Sydney Bristow (aka Jennifer Garner) is My Hero!

CD-13
TT(Treadmill Time)=2 hr 24 min
TM (Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi
TTM (Total Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi

Alias

Episode=S1E1 "Truth Be Told" & S1E2 "So It Begins"
(S1E#=Season 1, Episode #)

I have a treadmill. It gathers a lot of dust. I bought it almost two years ago after my father passed away. It was supposed to be a symbol of a new life, a change in attitude. I was going to turn over a new leaf and become a lover of exercise, a new thinner, happier, healthier me. The dust is probably an inch thick by now and I am not a single pound lighter, but I have a plan.

I love the TV show "Alias". I have all five seasons on DVD and I've made a pact with myself. I'm going to re-watch every episode from start to finish, but I can't watch them unless I'm doing it while I walk/run on the treadmill. Sure Jennifer Garner didn't seem to have any problems conceiving her daughter, Violet, but she definitely seems to be a parent who likes the outdoors and getting exercise. Plus, the character she played on "Alias" (Sydney Bristow) could definitely kick ass against the bad guys and was always knee deep in exercise and action. I can't think of a better role model for trying to get my PCOS, overweight body in gear and try to embrace exercise, lose some weight, and hopefully make my body more fertility friendly.

The goal is to try to watch several episodes a week (although one a day would be perfect) while I'm walking on the treadmill. Each episode is about 45 minutes long (without commercials) and I think that's a good goal, especially if I work up to an episode a day. It's certainly more than I have been doing.

I started this past Sunday and watched most of the pilot (which was longer than an average episode). I ended up walking for 50 minutes and watching about 2/3rds of "Truth Be Told". Monday was super busy and I was a bit tired from the day before, but Tuesday morning I got up early for me (5:30am) and watched the rest of the pilot and then that evening I watched episode 2 (So It Begins) for a total daily time of 92 minutes. I've started off with zero incline and about a 2.5 mile speed/pace. I'm hoping to increase the incline by 1 degree each month and increase my speed by 1/2 a mile each month until I reach a 5 mile pace or have gone from walking for at least 1/2 hour to jog/running for at least 1/2 hour each session. (I can walk the rest of the episode time as a warm up/cool down period).

I think I'm off to a good start and I really think the whole "can't watch an episode of 'Alias' unless I do it while on the treadmill" will be a good motivator to get me started on the road to enjoying exercise. So stay tuned for further updates!

Survey Says...

I rushed home from work tonight to watch "Ugly Betty" and "Grey's Anatomy" and sitting among the new mail on the table was a letter from my RE's office. Nervously, I opened it. Would it be a letter asking me when we would pay for and get IVF#1 scheduled? Instead it was a custom service survey asking me to rate my RE's office, the doctors, the staff, the experience I've had so far.

Four failed IUI attempts all using the same drug regimen, no other options offered, go directly to IVF with ICSI. Is my satisfaction guaranteed?

I put the survey down, backed away from the table, turned to "Grey's Anatomy" for some comfort viewing and decided to give myself 24 hours before I fill out the survey and drop it in the mail.

Bummed Out and Broke

I've wanted to post-really. It's just that ever since the RE said we were done with IUI and the next step was IVF, I've been feeling like a failure. Okay, I've felt like a failure in the reproductive department longer than that, but add on the cost of doing this business and I am scared that we will scrap up the money for IVF#1 and it will end up being a bust. I know, I know...think positively, but it's hard.

Neither XY's or my insurance plans covers IVF, so we are trying to figure out where to scrap up the money for the procedure. I've been dragging my feet on closing out a retirement account from a previous job that I haven't even put any money into for about 7 years, (Coincidentally, right when we started trying to have a baby). Over time the interest has rolled itself over and now the account would cover about 2/3rd's the cost of IVF. Luckily my insurance should cover the cost of the fertility drugs (since it did for the IUIs).

That account has been my fall back emergency fund (at least in my mind). XY is not the financial planner and so I'm the one constantly worrying about the bills, the credit cards, the mortgage, car loan, doctor's bills, and the savings account that is constantly getting depleted for emergency items (like car tires or Grey's Anatomy Season 3 on DVD).

