenged. (Basically old with old eggs, unlike nubile underage teenagers getting knocked up by stupid careless equally under aged boyfriends.) Doctor orders blood work, ultrasound, and HSG (Hystosalpingogram). Small fibroid in uterine lining. Doctor increases Metformin to 1000mg 2xday. Doesn't seem that concerned about fibroid being a problem.

Still 35-[Sept, Oct, Nov 2005] 3 months of trying Chlomid, still no pregnancies and ultrasounds show follicles that are not really getting big. Largest one during three months is 10mm. OB/GYN refers me to Reproductive Endocrinologist who is connected to her office, but actually has own office in city 1 1/2 hours from my city.

Almost 36-[Dec 2005] Consult with RE at my OB/GYN's office regarding "the plan", next steps to take. RE is concerned with small fibroid in uterine wall. Schedules follow up appointment at her own offices for next month.

36-[Jan 2006] Drive 1 1/2 hours away to RE's office for more ultrasound, initial appointment, formal introduction to the infertility world and what happens next.
[Feb 2006] Have same day lapryscopic surgery at clinic RE works with to remove fibroid. Drive 1 1/2 hours back home a couple hours after surgery. (Well partner drives me home.)
[Mar 2006] RE checks me out. Fibroid removal seems to be a success, but cyst on ovary (yes, have been diagnosed with PCOS-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) so we'll wait till next month to try Artificial Insemination.
[Apr 2006] Get all clear from RE, nurses explain whole infertility drug procedure including numerous trips to get ultrasounds while monitoring follicles for IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). Big box of drugs show up on doorstep including Follistim, Ganirelix, and HCG (trigger shot). Drugs are taken with some trepidation. IUI is performed by another RE at my clinic/RE's practice. Sperm count is 125,000,000. 2WW later and big fat NEGATIVE on pregnancy test. Call RE's office and give results. Told to call back again on cycle day 1.
[May 2006] Call Cycle Day 1, schedule ultrasound. Cyst, told to rest this month. No infertility drugs, try again next month.
[June/July 2006] These months are a wash-both times that cycle starts I am out of town and not able to make ultrasound appointments or follow-ups for correct timing for IUI.
[Aug/Sept 2006] Cyst, no IUI attempts-just rest-give cysts chance to go away on own.
[Oct 2006]-No cysts. More fertility drugs. IUI#2-2WW-big fat NEGATIVE!
[Nov 2006]-No cysts. More fertility drugs, but different mail order pharmacy because of crap insurance decision to switch preferred providers. Angst over having to be at home for Fed Ex delivery of drugs which MUST (I am told) be signed for in person, not just left on doorstep. Drugs received. (Still Follistim, Ganirelix, and HCG trigger shot.)IUI#3 performed (This time by office nurse rather than male RE like last 2 times.)Sperm count 250,000,000+.-2WW-another BIG FAT NEGATIVE!
[Dec 2006]-Decide to skip IUI attempt this month as both husband and I are disappointed that back to back IUIs were both failures, plus holiday stress makes this time of year all the more fun to be trying for a family. Can you see the irony of conceiving in the late days of December?

