Trying to Move Forward

Tweeting and Pinning are the new blogging, but sometimes a dog doesn't want a shiny new squeak toy, sometimes a dog just wants a comfy old bone and in this case that's my blog. I try to embrace twitter and pinterest, but I feel guilty letting the blog languish so long. It's like saying I'm giving up on ever having kids, even if I know it probably won't happen, I just don't want to give up that final kernal of hope. So, I've decided rather than start a new blog (I like actual writing, not necessarily just spouting off one or two word sound bites) I will continue on with this one as a place to work on my goals (still many the same before the whole race for baby and IVF), still discuss my baby/infertility feelings, and continue to write down my thoughts and ideas someplace "semi" anonymous. So, hopefully if I make a point once a week (at first or at least) to write a post, that's one goal that I'll be happy to be working on. I guess part of it too is feeling sad that other infertility bloggers I read seem to have disappeared off the map...stopped journaling their hard and tiring journeys or maybe success was had by all and then they got busy with kids and life and I get that, I truly do just from dealing with my "non-internet" friends with kids, but sometimes I feel sad that I never got closure or no longer get to live vicariously through their triumphs in childrearing, but that's okay--at some point I think everyone tries to reinvent themselves, moves on, or maybe even just fades away....so I guess right now, I'm not ready to move on or fade away, so instead I will try to reinvent myself a bit, but keep the same blog name, just share a bit more than the infertility sadness, and see if along the way I can really come to terms that I missed one of the best opportunities a woman can have (if she wants) but that I should try to keep on trying and while it does partially define me, I shouldn't let it break me.

Sydney Bristow is Still My Hero!

Jennifer Garner is pregnant again! She is one of my favorite actresses, fit, no nonsense, great with her daughter, and honest about her pregnancy issues (exercise, breastfeeding, etc.). I think she is an awesome role model, even if she doesn't suffer from any infertility issues. I have always liked her work and loved her as Sydney Bristow in "Alias". She is an inspiration to have a healthy pregnancy.

So, while I am still not pregnant some things have been occurring. I lost 20 pounds in the last month. I've been cutting back on my portions and being more conscience of my eating habits. I joined a gym with a pool and have started swimming laps again. I've started actually using my treadmill again (while watching episodes of "Alias"). Things have been very positive lately and I can't really say the reason out loud, but recent events have just made me happier; have made me want to take better care of myself and try to focus back on trying to have a baby! It's time to stop feeling so depressed and discouraged and really do something about it.

On that note, after talking to a few friends, I decided to get a second opinion. Another RE was highly recommended by two people I know who had positive results from her (twins both times) and so I made a point to schedule a consultation with her. Of course she is booked solid till March, but I have heard she gets better results than my last doctor and it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion. Plus if the only solution really is IVF, that gives me 6 months to come up with the money for it. I'm not happy that by the time I see this woman I will be 39, but that also means that time is hitting a critical running out stage and maybe this is a sign that I need to be more proactive with all this and not get bogged down on all the disappointments.

In the meantime, one of my best friends is almost due to have her 5th child and while I am slightly jealous, I can't wait to be an auntie again! Well, things are looking a little brighter in my thoughts at least, so hopefully I can keep these positive thoughts going and concentrate on getting ready for this consultation in March.

Survey Says...

I rushed home from work tonight to watch "Ugly Betty" and "Grey's Anatomy" and sitting among the new mail on the table was a letter from my RE's office. Nervously, I opened it. Would it be a letter asking me when we would pay for and get IVF#1 scheduled? Instead it was a custom service survey asking me to rate my RE's office, the doctors, the staff, the experience I've had so far.

Four failed IUI attempts all using the same drug regimen, no other options offered, go directly to IVF with ICSI. Is my satisfaction guaranteed?

I put the survey down, backed away from the table, turned to "Grey's Anatomy" for some comfort viewing and decided to give myself 24 hours before I fill out the survey and drop it in the mail.

Baby, I'm Back!

Stats

CD-6
Weight-259.4 lb
BMI-43.7

I'm really sorry for the long absence. It has been a wild, crazy, and heart heavy summer. The vacation to Maine was AWESOME. Eventually I'd like to post some pictures. I'm trying to use up a roll of film so I can get the pictures developed all at once. Really must get a digital camera one of these days.

When we got back to the casa, we were descended upon by my mother and my niece and nephew from Virginia. Mom stayed for a month and the kids were here for two weeks. The two weeks "almost" went quickly and the kids kept my mom busy and the house lively. It really made XY and I realize how much lonelier it can be without a child in the house.

