Trying to Move Forward

Tweeting and Pinning are the new blogging, but sometimes a dog doesn't want a shiny new squeak toy, sometimes a dog just wants a comfy old bone and in this case that's my blog. I try to embrace twitter and pinterest, but I feel guilty letting the blog languish so long. It's like saying I'm giving up on ever having kids, even if I know it probably won't happen, I just don't want to give up that final kernal of hope. So, I've decided rather than start a new blog (I like actual writing, not necessarily just spouting off one or two word sound bites) I will continue on with this one as a place to work on my goals (still many the same before the whole race for baby and IVF), still discuss my baby/infertility feelings, and continue to write down my thoughts and ideas someplace "semi" anonymous. So, hopefully if I make a point once a week (at first or at least) to write a post, that's one goal that I'll be happy to be working on. I guess part of it too is feeling sad that other infertility bloggers I read seem to have disappeared off the map...stopped journaling their hard and tiring journeys or maybe success was had by all and then they got busy with kids and life and I get that, I truly do just from dealing with my "non-internet" friends with kids, but sometimes I feel sad that I never got closure or no longer get to live vicariously through their triumphs in childrearing, but that's okay--at some point I think everyone tries to reinvent themselves, moves on, or maybe even just fades away....so I guess right now, I'm not ready to move on or fade away, so instead I will try to reinvent myself a bit, but keep the same blog name, just share a bit more than the infertility sadness, and see if along the way I can really come to terms that I missed one of the best opportunities a woman can have (if she wants) but that I should try to keep on trying and while it does partially define me, I shouldn't let it break me.

FSHing around

Yesterday, I found myself doing two things I wouldn't normally do...one was grocery shopping at Walmart. It's not generally my favorite place to shop but it was convenient and I kept telling myself cheaper than the local grocery store so just bite the bullet and get the shopping done. So, while I was there I ended up in the tucked away feminine hygiene aisle along with the jellies, birth control products, the absolutely overwhelming variety of napkins and liners and tucked in among the pregnancy tests was a lone box screaming "Fertility test NOT Ovulation test". It was a single test (take it on day 3 of cycle) along with the ever optimistic pregnancy test (works up to 6 days after you miss your cycle). And all I could think was if you take the fertility test and it comes up with a bad result--why would you want the reminder of the pregnancy test with it's empty promises of positiveness (one assumes if it comes WITH the fertility test than people are praying it says "yes" you are pregnant vs. the 15 year old teenager with the regular box of 2 pregnancy tests praying they both come out saying "no" not pregnant-next time use better birth control.) So, what did I do--at the ripe old age of 42 with 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs resulting in miscarriages and a suspicion that over the years I've had plenty of unofficial miscarriages, a husband who rarely has relations with me anymore, no money for continued IVF attempts and a doctor who probably wouldn't try for it anyway? Yup, I reached for that box and paid the almost $30 so that if I can actually figure out when my period will start (since it's not really regular) I can try to self diagnose my FSH with an over the counter fertility test rather than believe the REs who tell me I have PCOS and eggs that don't want to mature. It's as simple as that, I'm stupid and want to believe in miracles, because I can't really figure out how to accept that I don't have kids yet, I can't convince my husband to adopt, and barring a miracle I will probably die a bitter old maid who regrets never having children of my own (biologically or adoptively). And yet, that's why advertising companies make millions on the hopes and dreams of women like me.

New Addition

No, I'm not pregnant (darn) and we are not fostering (darn) and I haven't adopted (darn)but....my 21 year old nephew is now living with us! 15 years of marriage and no kids and suddenly I am living with a 51 year old husband (yes, my husband is 10 years older than me and set in his ways thus part of the frustration with not adopting or fostering--can't convince him it would be awesome for us, not that he wouldn't, but he's not that motivated when it comes to anything too difficult, like I said set in his ways) and now I have a 21 year old man/boy living here too. Trying to find a balance--I'm just the aunt, not the mom (my sister/his mom passed away 8 years ago) but he needs guidance and support so that's my story. It's new, it's different, it's only been a week! I know I like having a "kid" (or at least another person) in the house, but we'll see how it goes and hopefully I can give the boy some much needed love and guidance as we try to get him into community college and working towards some kind of degree/career so he has some direction in life. I'll keep you posted with updates!
P.S. For you crafters/knitters out there I added a new button for "Craftlit" a cool podcast/website that talks about crafting/knitting and she reads from classic works of literature...up this month for Halloween..."Dracula"...it's fun to listen to..try it!

Good for Jennifer Garner

Let's see-

-I'm happy that Jennifer Garner is having another baby (she's one of my favorite earth mama type moms).