So, it's been a month of brooding and worrying and putting off the inevitable. I can't shake the feeling that IVF#1 will be like jumping off a diving board with your eyes closed and not knowing if you are going to land in nice, cool blue water or hit rock, hard concrete. This is where I picture the scheduling nurse from my RE's office calling up and leaving a message on the machine telling me "you'll never know until you try, but don't forget payment in full is required before you take the plunge!"

The only good thing about this month has been a much anticipated arrival in the community of infertility blogs. Mazel tov to Thalia on the arrival of POB!

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

My Stats

CD-22
Days since IUI#4-11

Days w/o Bread=26

I am trying not to panic. Went to the bathroom a couple of hours ago and had a tiny bit of light pink spotting. I'm not supposed to take my pregnancy test until Wednesday (three more days). I am hoping it is just implantation spotting, but I'm fearing the worst. It's a holiday weekend and I could try to call the RE's office, but it is a Sunday and tomorrow is Memorial Day so I really don't think that anything can be done, especially this early in the cycle. XY says I should just relax and monitor it. If there is still spotting tomorrow then call the RE's office. I know he's right. I mean what more can they do? I'm already taking progesterone suppositories twice a day.

It's been a nice weekend otherwise. Relaxing. I've rented several movies including the first two "Harry Potter" movies. I want to watch all four before the new (5th) movie comes out in July. So yesterday, XY and I went for a walk around the neighborhood (about 20 minutes, but nothing strenuous). So today they are having a carnival in the parking lot of the local library. In the ten years I've lived in this city, we have never gone. So XY and I walked over (about 10-15 minute walk), looked around, played a couple of overpriced games, and had some food. He had a small (gigantic) sno-cone and I ate a funnel cake. It's more pancake batter than bread so I don't really think it was cheating. I do think it made my blood sugar go all wonky though, because when we got back I totally collapsed in the bed for about a two or three hour nap. I don't know I was just exhausted. Then when I woke up, that's when I discovered the spotting.

I've gone on a few trusted infertility blogs/sites (Thalia's Fertility Journey, BrooklynGirl, IVF Connections, Fertility Friends) and I'm just hoping that the spotting is from implantation and not my period coming early or a failed implantation. Fingers crossed, I keep praying that everything is okay and I'm really trying not to pull out an HPT and check. (Since the last time I did that during an IUI cycle I got my hopes up and then when the actual day came I got a big fat negative and later learned that HCG can create a false positive if you test too early.)

As for my 28 day "no bread" products, I've holding at approximately 8 pounds lost. I had one day where I slipped and ate XY's left over chicken burrito (darn you tortilla shell), but other than that I haven't had any problems. I don't even really miss all that bread! There's hope for my carb loading eating habits yet.

In the meantime, I am going to try to stay positive and wait till Wednesday for my pregnancy test. I'm really hoping this spotting was an anomaly and that it won't happen again. If anyone out there feels like sending positive thoughts my way, they would be much appreciated. That's all you can do right? Try to stay positive.

Hugh Darling...Could You Pass Me That Shot of Ganirelix?

Stats

CD-8 (Sunday night)
Fertility Drugs-Follistim 225, Ganirelix 0.5 mL syringe (Sat & Sun nights)
Other Medications-Prenatal & Vitamin C, Synthroid, Metformin x2

Days w/o Bread=12

Well, three more days till IUI#4. I'm trying to stay positive, happy, and in the "this time it's going to work" mood. My meds have been upped from just Follistim 225 to Follistim 225 plus a syringe of Ganirelix .5 mL last night and tonight. A funny thing happened on the way to the injection site.

