Sydney Bristow is Still My Hero!

Jennifer Garner is pregnant again! She is one of my favorite actresses, fit, no nonsense, great with her daughter, and honest about her pregnancy issues (exercise, breastfeeding, etc.). I think she is an awesome role model, even if she doesn't suffer from any infertility issues. I have always liked her work and loved her as Sydney Bristow in "Alias". She is an inspiration to have a healthy pregnancy.

So, while I am still not pregnant some things have been occurring. I lost 20 pounds in the last month. I've been cutting back on my portions and being more conscience of my eating habits. I joined a gym with a pool and have started swimming laps again. I've started actually using my treadmill again (while watching episodes of "Alias"). Things have been very positive lately and I can't really say the reason out loud, but recent events have just made me happier; have made me want to take better care of myself and try to focus back on trying to have a baby! It's time to stop feeling so depressed and discouraged and really do something about it.

On that note, after talking to a few friends, I decided to get a second opinion. Another RE was highly recommended by two people I know who had positive results from her (twins both times) and so I made a point to schedule a consultation with her. Of course she is booked solid till March, but I have heard she gets better results than my last doctor and it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion. Plus if the only solution really is IVF, that gives me 6 months to come up with the money for it. I'm not happy that by the time I see this woman I will be 39, but that also means that time is hitting a critical running out stage and maybe this is a sign that I need to be more proactive with all this and not get bogged down on all the disappointments.

In the meantime, one of my best friends is almost due to have her 5th child and while I am slightly jealous, I can't wait to be an auntie again! Well, things are looking a little brighter in my thoughts at least, so hopefully I can keep these positive thoughts going and concentrate on getting ready for this consultation in March.

Time for a Change

Whew...it's been forever since I've had time to post here or even wanted to post here. This past year at work was hellish, but I survived and now my outlook is a little different on things. I've missed writing, but an infertility blog is not much if you don't have much to write about! Still no baby and not enough money set aside to pay for IVF....total bummer if I think about it.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about making some changes to this blog. I still want it to be an infertility blog, but I think I want it to be more. I've actually finally started getting into exercising (more on that in another post) and I've lost 15 pounds, but I'm not sure if I want to keep the name of this blog. Sometimes I think it limits what I can talk about here. I actually have another name in mind and I'm really debating whether I should make the switch and truly re-start this blog. I don't want it to go away, but I want more motivation to keep posting to it and I do hope I could get some constructive/positive feedback that will help support my struggle with my emotions over my infertility and my life. Maybe I am being a bit narcassitic, but while I want the anonymity of a blog to vent my frustrations and explore things in my life that I can't or don't want to share with my friends or family, I do want to know that someone out there is listening to me and gets the things I worry about, especially pertaining to this horrid thing called "infertility".

So, please bare with me and give me a few days....you might come back to a slightly revamped blog with a new name and added blogging flavor on the incites in my infertility and how it effects my life.

Thanks for being patient and being there for me, those of you who have actually been reading this blog. Back soon, I promise.

Here's The Plan

The challenge: lose a whole bunch of weight
The goal: lose a whole bunch of weight AND GET PREGNANT!
The health issues: Hypothyroidism, Insulin Resistance/Type 2 Diabetes, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, INFERTILITY!
The road blocks: too much food, not enough exercise

The Plan:

1. Increase my exercise level.
2. Overhaul the way I eat.
3. Get pregnant, have a baby, enjoy life.

The plan seems simple. The plan is hard. No matter how many times I've tried to lose weight, to deal with my emotions, to not eat when I'm upset, angry, emotional-I just never seem to follow through.

Is there hope?

Here's the good news (and the bad):

Exercise: yoga ( 1 1/2 years: 2 x a week), water aerobics (1-2 x a week for the past month)-a treadmill that I bought a year ago, that has been gathering dust for almost a year (but at least I bought it)

Nutrition: Horrid but at least I'm willing to admit that. I do like nutritious food, but I get so stressed out and busy with work that over the last several years I've gone from being a pretty good cook to being an even better junk food junkie. With the Type 2 Diabetes, I have learned the difference between things like "a glass of orange juice" verses "an orange". Unfortunately I have many times when I know that something is not good for my blood sugar but I eat it anyway. I also tend to be a closet eater.

Getting Pregnant: We haven't used birth control in almost 8 years. Still not pregnant. Too much weight-two much estrogen. Not ovulating properly. At least I finally stopped listening to the GP who wasn't doing any follow up, went to the OB/GYN and finally got referred to an RE. I've been seeing her for almost 2 years now-no luck yet, but at least I haven't been told that getting pregnant is an impossibility. Well, not yet anyway.

That's where it's at for now. Isn't that enough?

The Plan-Part 1

Well, I am slowly feeling better, so now it is time to try to move forward with "The Plan". One of the main reasons for this blog is to jump start my plan to lose weight. The one thing all my doctors agree on; lose weight and it will help you with your infertility/PCOS, thyroid problems, high blood sugar/Type 2 Diabetes. I don't disagree, I just know that it is one thing to be told something and it is another to really filter through that information. It is something totally different to actually take that advice and follow it. What is that phrase? "Easier said than done."

So, where to start? Part of me wants to start at the beginning-get the whole sordid story of my failure off my chest. Just lay out the plan? List my goals. That is so hard when you know how many New Year's resolutions have been started, but never accomplished. If I put it out there, if I put it in my blog, out there on the web for all to see...Is that a positive motivator or will I feel horrible if I am a failure once again? All I hear lately from my boss is that "change is a good thing" and what is change if not being brave enough to take risks, to try something new?

I chose "My Infertility Triathlon" because I need to be motivated to not give up on my chance at fertility, my chance at a family of my own (not just the screwed up one I was born into). As much as I love my partner, it's not enough. A child is something I have always wanted eventually and it doesn't matter if that child is biological or adopted, but at this moment in time I am not ready to give up on my chance to have a biological child. I'm not giving up on my chance to experience pregnancy and all it's joys and heartaches. I'm just not ready to concede the fact that I have let my past fears, problems, and issues ruin my dreams. I have let my past self create a totally different person than I envisioned my future self to be.

It is time for me to take control of my life and make it the way I pictured it. It's time to stop letting other peoples ideas, actions, and issues cloud my judgement and make me doubt myself. I am tired of running to the fridge for comfort every time I'm stressed or someone upsets me with their selfish attitude.

My plan is to try to embrace exercise, to really try to be more health conscience, to listen to my doctors advice with out letting it go in one ear and out the other. To stop finding excuses that keep me from stepping up to the plate and taking charge of my own destiny. If the doctors say "losing weight" will increase my chances of conceiving, then I need to acknowledge that and take charge instead of finding excuses to blame my problems on others and let this chance slowly fade away as every day my ovaries get just a little bit older.

Honestly, there is a plan. It will be revealed, but right now my other half keeps bugging me about hogging the Internet. An online homework assignment needs posting...I really need to get a freaking second phone line or DSL!