In Limbo

Sorry, it's been awhile since I posted. I meant to write more, but I've had a personal issue going on for about 1 1/2 months and it has been really distracting. I don't know what I am going to do, but it's something I really need to deal with just so I can move on and get back to concentrating on getting pregnant.

In the meantime, I have lost a total of 25 pounds since the end of August. That's pretty awesome for me! I am really starting to embrace the treadmill. I'm back to spinning class and yoga class and I am starting weight training with a personal trainer next week.

Even though my clothes are getting a lot baggier, I'm not going to buy any new pants until I have dropped at least 2 sizes, so that will take a little longer to achieve, but I don't want to get a bunch of new clothes, then gain the weight back, so I figure if I can go down 2 sizes, that will deserve some new pants for work!

So, I'm trying to keep up the exercise and watch what I eat. If I could just get down another 10 pounds I think I could get into some new pants!

I'll keep you posted!

Spinning My Troubles Away

So, I decided to try a spinning class today. My gym calls it "Power Pedal" but it's spinning. I used to do it and loved it and so I decided to get back into it now that I'm back at the gym. I also figured that since yesterday was a long day on the treadmill, I would try something different today.

It was great. Fifty minutes of biking and sweating and just enjoying the endorphins. It was a nice change up for a day and it gave me time to just enjoy the burn and think about some things and mull them over/get them in and out of my head. Definitely a good workout. I'm going to sign up again for next Monday!

I'm so happy to be getting into the exercise finally...it feels great and it really burns off some emotional energy too!

2 hours 34 minutes=5.755 miles!

So, I went in for my annual ob/gyn appointment on Thursday (more about that in another post). The point is that by the official doctor's office scale, I have lost 22 pounds since the middle of August. SHOCKING, I KNOW! Well, I can't really get into it, but I've had some motivation and it is working.

I joined a gym so I could go swimming, works been getting in the way of that lately, but I started and I hope to get back there this week. In the meantime, I've been really trying to use my treadmill. I've been watching episodes of "Alias" while I walk/jog on it. An episode of "Alias" is approximately 45 minutes long, so I'm hoping to eventually work up to 15 minutes of walking (warm up/cool down) and 30 minutes of jogging. My goal is for at least 5 days a week, but so far I'm trying to just do it at least every other day.

So, last week I could only get on for about 25 minutes on Sunday and then the rest of the week was super busy both personally and professionally, so no treadmill the rest of the week. I had an article due for work and finally completed that on Saturday, so Sunday I got up and got motivated. I decided to finish the episode of "Alias" I didn't complete the week before, then watch another full episode. I got through that and thought about stopping, but since I hadn't been on all week, I felt guilty and so I ended up walking through another episode of "Alias". A total of 2 1/2 episodes of "Alias" ended up being 2 hours 34 minutes on the treadmill for a total of 5.755 miles! Amazing and I felt great afterwards. Now I know that a slow pace for miles per minute, but the point is I did it!

After my shower (I'm trying to embrace the sweatiness of the treadmill-not my overall favorite feeling, but getting used to it) I decided to weigh myself. I hadn't been on the scale since Thursday. I got on and since Thursday, I was down another 4 pounds! Now, I'm taking my home scale with a grain of salt (since it's never the same as the doctor's office one) but still even if it's off a little at least it's still going down!!!! Yeah me!

Time for a Change

Whew...it's been forever since I've had time to post here or even wanted to post here. This past year at work was hellish, but I survived and now my outlook is a little different on things. I've missed writing, but an infertility blog is not much if you don't have much to write about! Still no baby and not enough money set aside to pay for IVF....total bummer if I think about it.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about making some changes to this blog. I still want it to be an infertility blog, but I think I want it to be more. I've actually finally started getting into exercising (more on that in another post) and I've lost 15 pounds, but I'm not sure if I want to keep the name of this blog. Sometimes I think it limits what I can talk about here. I actually have another name in mind and I'm really debating whether I should make the switch and truly re-start this blog. I don't want it to go away, but I want more motivation to keep posting to it and I do hope I could get some constructive/positive feedback that will help support my struggle with my emotions over my infertility and my life. Maybe I am being a bit narcassitic, but while I want the anonymity of a blog to vent my frustrations and explore things in my life that I can't or don't want to share with my friends or family, I do want to know that someone out there is listening to me and gets the things I worry about, especially pertaining to this horrid thing called "infertility".

