It has been a busy time of the year for me at work and I feel rotten that I haven't been able to keep up with the blog as much as I would like right now. Things have been happening emotionally and personally with the infertility issues, but I'm also getting slammed at work and the fact that I can't access my personal e-mail accounts from work and really shouldn't be posting to blogs using work computers has severely limited my ability to post right now.
Thanksgiving was good, but everywhere I turn I'm hearing about babies and people with infertility success stories. I should be thankful for my health and my husband but right now I just feel rotten that my infertility story is not yet a success.
Please keep reading (if anyone out there is reading this), I promise I will post a longer blog note later in the week. I have things to say about my last contact with the RE's office, other infertility blogs, how the exercise is going, and what my hopes/plans are for next year on the infertility front. It's just been a bit busy with work around here lately and some issues concerning family members that have really kept me from the computer.
Honestly more will come soon....
Monday, November 26, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tricking & Treating for IVF
CD-20
TT=47 1/2 min
TM=2 mi
TTM=7.905 mi
Alias
Episode=S1E3"Parity"
Happy Halloween Everyone! I totally love Halloween. I love watching all the kids dress up in their costumes (most cute...but why do parents let their 8 year olds dress up as horror characters with the drippy blood...ewww "lost innocence") and come to the door for candy. It's the one time of the year I try not to feel guilty about feeding kids sugar and making them super hyperactive.
I (of course) bought way too much candy. We only got about 25 kids ringing the doorbell, so we ended up giving each kid three pieces of candy and still had some left over! Should I feel guilty that we didn't put the reese's peanut butter cups into the dish until the end (so there are A LOT of them left)?
The most ingenious costume, a girl dress up 1/2 as a devil and 1/2 as an angel. The cutest costume, a brother and sister dressed up as super girl and super man/boy. Halloween is a night where even if you don't have kids you can still be happy for all the children out there enjoying being kids!
As for me, I dressed up as an infertile haus frau for the holiday. (It wasn't a hard costume to make...I've had years of practice!) Next year I'd like to go as a "Mommy" but that would involve a lot of fertility drugs and medical procedures to happen.
On that note, I'm off to eat a lot of left over Halloween candy...pass me a reese's peanut butter cup will ya?!
TT=47 1/2 min
TM=2 mi
TTM=7.905 mi
Alias
Episode=S1E3"Parity"
Happy Halloween Everyone! I totally love Halloween. I love watching all the kids dress up in their costumes (most cute...but why do parents let their 8 year olds dress up as horror characters with the drippy blood...ewww "lost innocence") and come to the door for candy. It's the one time of the year I try not to feel guilty about feeding kids sugar and making them super hyperactive.
I (of course) bought way too much candy. We only got about 25 kids ringing the doorbell, so we ended up giving each kid three pieces of candy and still had some left over! Should I feel guilty that we didn't put the reese's peanut butter cups into the dish until the end (so there are A LOT of them left)?
The most ingenious costume, a girl dress up 1/2 as a devil and 1/2 as an angel. The cutest costume, a brother and sister dressed up as super girl and super man/boy. Halloween is a night where even if you don't have kids you can still be happy for all the children out there enjoying being kids!
As for me, I dressed up as an infertile haus frau for the holiday. (It wasn't a hard costume to make...I've had years of practice!) Next year I'd like to go as a "Mommy" but that would involve a lot of fertility drugs and medical procedures to happen.
On that note, I'm off to eat a lot of left over Halloween candy...pass me a reese's peanut butter cup will ya?!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Sydney Bristow (aka Jennifer Garner) is My Hero!
CD-13
TT(Treadmill Time)=2 hr 24 min
TM (Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi
TTM (Total Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi
AliasEpisode=S1E1 "Truth Be Told" & S1E2 "So It Begins"
(S1E#=Season 1, Episode #)
I have a treadmill. It gathers a lot of dust. I bought it almost two years ago after my father passed away. It was supposed to be a symbol of a new life, a change in attitude. I was going to turn over a new leaf and become a lover of exercise, a new thinner, happier, healthier me. The dust is probably an inch thick by now and I am not a single pound lighter, but I have a plan.
I love the TV show "Alias". I have all five seasons on DVD and I've made a pact with myself. I'm going to re-watch every episode from start to finish, but I can't watch them unless I'm doing it while I walk/run on the treadmill. Sure Jennifer Garner didn't seem to have any problems conceiving her daughter, Violet, but she definitely seems to be a parent who likes the outdoors and getting exercise. Plus, the character she played on "Alias" (Sydney Bristow) could definitely kick ass against the bad guys and was always knee deep in exercise and action. I can't think of a better role model for trying to get my PCOS, overweight body in gear and try to embrace exercise, lose some weight, and hopefully make my body more fertility friendly.
The goal is to try to watch several episodes a week (although one a day would be perfect) while I'm walking on the treadmill. Each episode is about 45 minutes long (without commercials) and I think that's a good goal, especially if I work up to an episode a day. It's certainly more than I have been doing.