Mom left on Monday night. It was really hard. We kind of got used to having her here, but at the same time we missed having the house to ourselves. I'm glad that XY and I are back to being by ourselves and concentrating on our needs and trying to have a baby. At the same time, I know that my mom going back to living with my one sister isn't the best living arrangement for her permanently, but it will have to do for now. It made the end of the visit kind of tense, but we all survived it.

The hard thing was that last week (while mom was still here) the RE's office called about their IVF cycle rotation and whether they should keep us on the board as a "go" for September. It was very emotional for me, knowing that we don't have the money yet and that I would have to tell them to take us off the September board. More on that in my next post. Mainly it was just hard trying to discuss that stuff and process it with XY and myself with other people in the house listening. (It's not the biggest house and it's hard to hide things from your mother.) It made for several very grouchy days around the house. Needless to say we are not doing IVF#1 in September. We are now on the board for November, so I need to really get my act together and try to lose some weight and figure out the whole where to get some money to pay for it without resorting to robbing a bank. Anyone have any ideas or want to tell me how you ended up affording your IVF/infertility treatments when your health insurance wouldn't cover IVF/IUI?

Just a Quickie!

My Stats

CD-25?
Vacation Day #-5

This is just a quick note to say "I'm Still Here!". Really, I'm on vacation, but I haven't had any time to post to my blog in almost two weeks and I'm going through withdrawal.

Here's a quick update:
**IUI#4-failed miserably

**Next cycle started and from CD8 though CD 16 (except for cycle day 14), XY and I had sex every day (sometimes even twice a day) and I really hoped that even without the fertility drugs and another IUI we might actually conceive on our own for once.

**Went on June 14th for consult with RE to find out "what's the next step?" Was told next step is IVF-go directly to IVF. Great, trying not to cry in RE's office. Asking isn't there anything else we can try, a different type of drug? NOPE-"IVF, but I'll put you on our "board"/waiting list right away, as the earliest we can fit you in is 3 months. Oh, and that's only if you have paid us in full for the procedure first." (Approximately $11K)

**Weird,early spotting on CD20,21,22

That's my quick infertility/cycle update. When I get back from vacation, I need to call the infertility cost lender that my RE's office recommended to try and get a loan for the IVF procedure which will hopefully happen in September since my insurance might cover the fertility drugs, but DOES NOT cover the actual IVF w/ICSI procedure.

As for the vacation, we are now in New York (state not the city). It took us 3 days of traveling through a lot of rain and possible tornado clouds to get here, but it finally feels like our vacation has really started. We stopped in Pennsylvania to visit some relatives, then headed up to New York and have now spent some time with more relatives and friends. It's been nice, but short. A lot packed into a three day stop and we definitely can't fit everyone in that we want to see, which really puts a damper on part of the vacation stop, but there is only so much you can do or so many people you can see in three days.

We leave tomorrow for an overnight stay in Boston, Massachusetts for a "RUSH" (greatest rock band ever-per XY) concert, then on to our nine day stay in Maine. I am so looking forward to all the seafood we will eat over the next week-YUM.

Well, I probably won't have computer access after tomorrow, so I won't be able to post again till we get back from our vacation. Hope everyone else is having a nice, relaxing summer trying to keep cool in this heat wave we seem to be having! Summer seems to finally have arrived! Now time for some relaxing!

Crash & Burn

It has been a hectic, busy week. Needless to say I had a bit more spotting on Tuesday so I decided to do a store bought HPT and it came out negative. The next day (Wednesday, the 30th) I did the "official, doctor's office provided" pregnancy test and again it came out NEGATIVE. (Could the single control line have been any brighter?!) So, IUI#4 is another failure. Four tries for failures. The funny thing was, that this time when it happened and I told XY, he just said, "Well, we'll just keep trying." First time he's ever really said that during all this infertility testing, drug taking, artificial insemination stuff. Sometimes he totally just surprises me with wonderful supportive words and I realize how blessed I am to have married him. "We'll just keep trying." That totally helped me from diving right into a pit of despair.