37-[Jan 2007]Cycle Day 1-call RE, get ultrasound appointment (at hospital versus local OB/GYN office as U/S tech is out sick that day and appointments are all cancelled.) Hospital ultrasound tech lets me know that I have two cysts. One on left is 24mm, one on right is 40mm. Tech is shocked at size of right cyst and nervously asks if I am in a lot of pain. RE nurse calls later that day. This month is a "no go"-just rest, no drugs for month. Next day (luckily a Saturday) I am bedridden all day because of immense menstrual pain-I'm sure it is right cyst rupturing.
[Feb 2007] Call RE office on cycle day 1 and let nurse know that I am skipping IUI attempts this month. (Basically I was told that if nothing happened with IUI try #4, we would have to "schedule a consultation". I am freaking out that doctor will either tell me I am barren with no hope of conceiving or that I must go right to IVF which is expensive and not covered by our insurance.)
[Mar 2007] Muster up courage to call RE's office on cycle day one and schedule initial ultrasound. Right side cyst gone, but left side cyst still there. No infertility drugs or IUI procedures for this month. Just rest and give cyst chance to go away on own.
[Apr 2007] Cycle Day 1-out of town on mini-holiday visiting old girlfriend. Call RE office on CD2 and also call local OB/GYN office to schedule an initial ultrasound for CD3. Ultrasound revels no cyst on left side, but 31mm cyst on right side. RE office calls and says "no infertility drugs or IUI attempt this month"...BUT being put on low dose of birth control for this month (starting that night) to try to get rid of cysts so that we can do IUI#4 in May. (Did I happen to mention that May is absolutely the worst possible month out of my work year to try this? May is the most stressful month for my job. Unfortunately I am worried that June will be a bust and possibly July as well because our "big vacation" is scheduled for the last week of June/first week of July and that will either be right at the end of a cycle/time to do an IUI or right at the beginning of one and how will that be monitored/handled if we are out of town?)

That's it in a nutshell. And yes, I am a huge worrywart, so I'm sure all that stress and worrying just does wonders for my cycles and IUI tries. Everyone all on the same page now?

Here's The Plan

2007-04-23T20:27:00.000-06:00

The challenge: lose a whole bunch of weight
The goal: lose a whole bunch of weight AND GET PREGNANT!
The health issues: Hypothyroidism, Insulin Resistance/Type 2 Diabetes, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, INFERTILITY!
The road blocks: too much food, not enough exercise

The Plan:

1. Increase my exercise level.
2. Overhaul the way I eat.
3. Get pregnant, have a baby, enjoy life.

The plan seems simple. The plan is hard. No matter how many times I've tried to lose weight, to deal with my emotions, to not eat when I'm upset, angry, emotional-I just never seem to follow through.

Is there hope?

Here's the good news (and the bad):

Exercise: yoga ( 1 1/2 years: 2 x a week), water aerobics (1-2 x a week for the past month)-a treadmill that I bought a year ago, that has been gathering dust for almost a year (but at least I bought it)

Nutrition: Horrid but at least I'm willing to admit that. I do like nutritious food, but I get so stressed out and busy with work that over the last several years I've gone from being a pretty good cook to being an even better junk food junkie. With the Type 2 Diabetes, I have learned the difference between things like "a glass of orange juice" verses "an orange". Unfortunately I have many times when I know that something is not good for my blood sugar but I eat it anyway. I also tend to be a closet eater.

Getting Pregnant: We haven't used birth control in almost 8 years. Still not pregnant. Too much weight-two much estrogen. Not ovulating properly. At least I finally stopped listening to the GP who wasn't doing any follow up, went to the OB/GYN and finally got referred to an RE. I've been seeing her for almost 2 years now-no luck yet, but at least I haven't been told that getting pregnant is an impossibility. Well, not yet anyway.

That's where it's at for now. Isn't that enough?

The Plan-Part 1

2007-04-21T18:56:00.000-06:00

Well, I am slowly feeling better, so now it is time to try to move forward with "The Plan". One of the main reasons for this blog is to jump start my plan to lose weight. The one thing all my doctors agree on; lose weight and it will help you with your infertility/PCOS, thyroid problems, high blood sugar/Type 2 Diabetes. I don't disagree, I just know that it is one thing to be told something and it is another to really filter through that information. It is something totally different to actually take that advice and follow it. What is that phrase? "Easier said than done."

So, where to start? Part of me wants to start at the beginning-get the whole sordid story of my failure off my chest. Just lay out the plan? List my goals. That is so hard when you know how many New Year's resolutions have been started, but never accomplished. If I put it out there, if I put it in my blog, out there on the web for all to see...Is that a positive motivator or will I feel horrible if I am a failure once again? All I hear lately from my boss is that "change is a good thing" and what is change if not being brave enough to take risks, to try something new?