Last night, I promised my neighbor we would go see "Music and Lyrics" at the cheap theater. I had asked her if she wanted to go Friday, but that was a bust and we rescheduled for Saturday. Unfortunately I had a new desk delivered at 6:45am! Let me tell you right now, I am NOT a morning person. To make matters worse, I had a whopping case of insomnia the night before and didn't get to bed till almost 5:30am as it was. The closer it gets to summer, the more insomnia creeps into my life. Add that to the fact that I am totally worried about IUI try #4 and you have a recipe for a disastrously unproductive weekend. After the wonderful, new desk was delivered and set up, I trundled back to bed in zombie like fashion. Unfortunately my sweet XY decided to wake me up four hours later because he wanted me to eat something. ("Well you're Type II diabetic, I was worried about your blood sugar.") After having eaten something, I proceeded to get in a very snippy row with XY because he was loudly complaining about the dirty dishes in the sink (okay they were bad and the pile was high) while I was trying to go back to sleep. One clean sink of dishes later (of course that wasn't all of them) and one threat that he'd better not do the rest of them while I was sleeping (otherwise he should have just kept his mouth shut in the first place and let me sleep), I was back in coma land. Only to be woken up three hours later by the phone and the neighbor across the street wanting to know what time we were leaving for the movie. Not wanting to drag this out any further (even though I was totally worried about taking my fertility drugs on time) I told her 6:30pm and proceeded to drag myself out of bed and take a shower to wake up.

I did try to call the pharmacy in Massachusetts where my fertility drugs come from, but unfortunately they were already closed for the day. I then proceeded to try the previous pharmacy I got my drugs from in Texas (the one I really liked till my bastard insurance company switched preferred providers on me) but they were also closed. I finally called the local pharmacy and just asked them what date to go by, the weird "discard" date or the "expiration" date. They said expiration date, so I felt better that I would not be wasting any fertility drugs and took the gal on the phone's word for it.

Follistim AQ pen and Ganirelix Acetate prefilled syringe in my bag, I headed off to see the dishy Hugh Grant on the celluloid screen. The movie was pretty good for a chick flick. Brad Garrett's sidekick manager/friend character could have been funnier and Drew Barrymore's character could have been a little less neurotic, but Hugh was definitely dishy. They even threw in an obligatory naked chest scene. All the more reason to pay my $3 plus popcorn and diet pop to go see Hugh on the big scene. Of course, I did keep checking my watch to see if 9pm was fast approaching. (My shoot up time.) The credits were just rolling at 9pm and I didn't want to wait another 15-30 minutes to take my fertility shots at home, so I slipped into the bathroom to shoot up. There were three girls ahead of me, who gave me a "don't queue barge" look when I passed them to get to the sinks and wash my hands. By the time I had disinfected and pulled out the syringes the line was twice as long and I really didn't want to pull down my jeans, expose my jelly belly, and shoot up in front of a bunch of strangers so I got back in line. I felt I had to explain to the woman next to me why I was getting back in line when she looked at the case in my hand and proceeded to ask me if I hadn't already gone. So of course everyone else in line heard me say "well I have to take some meds and I'm sure no one wants to watch me stick a needle in myself." Great-but frankly I'll never see those people again, so who cares. I finally got in a stall and was giving myself the second injection when my neighbor popped in to check if I was okay. Explaining about the line of people and the prep time (okay it took me 20 minutes to do the whole thing) I exited the stall and proceeded to head out the door. Frankly I hate that my neighbor knows so much about my fertility stuff, since it's not like she's my best friend or anything, but somehow it is easier to just give her too much information when she asks questions than to try to fake the fact that I am going through all this. I guess I feel that if people ask, I'd rather tell them warts and all then try to spare them their "discomfort". Hey if you ask, I'm gonna tell. If you don't want to know, then don't ask.

So, that was last night. Today was much more productive (although never productive enough). I took the second set of Follistim and Ganirelix shots with little incident. (Okay the plunger on the Ganirelix almost came off, but I didn't panic and got it all injected in me so everything should be fine.) I've been a little crampy and gassy since then, but that's a small price to pay for the chance to get pregnant and have a baby.

Tomorrow, the trigger shot! [I have another meeting tomorrow night, but I am definitely leaving said meeting early if it looks like it will go past 8pm. There is NO WAY I am going to try to mix up an HCG shot of liquid with powder and change the long needle to a short needle in the bathroom of Red Lobster. Not if I can help it!]