So, I called the RE's office to tell them that #4 was a bust and I now have a "consultation" appointment with my RE scheduled for next week on the 14th. Luckily it is here (she deigns to come to my city once a month for consults) rather than almost 2 hours away. I'm just hoping that she more positive than negative. I am hoping she just decides to try different drugs or something. If she says go directly to IVF I will be crushed by the fact that we really are not in a position to afford that right now, since our insurance doesn't cover it. I know we should have been saving more, but sometimes you just can't or maybe I've been deluding myself with all these other infertiles stories of IUI working and I didn't want to face the fact that it might not work for me. Either way, I need to figure somethings out and I really just hope the consultation with the RE is more positive and geared towards my needs than negative and geared towards the RE's bank account. I know, I know pessimistic, but some things regarding the RE have been happening/bugging me lately, but I'll save that for another day's post.

As it was I was so stressed out over the work week and the failed IUI, I caved and ate some bread. Very bad, but psychologically it totally made me feel better. Nothing like a food crutch to make an emotional eater feel better.

Fingers crossed for the RE follow-up consultation on the 14th!

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

My Stats

CD-22
Days since IUI#4-11

Days w/o Bread=26

I am trying not to panic. Went to the bathroom a couple of hours ago and had a tiny bit of light pink spotting. I'm not supposed to take my pregnancy test until Wednesday (three more days). I am hoping it is just implantation spotting, but I'm fearing the worst. It's a holiday weekend and I could try to call the RE's office, but it is a Sunday and tomorrow is Memorial Day so I really don't think that anything can be done, especially this early in the cycle. XY says I should just relax and monitor it. If there is still spotting tomorrow then call the RE's office. I know he's right. I mean what more can they do? I'm already taking progesterone suppositories twice a day.

It's been a nice weekend otherwise. Relaxing. I've rented several movies including the first two "Harry Potter" movies. I want to watch all four before the new (5th) movie comes out in July. So yesterday, XY and I went for a walk around the neighborhood (about 20 minutes, but nothing strenuous). So today they are having a carnival in the parking lot of the local library. In the ten years I've lived in this city, we have never gone. So XY and I walked over (about 10-15 minute walk), looked around, played a couple of overpriced games, and had some food. He had a small (gigantic) sno-cone and I ate a funnel cake. It's more pancake batter than bread so I don't really think it was cheating. I do think it made my blood sugar go all wonky though, because when we got back I totally collapsed in the bed for about a two or three hour nap. I don't know I was just exhausted. Then when I woke up, that's when I discovered the spotting.

I've gone on a few trusted infertility blogs/sites (Thalia's Fertility Journey, BrooklynGirl, IVF Connections, Fertility Friends) and I'm just hoping that the spotting is from implantation and not my period coming early or a failed implantation. Fingers crossed, I keep praying that everything is okay and I'm really trying not to pull out an HPT and check. (Since the last time I did that during an IUI cycle I got my hopes up and then when the actual day came I got a big fat negative and later learned that HCG can create a false positive if you test too early.)

As for my 28 day "no bread" products, I've holding at approximately 8 pounds lost. I had one day where I slipped and ate XY's left over chicken burrito (darn you tortilla shell), but other than that I haven't had any problems. I don't even really miss all that bread! There's hope for my carb loading eating habits yet.

In the meantime, I am going to try to stay positive and wait till Wednesday for my pregnancy test. I'm really hoping this spotting was an anomaly and that it won't happen again. If anyone out there feels like sending positive thoughts my way, they would be much appreciated. That's all you can do right? Try to stay positive.

The Waiting Game

My Stats

CD-18
Weight-248.4 lb
BMI-43.7 (by my scale)

Days w/o Bread=22

Between work and this IUI cycle it has been a crazy two weeks. I did the Follistim and Ganirellix again on CD 8. I did my HCG trigger shot on the following day. (Monday, CD 9). Tuesday was a day of rest. Then last Wednesday (CD 9) it was the two hour drive to the fertility clinic for IUI#4. It went pretty well. We had to be there by 7:20am, so that XY could make his deposit. About an hour and a half later it was my turn. This time the procedure was done by one of the nurses, but I like her a lot and I didn't even feel it when she inserted the catheter. XY's count was 193,000,000 swimmers so unless someone pipes up and tells me that sucks, I'm pretty happy with that amount. Of course, it was the usual "only 10 minute" wait till I could put my legs down and head home. (We milked it for an extra 5 minutes though-just to make me feel better.) Is it just me or does every other gal out there hate the thought of having a plastic bag covered sponge stuck up their cooch for 4 hours after the procedure. Granted it doesn't hurt and if they do it right, you can't feel it, but not exactly a highlight on my "to do" list.