I chose "My Infertility Triathlon" because I need to be motivated to not give up on my chance at fertility, my chance at a family of my own (not just the screwed up one I was born into). As much as I love my partner, it's not enough. A child is something I have always wanted eventually and it doesn't matter if that child is biological or adopted, but at this moment in time I am not ready to give up on my chance to have a biological child. I'm not giving up on my chance to experience pregnancy and all it's joys and heartaches. I'm just not ready to concede the fact that I have let my past fears, problems, and issues ruin my dreams. I have let my past self create a totally different person than I envisioned my future self to be.

It is time for me to take control of my life and make it the way I pictured it. It's time to stop letting other peoples ideas, actions, and issues cloud my judgement and make me doubt myself. I am tired of running to the fridge for comfort every time I'm stressed or someone upsets me with their selfish attitude.

My plan is to try to embrace exercise, to really try to be more health conscience, to listen to my doctors advice with out letting it go in one ear and out the other. To stop finding excuses that keep me from stepping up to the plate and taking charge of my own destiny. If the doctors say "losing weight" will increase my chances of conceiving, then I need to acknowledge that and take charge instead of finding excuses to blame my problems on others and let this chance slowly fade away as every day my ovaries get just a little bit older.

Honestly, there is a plan. It will be revealed, but right now my other half keeps bugging me about hogging the Internet. An online homework assignment needs posting...I really need to get a freaking second phone line or DSL!

Wake Up Call-Part Deux

2007-04-11T22:26:00.000-06:00

I didn't mean to take so long for another post, but life happens. I finally got in to the GP and she thinks I have costal chondritis (an inflammation/tear of the chest wall). Yippee for me-NOT! I had it once before, but it's not fun. It DEFINITELY makes you feel like you are having a heart attack and it takes awhile for it to heal and in the meantime did I mention the pain that just enforces the feelings of angst and worry? I was feeling better on Sunday, but then I did a yoga class on Monday (which felt great), but I think I pulled the muscle again-because the pain is back baby! Not as bad, but annoying, especially the feeling like I can't breathe and the constant yawning to try to catch my breath. Do I sound like a whiner? I feel like a whiner and I hate that feeling!

So, I went on a mini-break to New York and Kingston, Ontario (Canada) this past weekend. It was really nice-relaxing. I love Canada! It was fun to do some shopping and sightseeing in a more culture friendly setting. It was nice to get away from the stress of work. I wish I could learn to separate my personal life from my job and wash out the stress. We stayed near the St. Lawrence River. It was so peaceful being near a large body of water. Beautiful views, fresh air. The yoga class was in a building right on the river with wonderful views of the lake. I really enjoyed taking the class-the peace and beauty of it. Unfortunately I think it stressed my chest inflammation. What do they say, "an ounce of prevention=a pound of cure".

And then it was time to come home to work and stress and anxiety. Rested but not cured. How do I know this...back to the old pattern of overeating. I was doing so well over the weekend, then I came home and right away the boredom and stress started creeping back in and out came the potato chips and fast food quick stops. Ugh...I hate that part of me. I know I should be better, but there is just something within me that goes right for the garbage foods when I'm not feeling well or 100% happy. It's like I have this secret desire buried deep inside me to just ruin my own life!

Where am I going with all this? Well, it's part of the reason I named this blog "my infertility triathlon". My goal is to conquer this blasted infertility and the simplest way I have been told by all my doctors to accomplish this is to "lose some weight." Easier said than done, but I'm not getting any younger so what other choice do I have? It's something I've wanted for a long time anyway, but I keep letting my deep dark self-destructive feelings get in the way of any progress. Well, it's time to face my personal demons; vanquish the all-devouring food beast and get into the exercise loving groove. How hard can it really be? (Ha ha-I've heard that one many times before.) Next up...part one of the plan.

Wake Up Call???

2007-04-04T19:45:00.000-06:00

Sorry it took so long to post again. I have not been feeling good all week. Ever since that event on Friday and subsequent trip to the hospital on Saturday, I just haven't been myself. I've had aches and pains in my arm, back, and chest. My throat has felt tight. I've had some episodes of lightheadedness. I did make an appointment with my regular GP for tomorrow. I'm leaving for a weekend trip to NY on Friday and I want a little peace of mind before I go. I know, why wait so long, but that was the earliest I could get in with my work schedule and my GP's work schedule.