-I'm sad I still don't have any children of my own.

-I'm frustrated that my husband knows I want children, but doesn't really talk about fostering or adoption at all (rare occassion, for about 5 minutes, then it's like it never came up)

-I'm tired of everyone around me having babies or toddlers or tween/teenagers.

-I hate having health issues (Diabetes Type 2, PCOS/Infertility, now blood pressure/heart issues)...I know I know...then why want kids with all the health issues, but I do, I still want kids.

That's it--it's been an anxious, stressful weekend and I need to concentrate on losing weight and losing some of this anxiety/stress.

Enough for now, I really don't know what to say when you have an infertility blog, but can't afford IVF and have a husband who doesn't really want to adopt/foster--at least he's not jumping up to do it....what else can I say on a blog about infertility when I feel like I'm just stagnating. Any suggestions out there?

Limbo

I'm still here, but I'm not sure what to say. It's been almost a year since the 2nd IVF attempt and the 2nd miscarriage. I've been pretty lost and somedays I think just move on and your getting better, then someone asks me if I'm going to keep trying or try IVF again or are we going to foster or are we going to adopt and everytime I respond, I feel like a failure...I don't know, it costs money we don't have, my insurance doesn't cover, the doctors moved on to the next patient with money or better insurance coverage, life is busy, my job is stressful, I am not sure if I want to stay with my husband, what if my ambivalence at my marriage made me lose the babies, what if I screwed up, what if I exercised too much, what if I am too fat and if I just lost more weight I would get pregnant, what if, what if, what if....all I know is that I'm not happy about some things and yet I like other things I have in my life that I didn't before all this....and through it all I know that people are selfish (myself included probably) and I at least understand why whatever higher power is in this universe made the female of the species the baby carrier, the nurturer, the mother, but what a cruel twist if you are the female species and want to get pregnant and can't....then what is the point? And if there is another point, how do you figure out what it is?
.....in the meantime I still read the blogs, though most of the people I read have gone through the struggle and come out triumphant, I need to find some new blogs of people who are still struggling or people who accepted defeat gracefully and can guide me to feeling okay about life without children, so if anyone out there is reading this and knows some good blogs for me to follow of fellow first time strugglers or people who have gracefully moved on with life sans kids, please let me know....I need some support I guess and in the meantime I do have things to say, I just don't know how to say them without judgement....but I am still here, just here is "limbo".

Absolutely Honored

I am a devoted follower of Thalia even if I don't make a lot of comment posts. I find her brilliant and warm and absolutely honest about her infertility trials and tribulations and successes. She gives me hope, even if I've pretty much lost it now. It's like Meg Ryan says in You've Got Mail..."there is the dream of someone". I am now at that stage...all roads have failed, I would adopt in a heartbeat if my husband would even suggest he wanted to, instead of walking out of the room the minute I bring it up, I dream of a child someday with desperate longing and despair. Much has happened in the last year...many disappointments, IVF appointments, miscarriages, and I just haven't been able to write about it. But the other day I was at Thalia's website and saw a badge of honor...I finally made her list of blogs to check out. So I guess that it's time I get back on the horse and tell my story of the past year. Work is hectic this coming week, end of the year wrap up and reports, but after this week, I will come back and I will start to tell the tale..the good, the bad, and even among the shattered hopes and dreams, I still yearn for a child in my future even if deep inside I know that I will never be a winner.

Men, Marriage Counseling and Maybe some Hope

It has been a wild not so fun ride these past 6 months...I have totally lost focus on who I am and who I want to be. I finally realized I was depressed about my marriage and the baby not happening thing and well....I let myself be sidetracked by men who showed an interest when my husband did not. I'm going to be honest here and say "NO....I did not sleep with any one else" but I was flattered by the attention of other men who made me realize that I am not dead and that I do want a baby but a baby should not define me but I think it actually does or the lack of one does. Does that sound harsh? I am not trying to say a baby will make everything hunky dorrie but I am saying that it is actually quite important for me to have a child and continue to make a go at trying to have my own child. I want a child, I want my husband to want to have a child with me to be more engaged in our marriage and OUR family unit and his seeming apathy because he doesn't like to "plan" has worn thin these past several months and I have let myself be sidetracked, not a good thing but there I've said it and I've been using these past six months to really work on myself for me, not for him....is it working, not 100% but I think some progress has been made and I certainly have gained a friend and well more up soon on the trip to the new Reporductive Endocrinologist/Infertility Specialist but I just wanted to at least post some kind of blog because it has been so long....I definitely need some support...