Well, afterwards XY was sweet enough to offer up the caveats of lunch at a nice restaurant and a trip to Borders. Strolling around Borders before the cramps start up (a given) for magazines and books to lay around and look at in bed later that afternoon is definitely a nice way to say "thanks for trying to get knocked up with my baby."

So, of course the final instructions were "have sex" tomorrow, then start up with the Prometrium 200mg supplements twice a day the day after that during the 2WW. That's where we're at-it's been a week of fun suppositories, but if it works...I'm all for it! That's it for now. Time to get back to concentrating on the season finale of "Lost". I will be so sad if they kill Charlie off and it is permanent!

Hugh Darling...Could You Pass Me That Shot of Ganirelix?

Stats

CD-8 (Sunday night)
Fertility Drugs-Follistim 225, Ganirelix 0.5 mL syringe (Sat & Sun nights)
Other Medications-Prenatal & Vitamin C, Synthroid, Metformin x2

Days w/o Bread=12

Well, three more days till IUI#4. I'm trying to stay positive, happy, and in the "this time it's going to work" mood. My meds have been upped from just Follistim 225 to Follistim 225 plus a syringe of Ganirelix .5 mL last night and tonight. A funny thing happened on the way to the injection site.

Last night, I promised my neighbor we would go see "Music and Lyrics" at the cheap theater. I had asked her if she wanted to go Friday, but that was a bust and we rescheduled for Saturday. Unfortunately I had a new desk delivered at 6:45am! Let me tell you right now, I am NOT a morning person. To make matters worse, I had a whopping case of insomnia the night before and didn't get to bed till almost 5:30am as it was. The closer it gets to summer, the more insomnia creeps into my life. Add that to the fact that I am totally worried about IUI try #4 and you have a recipe for a disastrously unproductive weekend. After the wonderful, new desk was delivered and set up, I trundled back to bed in zombie like fashion. Unfortunately my sweet XY decided to wake me up four hours later because he wanted me to eat something. ("Well you're Type II diabetic, I was worried about your blood sugar.") After having eaten something, I proceeded to get in a very snippy row with XY because he was loudly complaining about the dirty dishes in the sink (okay they were bad and the pile was high) while I was trying to go back to sleep. One clean sink of dishes later (of course that wasn't all of them) and one threat that he'd better not do the rest of them while I was sleeping (otherwise he should have just kept his mouth shut in the first place and let me sleep), I was back in coma land. Only to be woken up three hours later by the phone and the neighbor across the street wanting to know what time we were leaving for the movie. Not wanting to drag this out any further (even though I was totally worried about taking my fertility drugs on time) I told her 6:30pm and proceeded to drag myself out of bed and take a shower to wake up.

I did try to call the pharmacy in Massachusetts where my fertility drugs come from, but unfortunately they were already closed for the day. I then proceeded to try the previous pharmacy I got my drugs from in Texas (the one I really liked till my bastard insurance company switched preferred providers on me) but they were also closed. I finally called the local pharmacy and just asked them what date to go by, the weird "discard" date or the "expiration" date. They said expiration date, so I felt better that I would not be wasting any fertility drugs and took the gal on the phone's word for it.

Follistim AQ pen and Ganirelix Acetate prefilled syringe in my bag, I headed off to see the dishy Hugh Grant on the celluloid screen. The movie was pretty good for a chick flick. Brad Garrett's sidekick manager/friend character could have been funnier and Drew Barrymore's character could have been a little less neurotic, but Hugh was definitely dishy. They even threw in an obligatory naked chest scene. All the more reason to pay my $3 plus popcorn and diet pop to go see Hugh on the big scene. Of course, I did keep checking my watch to see if 9pm was fast approaching. (My shoot up time.) The credits were just rolling at 9pm and I didn't want to wait another 15-30 minutes to take my fertility shots at home, so I slipped into the bathroom to shoot up. There were three girls ahead of me, who gave me a "don't queue barge" look when I passed them to get to the sinks and wash my hands. By the time I had disinfected and pulled out the syringes the line was twice as long and I really didn't want to pull down my jeans, expose my jelly belly, and shoot up in front of a bunch of strangers so I got back in line. I felt I had to explain to the woman next to me why I was getting back in line when she looked at the case in my hand and proceeded to ask me if I hadn't already gone. So of course everyone else in line heard me say "well I have to take some meds and I'm sure no one wants to watch me stick a needle in myself." Great-but frankly I'll never see those people again, so who cares. I finally got in a stall and was giving myself the second injection when my neighbor popped in to check if I was okay. Explaining about the line of people and the prep time (okay it took me 20 minutes to do the whole thing) I exited the stall and proceeded to head out the door. Frankly I hate that my neighbor knows so much about my fertility stuff, since it's not like she's my best friend or anything, but somehow it is easier to just give her too much information when she asks questions than to try to fake the fact that I am going through all this. I guess I feel that if people ask, I'd rather tell them warts and all then try to spare them their "discomfort". Hey if you ask, I'm gonna tell. If you don't want to know, then don't ask.