Maybe I pulled a muscle doing yoga last week? (I've had bones clicking and that could cause nerve stuff right?) I hate that I sound so paranoid. My significant other carefully broached the subject of "depression" as a possible cause. [My family has a history of depression.] I'm not ruling it out as a cause-wouldn't you be depressed if you wanted a baby and were going through infertility treatments that still are not working!? (I have no idea if there are any anti-depressants that I could take while doing infertility treatments. I don't want to mess this up or have my RE think I'm not a good candidate to work with anymore.) One minute I feel better, the next worse and each day this week it's been different/mixed symptoms. I'm just hoping it isn't anything so serious that I have to cancel my girls' weekend with one of my oldest and closest friends! That would total bum me out!

I have been looking forward to this trip/break for awhile. I need to get away from the stress of my job. I'm coming up on a critical time in the office and having a mini-break before should help center me for the big projects coming up over the next several weeks. The only thing I am a bit nervous about is my cycle. I should be coming up on a new cycle and if it doesn't start until the weekend, then I don't know how this month will play out. I really won't have time (and will be a bundle of nerves) in May because of all these work project deadlines. So April is my big hope for another round of fertility drugs. My only hope is that because it is Easter weekend my RE will be busy with the holidays so if I can't get in till Tuesday (even if it isn't Cycle Day 1) things will still be okay. I could go on in-depth about work insurance for IUI/IVF versus no work but more time for GP appointments, but "Medium" is coming on and it is one of my favorite show. Plus I have to work on packing for my trip, instead of waiting till the last minute like I usually do. Next post hopefully a bit more explanation on why I chose "My Infertility Triathlon" for my blog name. Oops..."Medium" is starting!

PANIC ATTACK!!!!

2007-03-31T18:56:00.000-06:00

Well, yesterday went downhill fast. If there's one thing an infertile doesn't need when trying to conceive it's stress or worse a panic attack. The day was going okay, not great, but okay. I am the first to admit I am not a morning person. So, I got to work and was easing into the day. I finally was getting into a routine and suddenly half the day was gone. I decided to grab lunch with a co-worker and that was my big mistake. I am definitely a "hate to lose control of the situation" person. Little did I know that not only would I not be driving to the fast food joint, but we were being joined by other co-workers (I barely know) who would be doing the driving. What I thought would be a quick 1/2 hour lunch turned into a 1+ hour lunch with me going into full panic/anxiety attack mode because my carefully scheduled work plans for the afternoon were rapidly disintegrating. I was trapped. I couldn't leave. I kept surreptitiously looking at my watch and was trying to control the rising panic that I would be late for a scheduled meeting. My mind was racing with freaked out thoughts and all I could do was smile politely and try to act like I wasn't about to scream with frustration! When we got back, I ended up going to the bathroom to sit in a stall to close my eyes, repeat the mantra "Om, shanti, shanti, shanti" (Om, peace, peace, peace) and try to do some rhythmic breathing to calm down and stop the massive panic anxiety attack I was having. It helped some and I worked through the 1 1/2 hour meeting and the rest of the afternoon. I went home and watched a movie (Babel) that I needed to return soon, but it didn't help. By the time bedtime arrived the panic/anxiety attack was in full mode with chest pains, tingling, heartburn, etc. It was a bad night and in the morning (even after getting a little sleep) I still felt horrible with chest pains so I caved in and had my guy call the doctor's office (on a Saturday no less) and next thing I know they are telling me to go straight to the hospital. [Apparently chest pains = do not stop, do not pass go, go directly to ER.] They were nice at the hospital, but after 3 hours, an EKG, some blood work, and a shot of some kind of acid reflux medication, I was informed by the nice Intern that yes, it was an anxiety attack, not a heart attack and would I like a script for either anti-depression medication or an anti-anxiety medication? I chose the later after she assured me it wouldn't be harmful to a pregnancy/fetus and that I only needed to take it when I was having another anxiety attack. On the way home, after grabbing a VERY late breakfast/lunch/dinner rolled into one my guy was too tired to hit the drugstore and the pain was less, so I will be filling the script tomorrow. (Hopefully not to use it but just in case.) Even though we didn't do an IUI this month because I had a cyst (3.1 cm/right side)-we had a boatload of sex to try for a natural PG. After all this stress, I'm thinking the chance of anything sticking if it did actually work is probably nil by now. I'll still check next week with an HPT, but who am I kidding? Stress is an MF when it comes to living my life, let alone getting pregnant.