I started this past Sunday and watched most of the pilot (which was longer than an average episode). I ended up walking for 50 minutes and watching about 2/3rds of "Truth Be Told". Monday was super busy and I was a bit tired from the day before, but Tuesday morning I got up early for me (5:30am) and watched the rest of the pilot and then that evening I watched episode 2 (So It Begins) for a total daily time of 92 minutes. I've started off with zero incline and about a 2.5 mile speed/pace. I'm hoping to increase the incline by 1 degree each month and increase my speed by 1/2 a mile each month until I reach a 5 mile pace or have gone from walking for at least 1/2 hour to jog/running for at least 1/2 hour each session. (I can walk the rest of the episode time as a warm up/cool down period).
I think I'm off to a good start and I really think the whole "can't watch an episode of 'Alias' unless I do it while on the treadmill" will be a good motivator to get me started on the road to enjoying exercise. So stay tuned for further updates!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Robbing a Bank for Sperm
CD-0.5 (sort of started spotting yesterday and today, but no "full" day yet)
Weight-thank goodness, I have an excuse not to know...no scale to weight myself available.
Pull up the getaway car...I'm not getting any younger, no time ever seems like a good-time (i.e. debt free and able to pull 12K out of a savings account)...it's time to rob my security nets.
I think I've almost gotten used to the idea that I am a failure at conceiving naturally and I am "again" not getting any younger. The only way I'm doing this is IVF with ICSI (praying it will work and not all be one horrible waste of money and time and emotions). So, I think I'm at the point where I can actually make the call to close out an old retirement account I have from a previous job, close out a bank account that was my dad's before he passed away and pool every last darn bit of loose change from the couch cushions and get this thing done. I've begun dreading the next phone call from the RE's office when they ask if I want to do the IVF in November, basically if I have the money. I'm thinking it's time for me to be proactive and pull the funds, make the plan, and contact them before they call me and I go into "panic" mode again.
On that note, I want to say "Thank You" to Pamplemousse for inspiring me. If she can once again get on a 15 hour flight to try to make her dreams come true, then who am I to get an anxiety attack about closing out a couple of bank accounts and scrabbling around for enough money to even try this once? Please, please, please if any of you are out there reading this, send as many positive thoughts to Pamplemousse tomorrow as you can!
Weight-thank goodness, I have an excuse not to know...no scale to weight myself available.
Pull up the getaway car...I'm not getting any younger, no time ever seems like a good-time (i.e. debt free and able to pull 12K out of a savings account)...it's time to rob my security nets.
I think I've almost gotten used to the idea that I am a failure at conceiving naturally and I am "again" not getting any younger. The only way I'm doing this is IVF with ICSI (praying it will work and not all be one horrible waste of money and time and emotions). So, I think I'm at the point where I can actually make the call to close out an old retirement account I have from a previous job, close out a bank account that was my dad's before he passed away and pool every last darn bit of loose change from the couch cushions and get this thing done. I've begun dreading the next phone call from the RE's office when they ask if I want to do the IVF in November, basically if I have the money. I'm thinking it's time for me to be proactive and pull the funds, make the plan, and contact them before they call me and I go into "panic" mode again.
On that note, I want to say "Thank You" to Pamplemousse for inspiring me. If she can once again get on a 15 hour flight to try to make her dreams come true, then who am I to get an anxiety attack about closing out a couple of bank accounts and scrabbling around for enough money to even try this once? Please, please, please if any of you are out there reading this, send as many positive thoughts to Pamplemousse tomorrow as you can!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Survey Says...
I rushed home from work tonight to watch "Ugly Betty" and "Grey's Anatomy" and sitting among the new mail on the table was a letter from my RE's office. Nervously, I opened it. Would it be a letter asking me when we would pay for and get IVF#1 scheduled? Instead it was a custom service survey asking me to rate my RE's office, the doctors, the staff, the experience I've had so far.
Four failed IUI attempts all using the same drug regimen, no other options offered, go directly to IVF with ICSI. Is my satisfaction guaranteed?
I put the survey down, backed away from the table, turned to "Grey's Anatomy" for some comfort viewing and decided to give myself 24 hours before I fill out the survey and drop it in the mail.
Four failed IUI attempts all using the same drug regimen, no other options offered, go directly to IVF with ICSI. Is my satisfaction guaranteed?
I put the survey down, backed away from the table, turned to "Grey's Anatomy" for some comfort viewing and decided to give myself 24 hours before I fill out the survey and drop it in the mail.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Bummed Out and Broke
I've wanted to post-really. It's just that ever since the RE said we were done with IUI and the next step was IVF, I've been feeling like a failure. Okay, I've felt like a failure in the reproductive department longer than that, but add on the cost of doing this business and I am scared that we will scrap up the money for IVF#1 and it will end up being a bust. I know, I know...think positively, but it's hard.