So, that was last night. Today was much more productive (although never productive enough). I took the second set of Follistim and Ganirelix shots with little incident. (Okay the plunger on the Ganirelix almost came off, but I didn't panic and got it all injected in me so everything should be fine.) I've been a little crampy and gassy since then, but that's a small price to pay for the chance to get pregnant and have a baby.

Tomorrow, the trigger shot! [I have another meeting tomorrow night, but I am definitely leaving said meeting early if it looks like it will go past 8pm. There is NO WAY I am going to try to mix up an HCG shot of liquid with powder and change the long needle to a short needle in the bathroom of Red Lobster. Not if I can help it!]

P.S. XY and I did get in one bit of business this morning, so that is one less thing I have to worry about. You would think sex would be relaxing, but when the RE nurse is telling you a minimum of 2-3 days abstinence before the procedure, well I want it all to go off without a hitch and work and XY just feels the pressure to perform. It doesn't make for the most relaxing baby making. I'll just be happy once it's Wednesday afternoon and IUI#4 is done. Course, then there is the 2WW, but let's not put the cart before the horse just yet.

Freaking Eater of Blog Post.....

My Stats

CD-6
Fertility Drugs-Follistim AQ
Other Drugs-Synthroid, Metformin x2, Prenatal & Vitamin C

Days w/o Bread=10

I am so freaking pissed right now! I just wrote this long post about what's going on right now and the bloody computer ate it!

Basically I am freaking out about the fact that I screwed up and got sidetracked and took my Follistim (225 units) shot an hour late. It was supposed to be at 9pm and I spaced it and didn't realize till 10pm that I hadn't taken it. Of course, I jumped up and took it right away then, but I'm freaking that it might screw up IUI#4. I went and tried to look at another infertility blog to see if I could find the answer. I finally Googled it and found a website for an infertility clinic with a FAQ page that said not taking it at "exactly" the same time as the night before shouldn't screw up the IUI procedure. Phew...dodged a bullet there. Of course, if IUI#4 doesn't work then I will totally know that my taking the shot an hour late is the cause for another failure.

I'm also worried because I start my Ganirelix shot tomorrow night. In preparation, I was looking at my supply and while I have enough I realized that one of the boxes has an "expiration" date of April 2008, but the prescription label has a "discard" date of 5/10/2007. If I take the shot tomorrow night then it will be 2 days past the discard date. I don't want to take a shot that might be too old, but on the other hand I don't want to waste any infertility drugs if I don't have to. I tried searching for the difference between "expiration" and "discard" date, but couldn't find anything. I know I will call the 1-800 number for the pharmacy tomorrow and ask them, but in the meantime does anyone out there know what the difference is between the two dates? If I take the Ganirelix 2 days past the "discard" date, but before the expiration date, should it be okay? Which date is more important?

Here is a quick update on my status.

Took Follistim AQ shot (225 units) Tues, Wed, Thurs
Had blood work and ultrasound#2 today (Friday)
Took Follistim AQ shot (225 units) Friday night (but one hour late)
Sat&Sun-will take Follistim (225 units) plus a pre-filled shot of Ganirelix both nights.
Sometime by Sunday have sex with XY. (RE office nurse said abstinence before procedure of a minimum of 2-3 days.)
Monday night-Give self HCG trigger shot
Tuesday-nothing
Wednesday-Drive almost 2 hours to RE's office so XY & I are there by 7:20am (yikes) for IUI#4. (Take entire day off work, rather than make previous mistake of going back to work after procedure.)

In the meantime any positive thoughts/prayers would be appreciated. I have an acupuncture appointment on Tuesday to hopefully help me relax before the procedure on Wednesday morning. I am currently trying to think positive thoughts, send up imploring wishes to any gods/goddesses listening. Offering up bushels of pomegranates to Persephone for any fertility mojo she can send my way.