P.S. XY and I did get in one bit of business this morning, so that is one less thing I have to worry about. You would think sex would be relaxing, but when the RE nurse is telling you a minimum of 2-3 days abstinence before the procedure, well I want it all to go off without a hitch and work and XY just feels the pressure to perform. It doesn't make for the most relaxing baby making. I'll just be happy once it's Wednesday afternoon and IUI#4 is done. Course, then there is the 2WW, but let's not put the cart before the horse just yet.

Triathlon Log-Day 1

My Stats

Cycle Day (CD)-?? Finishing RE ordered birth control pack, waiting for CD1 to start!
Height-5 ft 3 in
Weight-256 lb
BMI-44.3

Days w/o Bread-1

I've been really nervous about putting my statistics out on the web for all to see. I finally decided, "What's a better motivator than seeing the actual numbers?" Numbers are facts and the science geek in me keeps whispering, "You can't hide from the facts." Since this is my infertility triathlon, it made sense to keep a log and that's what this blog basically is; a log of my attempts to lose weight, exercise more, and overcome the infertility hurdle. Will I put up the stats every day? Doubtful. I don't think I can stand looking at my "weight" every day, but if people know my height and BMI, I think they can do the reverse mathematics involved to determine my current weight.

By the way, it's 5:03pm, I am officially blowing off yoga tonight. Don't get me wrong, I love yoga, but it starts in 17 minutes, so unless I leave right now, it's just not going to happen. I've had yesterday and today off from work so I could take a break, relax, work on cleaning out my home office. Status report: I've been reading parts of "The Sisters Grimm: The Fairytale Detectives" and "Carpe Demon: Adventures of a Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom" and I've got to say it's a bit more relaxing then sorting piles of paper junk. Meanwhile I've watched a little TV [House] and shoveled most of the paper junk off the office floor onto my bed. (Where else should I put it? It's got to go out of the room to be sorted or the room will never get cleaned.) AND, I go back to work tomorrow, so either I go to yoga and feel guilty that when I get home the piles on the bed will still be there and the checkbook will still not be balanced (or bills paid) or I blow off yoga and as soon as I'm done posting this, I go back to work on the office and the paper stacks.

The newly motivated fitness side of me says "go to yoga", but the old, I don't feel like exercising and there are too many distractions, chores, TV programs to watch instead side of me wins out.

On another note, today is Day 1 of "NO BREAD" and so far it's been good. I did eat some chips (swap one addiction for another), but I didn't eat the whole bag so I'm not beating myself up over that. I even tried to order the "cheese and fruit" plate when I hit the local Starbucks for a decaf coffee drink, but I was smacked down. No fruit and cheese platters left. Is that because they only make them for breakfast and it was 3pm or is it because I live in the middle of the heartland and meat is more prevalent than fruit trees? Needless to say, if I had paid the almost $6 for the cheese and fruit plate I would have felt better (than the toffee brownie I got instead-it didn't even taste very good), but XY would have made some snarky comment about the price if he were around. (The main reason I stopped ordering the "fruit plate" from McDonald's when he is with me.) But although I wanted toast for breakfast I resisted. I know it's only day 1, but it's a start.

In other depressing news, I just found out that my best friend's sister is having another baby (happy for her, sad for me). I also dropped off a baby gift for a co-worker today and I found out one of my best assistants is probably leaving her position with me to work in another office for one of my co-workers. [Not because of me, but because she hates our supervisor at this office branch.] It just reaffirms all the thoughts I've had lately about how my job hasn't fulfilled me in years and probably contributes to my unhappiness at times which of course goes hand in hand with the overeating. I really do need to dust off the information I have on the PhD program I want to enter and figure out how to change my life for the better. Is it crazy to want to still bring a child into all this? Is the fact that I'm trying to have a child a positive step or are the repeated IUI failures just a reinforcement of how disappointing my life can be? Still trying though...