Neither XY's or my insurance plans covers IVF, so we are trying to figure out where to scrap up the money for the procedure. I've been dragging my feet on closing out a retirement account from a previous job that I haven't even put any money into for about 7 years, (Coincidentally, right when we started trying to have a baby). Over time the interest has rolled itself over and now the account would cover about 2/3rd's the cost of IVF. Luckily my insurance should cover the cost of the fertility drugs (since it did for the IUIs).
That account has been my fall back emergency fund (at least in my mind). XY is not the financial planner and so I'm the one constantly worrying about the bills, the credit cards, the mortgage, car loan, doctor's bills, and the savings account that is constantly getting depleted for emergency items (like car tires or Grey's Anatomy Season 3 on DVD).
So, it's been a month of brooding and worrying and putting off the inevitable. I can't shake the feeling that IVF#1 will be like jumping off a diving board with your eyes closed and not knowing if you are going to land in nice, cool blue water or hit rock, hard concrete. This is where I picture the scheduling nurse from my RE's office calling up and leaving a message on the machine telling me "you'll never know until you try, but don't forget payment in full is required before you take the plunge!"
The only good thing about this month has been a much anticipated arrival in the community of infertility blogs. Mazel tov to Thalia on the arrival of POB!
Neither XY's or my insurance plans covers IVF, so we are trying to figure out where to scrap up the money for the procedure. I've been dragging my feet on closing out a retirement account from a previous job that I haven't even put any money into for about 7 years, (Coincidentally, right when we started trying to have a baby). Over time the interest has rolled itself over and now the account would cover about 2/3rd's the cost of IVF. Luckily my insurance should cover the cost of the fertility drugs (since it did for the IUIs).
That account has been my fall back emergency fund (at least in my mind). XY is not the financial planner and so I'm the one constantly worrying about the bills, the credit cards, the mortgage, car loan, doctor's bills, and the savings account that is constantly getting depleted for emergency items (like car tires or Grey's Anatomy Season 3 on DVD).
So, it's been a month of brooding and worrying and putting off the inevitable. I can't shake the feeling that IVF#1 will be like jumping off a diving board with your eyes closed and not knowing if you are going to land in nice, cool blue water or hit rock, hard concrete. This is where I picture the scheduling nurse from my RE's office calling up and leaving a message on the machine telling me "you'll never know until you try, but don't forget payment in full is required before you take the plunge!"
The only good thing about this month has been a much anticipated arrival in the community of infertility blogs. Mazel tov to Thalia on the arrival of POB!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The Starting Line
My Stats
CD-15
Weight-259 lb
Do you ever feel like you are constantly starting a project but never finishing it? I sometimes feel like Sisyphus. (The guy in mythology who constantly had to roll a rock up a hill.)
I feel like I keep starting a goal to lose weight and be healthier so that I can get pregnant and then it stalls. I know a lot of the time it is subconscious depression about two years of infertility treatments and no baby yet. (If I realize that does it make it subconscious?) I know that hearing my RE say after four attempts at IUI with fertility drugs that the next step was IVF (which we don't really have the money for right now) was a disappointment. I know that having to tell the RE's office that we can't do IVF#1 in September because we don't have the money to pay for it by then felt like a mountain was sitting on my chest. What I don't know is why with all these set backs, I still don't have the will power to see the goal of losing weight for not only my health, but also for a better chance at a viable pregnancy and stick with eating healthy, exercising, and taking my medications properly?
And so, I start again. It is almost September 1st. The company is out of the house. There are no "major" detractors (like the holidays or family stress) to get in my way. It is an optimal time to start fresh. This being the last week of August and my part crazy, part depressing infertility abounds summer, I have one week to get my s*!% together and get started on (and stick to) a new game plan.
Stay tuned!
CD-15
Weight-259 lb
Do you ever feel like you are constantly starting a project but never finishing it? I sometimes feel like Sisyphus. (The guy in mythology who constantly had to roll a rock up a hill.)
I feel like I keep starting a goal to lose weight and be healthier so that I can get pregnant and then it stalls. I know a lot of the time it is subconscious depression about two years of infertility treatments and no baby yet. (If I realize that does it make it subconscious?) I know that hearing my RE say after four attempts at IUI with fertility drugs that the next step was IVF (which we don't really have the money for right now) was a disappointment. I know that having to tell the RE's office that we can't do IVF#1 in September because we don't have the money to pay for it by then felt like a mountain was sitting on my chest. What I don't know is why with all these set backs, I still don't have the will power to see the goal of losing weight for not only my health, but also for a better chance at a viable pregnancy and stick with eating healthy, exercising, and taking my medications properly?
And so, I start again. It is almost September 1st. The company is out of the house. There are no "major" detractors (like the holidays or family stress) to get in my way. It is an optimal time to start fresh. This being the last week of August and my part crazy, part depressing infertility abounds summer, I have one week to get my s*!% together and get started on (and stick to) a new game plan.
Stay tuned!
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