Little White Pills

CD-1/2 (almost Day 1)
Weight-253.4 lbs
BMI-44.2

Days w/o Bread-4

Sometimes I think that the idea of ever having a baby is just a huge fantasy. It's like something right out of "Alice in Wonderland." It's falling down a rabbit hole, having to decide which side of the cookie you want to bite. It's relying on hopes, dreams, potions, and pills.

I finished the white pills out of my birth control pack. It feels so wrong taking birth control pills when I'm trying to get pregnant. I know that the RE has her reasons. I had three cycles with cysts and the "just rest and see if they go away on their own" directive obviously wasn't working. Hopefully taking the BC pills will even out my hormones enough to create a "normal" cycle. All I know is that I'm onto the placebo/iron pills of the pack and my period is starting. Not enough to call today (Saturday) day one, but I think I can definitely call tomorrow CD1.

If all goes well, this time I'll get the green light to shoot up a lot of infertility drugs (or should that just be fertility drugs) and XY and I can attempt IUI#4. Of course it couldn't be the worst possible time to try this with my work schedule this month, but the worst of my commitments don't begin till the 23rd. So if tomorrow is CD1 and we usually try an IUI between CD12-14, then at the worst CD14 would be the 20Th and I can just squeeze in the IUI before my stressful work deadlines arrive. (And we know how good stress is during all these proceedings!)

On a positive note, I've gone four whole days without any types of bread. I was really tempted to eat a burrito yesterday, but I stopped myself. XY came back from his work trip and the homecoming didn't go as well as I would have liked, but by the end of the day things had settled down so we went out to get a quick bite to eat. Dinner came with bread, but I passed it up. (It didn't even look very tempting.) I haven't told XY about my self-imposed ban on bread for the month, but he didn't seem to notice anyway. I also noticed that I dropped almost 3 pounds in the last 4 days so that's at least a "tiny" bit reassuring that this crazy idea might not be so crazy after all.

28 Days

With the XY factor out of town for the week on business, I am trying to make the most of some "alone" time. I love watching movies, but because of "the job" I really haven't had much time for renting/going to the movies lately. I've supplemented over the last few months by getting as gifts/purchasing Season 3-5 of "Angel", Season 1&2 of "Once & Again", and seasons 2-4 of "Alias", and Season 2 of "Numb3rs". Along with a bunch of Agatha Christie "Hercule Poirot" movies and Season 1 of "Hetty Wainthropp Investigates". So, technically I haven't had to go through "entertainment on the celluloid screen" withdrawal.

I am however taking advantage of XY's absence and so I rented 6 movies to watch over the next week while I am working on house projects. The first one I watched was "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock & Viggo Mortensen. It's basically about this mixed-up writer who is addicted to drugs and alcohol and ends up having to do a stint in rehab after she drunkenly leaves her sister's wedding and drives the limo into someones house. Definitely a chick movie, but not as "feel good" as you would think. No girl cleans up act and ends up in the arms of the perfect man ending. Anyway, it got me thinking about addiction and recovery including the different types of addiction.

Can an infertile become too "addicted" to trying to conceive? Not necessarily addicted to the fertility drugs themselves, but addicted to the process and the rush of hope that goes with it. (As someone who has given themselves multiple injections daily and still not gotten pregnant I just can't see anyone getting addicted to Follistem, Ganirellex, or any other fertility drug.) I think that "hope" and "desire" can be very addicting. Anyone who's felt the effects of adrenalin and serotonin might agree.

I wouldn't say I'm "addicted" to infertility treatments (disappointed-YES, still trying-YES, loving it-NO) but getting back to that "weighty" issue I know that I am definitely some type of food addict. Not anorexic or bulimic, but definitely a compulsive/comfort eater. Stress me out and I go for the food. Feeling sad, feeling blue where's that sundae, chocolate bar, box of french fries, bag of potato chips? The entire binge eating issue is not for today's post. We'll leave it for another time, but after watching "28 Days" I am inspired to try something.