A Rose By Any Other Name...

2007-03-29T21:37:00.000-06:00

So, one of the first things I had to do when starting this blog was think up a name. That meant trying to figure out the main theme of my story. Oh yeah, infertility-got that! But, I knew that there was more to my story than just plain old vanilla infertility. One of my main infertility issues, something that gets mentioned over and over again, is the fact that I am....weight, I mean wait...here it comes...the fact that I am overweight. It's one of the first things that gets mentioned by any doctor I visit, noticed by mere acquaintances and is usually followed up with the key phrase "the simplest thing to do to help with your health problems/infertility is to try to lose some weight." Duh...like I'm not already aware of that. Well, if I didn't realize how much it impacted my fertility in the beginning, I certainly know now!" So, there you have it. Two of my biggest nemesis: infertility and fatty tissue. I wanted my blog to reflect this somehow. A blog title that would allude to the biggest issues in what has now become my race against time for a child to call my own.

I played around with some titles:

-Weighting to Exhale-Taken. Who knew there were so many blogs out there dealing with compulsive eating?

-I played around with synonyms for "weight" and "pregnancy" like Expectantly Weighting or Weighting Expectantly They just didn't sound right.

-Then I thought my BA in English had finally paid off with a little play on words straight from Dickens = "Great Expectations" (I knew taking that "Victorian Literature" class was a smart move!)-Again taken. Not just by the obvious Dickensian fans, but strangely enough a Google search came up with a type of site that starts with a "p" and rhymes with "corn". I didn't even want to go there--those repressed Victorians. I should have known better.

-So, I began thinking about my goals:lose some weight, embrace aerobic exercise, and conquer my infertility. What makes you think of all those things? Bingo: "The Baby Race". The more I thought of it, the more I realized it's not just a marathon for me. It's more like a triathlon: swimming (sperm), cycling (ovaries), and running (to beat that ticking biological clock). Eureka! I found my blog name! It's not just any old triathlon. It's My Infertility Triathlon. With a little luck, I'll be swimming, cycling, and running my way not only towards weight loss, but more importantly towards my fertility goal; an ovulation cycle that actually gets me pregnant and results in a healthy baby boy or girl.

As good a place to start as any...

2007-03-28T23:58:00.000-06:00

Well, this is it. My first post on my first blog! I've wanted to start a blog for awhile. There are so many cool ones out on the web already, getting up the courage to enter the online community and post my thoughts took a bit, but I'm finally here. Frankly, I need the support. I thought long and hard about what the topic of my blog should be and found that I've already been getting a lot of silent nods of understanding just reading the many great bloggers out there going through the same thing I am...infertility. It's a hard road to walk. It's not something you think about until it happens to you. Infertility is frustrating, scary, and for someone who likes things to work "as planned", it's like a flash flood that wipes out the very foundation of your being. One minute you're living your life, not worrying about the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes passing you by and the next you're having the word "infertile" stamped on your passport and now every second counts like a ticking time bomb...Will you be able to diffuse the bomb and have a baby? Or will the bomb tick tock it's way to a point when your ovaries explode and any chance you had at achieving a pregnancy, having a "biological" child is wiped out forever? So, what's a gal gotta do to stay sane in such stressful times? Start a blog so that she doesn't annoy her husband, friends, or family with her constant infertility angst. Maybe no one but I will ever read this, but at least it will give me a place to ponder, to vent, to get things off my chest. If I'm lucky, it's a means to an end. At best, maybe someone else out there who is going through the same issues I am will read these posts and realize that there are other people out there who feel their pain and understand what they are going through when it comes to trying to conceive.