So, please bare with me and give me a few days....you might come back to a slightly revamped blog with a new name and added blogging flavor on the incites in my infertility and how it effects my life.

Thanks for being patient and being there for me, those of you who have actually been reading this blog. Back soon, I promise.

Sydney Bristow (aka Jennifer Garner) is My Hero!

CD-13
TT(Treadmill Time)=2 hr 24 min
TM (Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi
TTM (Total Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi

Alias

Episode=S1E1 "Truth Be Told" & S1E2 "So It Begins"
(S1E#=Season 1, Episode #)

I have a treadmill. It gathers a lot of dust. I bought it almost two years ago after my father passed away. It was supposed to be a symbol of a new life, a change in attitude. I was going to turn over a new leaf and become a lover of exercise, a new thinner, happier, healthier me. The dust is probably an inch thick by now and I am not a single pound lighter, but I have a plan.

I love the TV show "Alias". I have all five seasons on DVD and I've made a pact with myself. I'm going to re-watch every episode from start to finish, but I can't watch them unless I'm doing it while I walk/run on the treadmill. Sure Jennifer Garner didn't seem to have any problems conceiving her daughter, Violet, but she definitely seems to be a parent who likes the outdoors and getting exercise. Plus, the character she played on "Alias" (Sydney Bristow) could definitely kick ass against the bad guys and was always knee deep in exercise and action. I can't think of a better role model for trying to get my PCOS, overweight body in gear and try to embrace exercise, lose some weight, and hopefully make my body more fertility friendly.

The goal is to try to watch several episodes a week (although one a day would be perfect) while I'm walking on the treadmill. Each episode is about 45 minutes long (without commercials) and I think that's a good goal, especially if I work up to an episode a day. It's certainly more than I have been doing.

I started this past Sunday and watched most of the pilot (which was longer than an average episode). I ended up walking for 50 minutes and watching about 2/3rds of "Truth Be Told". Monday was super busy and I was a bit tired from the day before, but Tuesday morning I got up early for me (5:30am) and watched the rest of the pilot and then that evening I watched episode 2 (So It Begins) for a total daily time of 92 minutes. I've started off with zero incline and about a 2.5 mile speed/pace. I'm hoping to increase the incline by 1 degree each month and increase my speed by 1/2 a mile each month until I reach a 5 mile pace or have gone from walking for at least 1/2 hour to jog/running for at least 1/2 hour each session. (I can walk the rest of the episode time as a warm up/cool down period).

I think I'm off to a good start and I really think the whole "can't watch an episode of 'Alias' unless I do it while on the treadmill" will be a good motivator to get me started on the road to enjoying exercise. So stay tuned for further updates!

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

My Stats

CD-22
Days since IUI#4-11

Days w/o Bread=26

I am trying not to panic. Went to the bathroom a couple of hours ago and had a tiny bit of light pink spotting. I'm not supposed to take my pregnancy test until Wednesday (three more days). I am hoping it is just implantation spotting, but I'm fearing the worst. It's a holiday weekend and I could try to call the RE's office, but it is a Sunday and tomorrow is Memorial Day so I really don't think that anything can be done, especially this early in the cycle. XY says I should just relax and monitor it. If there is still spotting tomorrow then call the RE's office. I know he's right. I mean what more can they do? I'm already taking progesterone suppositories twice a day.

It's been a nice weekend otherwise. Relaxing. I've rented several movies including the first two "Harry Potter" movies. I want to watch all four before the new (5th) movie comes out in July. So yesterday, XY and I went for a walk around the neighborhood (about 20 minutes, but nothing strenuous). So today they are having a carnival in the parking lot of the local library. In the ten years I've lived in this city, we have never gone. So XY and I walked over (about 10-15 minute walk), looked around, played a couple of overpriced games, and had some food. He had a small (gigantic) sno-cone and I ate a funnel cake. It's more pancake batter than bread so I don't really think it was cheating. I do think it made my blood sugar go all wonky though, because when we got back I totally collapsed in the bed for about a two or three hour nap. I don't know I was just exhausted. Then when I woke up, that's when I discovered the spotting.