28 Days

With the XY factor out of town for the week on business, I am trying to make the most of some "alone" time. I love watching movies, but because of "the job" I really haven't had much time for renting/going to the movies lately. I've supplemented over the last few months by getting as gifts/purchasing Season 3-5 of "Angel", Season 1&2 of "Once & Again", and seasons 2-4 of "Alias", and Season 2 of "Numb3rs". Along with a bunch of Agatha Christie "Hercule Poirot" movies and Season 1 of "Hetty Wainthropp Investigates". So, technically I haven't had to go through "entertainment on the celluloid screen" withdrawal.

I am however taking advantage of XY's absence and so I rented 6 movies to watch over the next week while I am working on house projects. The first one I watched was "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock & Viggo Mortensen. It's basically about this mixed-up writer who is addicted to drugs and alcohol and ends up having to do a stint in rehab after she drunkenly leaves her sister's wedding and drives the limo into someones house. Definitely a chick movie, but not as "feel good" as you would think. No girl cleans up act and ends up in the arms of the perfect man ending. Anyway, it got me thinking about addiction and recovery including the different types of addiction.

Can an infertile become too "addicted" to trying to conceive? Not necessarily addicted to the fertility drugs themselves, but addicted to the process and the rush of hope that goes with it. (As someone who has given themselves multiple injections daily and still not gotten pregnant I just can't see anyone getting addicted to Follistem, Ganirellex, or any other fertility drug.) I think that "hope" and "desire" can be very addicting. Anyone who's felt the effects of adrenalin and serotonin might agree.

I wouldn't say I'm "addicted" to infertility treatments (disappointed-YES, still trying-YES, loving it-NO) but getting back to that "weighty" issue I know that I am definitely some type of food addict. Not anorexic or bulimic, but definitely a compulsive/comfort eater. Stress me out and I go for the food. Feeling sad, feeling blue where's that sundae, chocolate bar, box of french fries, bag of potato chips? The entire binge eating issue is not for today's post. We'll leave it for another time, but after watching "28 Days" I am inspired to try something.

One of my worst food offenders is bread. It's not even my go to food, but it lurks in the background, waiting for me to notice it. One piece is never enough and unless it's for a sandwich it is usually accompanied by it's evil sidekick-"Butter Boy". (Clogger of arteries and willing servant of my arch nemesis-Mr. Obesity!) So, as part of my "race to regain my fertility" I am hereby declaring a BAN on all bread products for the next 28 days. It's my simple carb in the form of bread rehab stint. Starting tomorrow (May 2ND) I will not eat any bread (toast, sandwich bread, rolls, croissants [mmmm croissants], crackers, croutons, pita pockets, tortillas, or bagels [mmm bagels]) for 28 days. My only thoughts are while I don't think that pancakes or waffles (which I hardly eat anyway) would be considered "a type of bread", I unfortunately fear that I am going to have to classify "muffins" as bread. Especially since you can slice them open and slather them with "Butter Boy". (We've all heard of English Muffins haven't we and those are definitely bread in my book.) So wish me luck! I'll keep you all updated with my progress (like an inmate marking off time served on the jail cell wall). Now I just have to think up some kind of mantra for those tempting times. How's this..."NO Bread on the Lips, Less Weight on the Thighs or Hips....Go Fertility!"

Wake Up Call???

Sorry it took so long to post again. I have not been feeling good all week. Ever since that event on Friday and subsequent trip to the hospital on Saturday, I just haven't been myself. I've had aches and pains in my arm, back, and chest. My throat has felt tight. I've had some episodes of lightheadedness. I did make an appointment with my regular GP for tomorrow. I'm leaving for a weekend trip to NY on Friday and I want a little peace of mind before I go. I know, why wait so long, but that was the earliest I could get in with my work schedule and my GP's work schedule.

Maybe I pulled a muscle doing yoga last week? (I've had bones clicking and that could cause nerve stuff right?) I hate that I sound so paranoid. My significant other carefully broached the subject of "depression" as a possible cause. [My family has a history of depression.] I'm not ruling it out as a cause-wouldn't you be depressed if you wanted a baby and were going through infertility treatments that still are not working!? (I have no idea if there are any anti-depressants that I could take while doing infertility treatments. I don't want to mess this up or have my RE think I'm not a good candidate to work with anymore.) One minute I feel better, the next worse and each day this week it's been different/mixed symptoms. I'm just hoping it isn't anything so serious that I have to cancel my girls' weekend with one of my oldest and closest friends! That would total bum me out!