One of my worst food offenders is bread. It's not even my go to food, but it lurks in the background, waiting for me to notice it. One piece is never enough and unless it's for a sandwich it is usually accompanied by it's evil sidekick-"Butter Boy". (Clogger of arteries and willing servant of my arch nemesis-Mr. Obesity!) So, as part of my "race to regain my fertility" I am hereby declaring a BAN on all bread products for the next 28 days. It's my simple carb in the form of bread rehab stint. Starting tomorrow (May 2ND) I will not eat any bread (toast, sandwich bread, rolls, croissants [mmmm croissants], crackers, croutons, pita pockets, tortillas, or bagels [mmm bagels]) for 28 days. My only thoughts are while I don't think that pancakes or waffles (which I hardly eat anyway) would be considered "a type of bread", I unfortunately fear that I am going to have to classify "muffins" as bread. Especially since you can slice them open and slather them with "Butter Boy". (We've all heard of English Muffins haven't we and those are definitely bread in my book.) So wish me luck! I'll keep you all updated with my progress (like an inmate marking off time served on the jail cell wall). Now I just have to think up some kind of mantra for those tempting times. How's this..."NO Bread on the Lips, Less Weight on the Thighs or Hips....Go Fertility!"

Press Rewind

It feels as if lately it's always one step forward...two steps back. I started putting down my thoughts about exercise and losing weight. There's been so much weight in my life for a long time: emotional and physical. Before I can proceed, I think I should go back and explain the events of the last several years. How I got to this point.

I wouldn't say that I was always "cooing" over babies growing up, but I did know that I wanted to have a family. It was always part of the plan. Another part of the plan was to only have one child, two at the very most. I come from what I consider a large family. I grew up with five sisters. Fighting over the only working bathroom, hand me down clothes, not enough money for college let alone music lessons for everyone made me realize that I didn't want to have a lot of kids. I didn't want my kid(s) to feel the way I did when friends I had got things like piano lessons, new designer clothes (jordache jeans anyone?), summer camp, a junior year abroad. Don't get me wrong, my parents put food on the table, a roof over our heads, birthday and holiday presents, but there was always only so much to go around and choices had to be made as to who got what. I just don't think it's right to have so many children that they end up feeling like their needs fall between the cracks. A parent always wants more for their child than what they had, that doesn't mean that your children grow up to be spoiled. It's a parent's job not only to provide for the basic plus needs of their child but to also help their child to grow up into a caring adult. So, children yes, just not a lot of them.

Oh the irony of the gods and goddesses.

You spend a majority of your teenage and college years worrying about unplanned pregnancies and how to avoid them and then when you hit your thirties you realize that you have fertility problems and all that worrying was for nothing!

The ideal life included the following: college degree, good job/nice career, travel, and then hit the big 3-0 and have a baby. Except...the big 3-0 came and went 7 years ago and still no baby.

Here's the time line:

30-stop using birth control, don't get pregnant, see OB/GYN runs blood work-high blood sugar prescribes Glucophage/Metformin (not ready to admit the whole "high blood sugar" thing-stop taking meds, stop seeing OB/GYN

31-depressed about not getting pregnant when "planned"-spend the whole year sulking and still not pregnant

32-start trying again to get pregnant with a more positive attitude, still not pregnant

33-still not pregnant, talk to GP about wanting to get pregnant, GP "mumbles" the words "high blood sugar", "effects ovulation". Prescribes 500mg Metformin to try to regulate blood sugar and jump start ovulation

35-still not pregnant, still taking Metformin. Go to GP's office in January 2005, tell doctor getting discouraged, still not pregnant even after 2+ years of blood sugar regulating drug. [Note: This is just after terrible tsunami hits Thailand and other islands in the Pacific/Indian Ocean area.] Doctor mentions horrible tsunami and tons of orphaned children and recommends I try adoption instead. Black and bitter thoughts as I leave doctor's office regarding "wishes" of patient being ignored. Several months later (late summer of 2005) finally make appointment with OB/GYN (same office as previous one, but different doctor). Explain desire for child, inability to conceive so far. New doctor nice, even if during general exam she makes comment about that fact that I am 35 and therefore already reproductively challenged. (Basically old with old eggs, unlike nubile underage teenagers getting knocked up by stupid careless equally under aged boyfriends.) Doctor orders blood work, ultrasound, and HSG (Hystosalpingogram). Small fibroid in uterine lining. Doctor increases Metformin to 1000mg 2xday. Doesn't seem that concerned about fibroid being a problem.

Still 35-[Sept, Oct, Nov 2005] 3 months of trying Chlomid, still no pregnancies and ultrasounds show follicles that are not really getting big. Largest one during three months is 10mm. OB/GYN refers me to Reproductive Endocrinologist who is connected to her office, but actually has own office in city 1 1/2 hours from my city.