I've gone on a few trusted infertility blogs/sites (Thalia's Fertility Journey, BrooklynGirl, IVF Connections, Fertility Friends) and I'm just hoping that the spotting is from implantation and not my period coming early or a failed implantation. Fingers crossed, I keep praying that everything is okay and I'm really trying not to pull out an HPT and check. (Since the last time I did that during an IUI cycle I got my hopes up and then when the actual day came I got a big fat negative and later learned that HCG can create a false positive if you test too early.)

As for my 28 day "no bread" products, I've holding at approximately 8 pounds lost. I had one day where I slipped and ate XY's left over chicken burrito (darn you tortilla shell), but other than that I haven't had any problems. I don't even really miss all that bread! There's hope for my carb loading eating habits yet.

In the meantime, I am going to try to stay positive and wait till Wednesday for my pregnancy test. I'm really hoping this spotting was an anomaly and that it won't happen again. If anyone out there feels like sending positive thoughts my way, they would be much appreciated. That's all you can do right? Try to stay positive.

Triathlon Log-Day 1

My Stats

Cycle Day (CD)-?? Finishing RE ordered birth control pack, waiting for CD1 to start!
Height-5 ft 3 in
Weight-256 lb
BMI-44.3

Days w/o Bread-1

I've been really nervous about putting my statistics out on the web for all to see. I finally decided, "What's a better motivator than seeing the actual numbers?" Numbers are facts and the science geek in me keeps whispering, "You can't hide from the facts." Since this is my infertility triathlon, it made sense to keep a log and that's what this blog basically is; a log of my attempts to lose weight, exercise more, and overcome the infertility hurdle. Will I put up the stats every day? Doubtful. I don't think I can stand looking at my "weight" every day, but if people know my height and BMI, I think they can do the reverse mathematics involved to determine my current weight.

By the way, it's 5:03pm, I am officially blowing off yoga tonight. Don't get me wrong, I love yoga, but it starts in 17 minutes, so unless I leave right now, it's just not going to happen. I've had yesterday and today off from work so I could take a break, relax, work on cleaning out my home office. Status report: I've been reading parts of "The Sisters Grimm: The Fairytale Detectives" and "Carpe Demon: Adventures of a Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom" and I've got to say it's a bit more relaxing then sorting piles of paper junk. Meanwhile I've watched a little TV [House] and shoveled most of the paper junk off the office floor onto my bed. (Where else should I put it? It's got to go out of the room to be sorted or the room will never get cleaned.) AND, I go back to work tomorrow, so either I go to yoga and feel guilty that when I get home the piles on the bed will still be there and the checkbook will still not be balanced (or bills paid) or I blow off yoga and as soon as I'm done posting this, I go back to work on the office and the paper stacks.

The newly motivated fitness side of me says "go to yoga", but the old, I don't feel like exercising and there are too many distractions, chores, TV programs to watch instead side of me wins out.

On another note, today is Day 1 of "NO BREAD" and so far it's been good. I did eat some chips (swap one addiction for another), but I didn't eat the whole bag so I'm not beating myself up over that. I even tried to order the "cheese and fruit" plate when I hit the local Starbucks for a decaf coffee drink, but I was smacked down. No fruit and cheese platters left. Is that because they only make them for breakfast and it was 3pm or is it because I live in the middle of the heartland and meat is more prevalent than fruit trees? Needless to say, if I had paid the almost $6 for the cheese and fruit plate I would have felt better (than the toffee brownie I got instead-it didn't even taste very good), but XY would have made some snarky comment about the price if he were around. (The main reason I stopped ordering the "fruit plate" from McDonald's when he is with me.) But although I wanted toast for breakfast I resisted. I know it's only day 1, but it's a start.

In other depressing news, I just found out that my best friend's sister is having another baby (happy for her, sad for me). I also dropped off a baby gift for a co-worker today and I found out one of my best assistants is probably leaving her position with me to work in another office for one of my co-workers. [Not because of me, but because she hates our supervisor at this office branch.] It just reaffirms all the thoughts I've had lately about how my job hasn't fulfilled me in years and probably contributes to my unhappiness at times which of course goes hand in hand with the overeating. I really do need to dust off the information I have on the PhD program I want to enter and figure out how to change my life for the better. Is it crazy to want to still bring a child into all this? Is the fact that I'm trying to have a child a positive step or are the repeated IUI failures just a reinforcement of how disappointing my life can be? Still trying though...