I have been looking forward to this trip/break for awhile. I need to get away from the stress of my job. I'm coming up on a critical time in the office and having a mini-break before should help center me for the big projects coming up over the next several weeks. The only thing I am a bit nervous about is my cycle. I should be coming up on a new cycle and if it doesn't start until the weekend, then I don't know how this month will play out. I really won't have time (and will be a bundle of nerves) in May because of all these work project deadlines. So April is my big hope for another round of fertility drugs. My only hope is that because it is Easter weekend my RE will be busy with the holidays so if I can't get in till Tuesday (even if it isn't Cycle Day 1) things will still be okay. I could go on in-depth about work insurance for IUI/IVF versus no work but more time for GP appointments, but "Medium" is coming on and it is one of my favorite show. Plus I have to work on packing for my trip, instead of waiting till the last minute like I usually do. Next post hopefully a bit more explanation on why I chose "My Infertility Triathlon" for my blog name. Oops..."Medium" is starting!

PANIC ATTACK!!!!

Well, yesterday went downhill fast. If there's one thing an infertile doesn't need when trying to conceive it's stress or worse a panic attack. The day was going okay, not great, but okay. I am the first to admit I am not a morning person. So, I got to work and was easing into the day. I finally was getting into a routine and suddenly half the day was gone. I decided to grab lunch with a co-worker and that was my big mistake. I am definitely a "hate to lose control of the situation" person. Little did I know that not only would I not be driving to the fast food joint, but we were being joined by other co-workers (I barely know) who would be doing the driving. What I thought would be a quick 1/2 hour lunch turned into a 1+ hour lunch with me going into full panic/anxiety attack mode because my carefully scheduled work plans for the afternoon were rapidly disintegrating. I was trapped. I couldn't leave. I kept surreptitiously looking at my watch and was trying to control the rising panic that I would be late for a scheduled meeting. My mind was racing with freaked out thoughts and all I could do was smile politely and try to act like I wasn't about to scream with frustration! When we got back, I ended up going to the bathroom to sit in a stall to close my eyes, repeat the mantra "Om, shanti, shanti, shanti" (Om, peace, peace, peace) and try to do some rhythmic breathing to calm down and stop the massive panic anxiety attack I was having. It helped some and I worked through the 1 1/2 hour meeting and the rest of the afternoon. I went home and watched a movie (Babel) that I needed to return soon, but it didn't help. By the time bedtime arrived the panic/anxiety attack was in full mode with chest pains, tingling, heartburn, etc. It was a bad night and in the morning (even after getting a little sleep) I still felt horrible with chest pains so I caved in and had my guy call the doctor's office (on a Saturday no less) and next thing I know they are telling me to go straight to the hospital. [Apparently chest pains = do not stop, do not pass go, go directly to ER.] They were nice at the hospital, but after 3 hours, an EKG, some blood work, and a shot of some kind of acid reflux medication, I was informed by the nice Intern that yes, it was an anxiety attack, not a heart attack and would I like a script for either anti-depression medication or an anti-anxiety medication? I chose the later after she assured me it wouldn't be harmful to a pregnancy/fetus and that I only needed to take it when I was having another anxiety attack. On the way home, after grabbing a VERY late breakfast/lunch/dinner rolled into one my guy was too tired to hit the drugstore and the pain was less, so I will be filling the script tomorrow. (Hopefully not to use it but just in case.) Even though we didn't do an IUI this month because I had a cyst (3.1 cm/right side)-we had a boatload of sex to try for a natural PG. After all this stress, I'm thinking the chance of anything sticking if it did actually work is probably nil by now. I'll still check next week with an HPT, but who am I kidding? Stress is an MF when it comes to living my life, let alone getting pregnant.