Almost 36-[Dec 2005] Consult with RE at my OB/GYN's office regarding "the plan", next steps to take. RE is concerned with small fibroid in uterine wall. Schedules follow up appointment at her own offices for next month.

36-[Jan 2006] Drive 1 1/2 hours away to RE's office for more ultrasound, initial appointment, formal introduction to the infertility world and what happens next.
[Feb 2006] Have same day lapryscopic surgery at clinic RE works with to remove fibroid. Drive 1 1/2 hours back home a couple hours after surgery. (Well partner drives me home.)
[Mar 2006] RE checks me out. Fibroid removal seems to be a success, but cyst on ovary (yes, have been diagnosed with PCOS-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) so we'll wait till next month to try Artificial Insemination.
[Apr 2006] Get all clear from RE, nurses explain whole infertility drug procedure including numerous trips to get ultrasounds while monitoring follicles for IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). Big box of drugs show up on doorstep including Follistim, Ganirelix, and HCG (trigger shot). Drugs are taken with some trepidation. IUI is performed by another RE at my clinic/RE's practice. Sperm count is 125,000,000. 2WW later and big fat NEGATIVE on pregnancy test. Call RE's office and give results. Told to call back again on cycle day 1.
[May 2006] Call Cycle Day 1, schedule ultrasound. Cyst, told to rest this month. No infertility drugs, try again next month.
[June/July 2006] These months are a wash-both times that cycle starts I am out of town and not able to make ultrasound appointments or follow-ups for correct timing for IUI.
[Aug/Sept 2006] Cyst, no IUI attempts-just rest-give cysts chance to go away on own.
[Oct 2006]-No cysts. More fertility drugs. IUI#2-2WW-big fat NEGATIVE!
[Nov 2006]-No cysts. More fertility drugs, but different mail order pharmacy because of crap insurance decision to switch preferred providers. Angst over having to be at home for Fed Ex delivery of drugs which MUST (I am told) be signed for in person, not just left on doorstep. Drugs received. (Still Follistim, Ganirelix, and HCG trigger shot.)IUI#3 performed (This time by office nurse rather than male RE like last 2 times.)Sperm count 250,000,000+.-2WW-another BIG FAT NEGATIVE!
[Dec 2006]-Decide to skip IUI attempt this month as both husband and I are disappointed that back to back IUIs were both failures, plus holiday stress makes this time of year all the more fun to be trying for a family. Can you see the irony of conceiving in the late days of December?

37-[Jan 2007]Cycle Day 1-call RE, get ultrasound appointment (at hospital versus local OB/GYN office as U/S tech is out sick that day and appointments are all cancelled.) Hospital ultrasound tech lets me know that I have two cysts. One on left is 24mm, one on right is 40mm. Tech is shocked at size of right cyst and nervously asks if I am in a lot of pain. RE nurse calls later that day. This month is a "no go"-just rest, no drugs for month. Next day (luckily a Saturday) I am bedridden all day because of immense menstrual pain-I'm sure it is right cyst rupturing.
[Feb 2007] Call RE office on cycle day 1 and let nurse know that I am skipping IUI attempts this month. (Basically I was told that if nothing happened with IUI try #4, we would have to "schedule a consultation". I am freaking out that doctor will either tell me I am barren with no hope of conceiving or that I must go right to IVF which is expensive and not covered by our insurance.)
[Mar 2007] Muster up courage to call RE's office on cycle day one and schedule initial ultrasound. Right side cyst gone, but left side cyst still there. No infertility drugs or IUI procedures for this month. Just rest and give cyst chance to go away on own.
[Apr 2007] Cycle Day 1-out of town on mini-holiday visiting old girlfriend. Call RE office on CD2 and also call local OB/GYN office to schedule an initial ultrasound for CD3. Ultrasound revels no cyst on left side, but 31mm cyst on right side. RE office calls and says "no infertility drugs or IUI attempt this month"...BUT being put on low dose of birth control for this month (starting that night) to try to get rid of cysts so that we can do IUI#4 in May. (Did I happen to mention that May is absolutely the worst possible month out of my work year to try this? May is the most stressful month for my job. Unfortunately I am worried that June will be a bust and possibly July as well because our "big vacation" is scheduled for the last week of June/first week of July and that will either be right at the end of a cycle/time to do an IUI or right at the beginning of one and how will that be monitored/handled if we are out of town?)

That's it in a nutshell. And yes, I am a huge worrywart, so I'm sure all that stress and worrying just does wonders for my cycles and IUI tries. Everyone all on the same page now?