Here's The Plan

The challenge: lose a whole bunch of weight
The goal: lose a whole bunch of weight AND GET PREGNANT!
The health issues: Hypothyroidism, Insulin Resistance/Type 2 Diabetes, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, INFERTILITY!
The road blocks: too much food, not enough exercise

The Plan:

1. Increase my exercise level.
2. Overhaul the way I eat.
3. Get pregnant, have a baby, enjoy life.

The plan seems simple. The plan is hard. No matter how many times I've tried to lose weight, to deal with my emotions, to not eat when I'm upset, angry, emotional-I just never seem to follow through.

Is there hope?

Here's the good news (and the bad):

Exercise: yoga ( 1 1/2 years: 2 x a week), water aerobics (1-2 x a week for the past month)-a treadmill that I bought a year ago, that has been gathering dust for almost a year (but at least I bought it)

Nutrition: Horrid but at least I'm willing to admit that. I do like nutritious food, but I get so stressed out and busy with work that over the last several years I've gone from being a pretty good cook to being an even better junk food junkie. With the Type 2 Diabetes, I have learned the difference between things like "a glass of orange juice" verses "an orange". Unfortunately I have many times when I know that something is not good for my blood sugar but I eat it anyway. I also tend to be a closet eater.

Getting Pregnant: We haven't used birth control in almost 8 years. Still not pregnant. Too much weight-two much estrogen. Not ovulating properly. At least I finally stopped listening to the GP who wasn't doing any follow up, went to the OB/GYN and finally got referred to an RE. I've been seeing her for almost 2 years now-no luck yet, but at least I haven't been told that getting pregnant is an impossibility. Well, not yet anyway.

That's where it's at for now. Isn't that enough?

Wake Up Call-Part Deux

I didn't mean to take so long for another post, but life happens. I finally got in to the GP and she thinks I have costal chondritis (an inflammation/tear of the chest wall). Yippee for me-NOT! I had it once before, but it's not fun. It DEFINITELY makes you feel like you are having a heart attack and it takes awhile for it to heal and in the meantime did I mention the pain that just enforces the feelings of angst and worry? I was feeling better on Sunday, but then I did a yoga class on Monday (which felt great), but I think I pulled the muscle again-because the pain is back baby! Not as bad, but annoying, especially the feeling like I can't breathe and the constant yawning to try to catch my breath. Do I sound like a whiner? I feel like a whiner and I hate that feeling!

So, I went on a mini-break to New York and Kingston, Ontario (Canada) this past weekend. It was really nice-relaxing. I love Canada! It was fun to do some shopping and sightseeing in a more culture friendly setting. It was nice to get away from the stress of work. I wish I could learn to separate my personal life from my job and wash out the stress. We stayed near the St. Lawrence River. It was so peaceful being near a large body of water. Beautiful views, fresh air. The yoga class was in a building right on the river with wonderful views of the lake. I really enjoyed taking the class-the peace and beauty of it. Unfortunately I think it stressed my chest inflammation. What do they say, "an ounce of prevention=a pound of cure".

And then it was time to come home to work and stress and anxiety. Rested but not cured. How do I know this...back to the old pattern of overeating. I was doing so well over the weekend, then I came home and right away the boredom and stress started creeping back in and out came the potato chips and fast food quick stops. Ugh...I hate that part of me. I know I should be better, but there is just something within me that goes right for the garbage foods when I'm not feeling well or 100% happy. It's like I have this secret desire buried deep inside me to just ruin my own life!

Where am I going with all this? Well, it's part of the reason I named this blog "my infertility triathlon". My goal is to conquer this blasted infertility and the simplest way I have been told by all my doctors to accomplish this is to "lose some weight." Easier said than done, but I'm not getting any younger so what other choice do I have? It's something I've wanted for a long time anyway, but I keep letting my deep dark self-destructive feelings get in the way of any progress. Well, it's time to face my personal demons; vanquish the all-devouring food beast and get into the exercise loving groove. How hard can it really be? (Ha ha-I've heard that one many times before.) Next up...part one of the plan.