Trying to Move Forward

Tweeting and Pinning are the new blogging, but sometimes a dog doesn't want a shiny new squeak toy, sometimes a dog just wants a comfy old bone and in this case that's my blog. I try to embrace twitter and pinterest, but I feel guilty letting the blog languish so long. It's like saying I'm giving up on ever having kids, even if I know it probably won't happen, I just don't want to give up that final kernal of hope. So, I've decided rather than start a new blog (I like actual writing, not necessarily just spouting off one or two word sound bites) I will continue on with this one as a place to work on my goals (still many the same before the whole race for baby and IVF), still discuss my baby/infertility feelings, and continue to write down my thoughts and ideas someplace "semi" anonymous. So, hopefully if I make a point once a week (at first or at least) to write a post, that's one goal that I'll be happy to be working on. I guess part of it too is feeling sad that other infertility bloggers I read seem to have disappeared off the map...stopped journaling their hard and tiring journeys or maybe success was had by all and then they got busy with kids and life and I get that, I truly do just from dealing with my "non-internet" friends with kids, but sometimes I feel sad that I never got closure or no longer get to live vicariously through their triumphs in childrearing, but that's okay--at some point I think everyone tries to reinvent themselves, moves on, or maybe even just fades away....so I guess right now, I'm not ready to move on or fade away, so instead I will try to reinvent myself a bit, but keep the same blog name, just share a bit more than the infertility sadness, and see if along the way I can really come to terms that I missed one of the best opportunities a woman can have (if she wants) but that I should try to keep on trying and while it does partially define me, I shouldn't let it break me.

FSHing around

Yesterday, I found myself doing two things I wouldn't normally do...one was grocery shopping at Walmart. It's not generally my favorite place to shop but it was convenient and I kept telling myself cheaper than the local grocery store so just bite the bullet and get the shopping done. So, while I was there I ended up in the tucked away feminine hygiene aisle along with the jellies, birth control products, the absolutely overwhelming variety of napkins and liners and tucked in among the pregnancy tests was a lone box screaming "Fertility test NOT Ovulation test". It was a single test (take it on day 3 of cycle) along with the ever optimistic pregnancy test (works up to 6 days after you miss your cycle). And all I could think was if you take the fertility test and it comes up with a bad result--why would you want the reminder of the pregnancy test with it's empty promises of positiveness (one assumes if it comes WITH the fertility test than people are praying it says "yes" you are pregnant vs. the 15 year old teenager with the regular box of 2 pregnancy tests praying they both come out saying "no" not pregnant-next time use better birth control.) So, what did I do--at the ripe old age of 42 with 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs resulting in miscarriages and a suspicion that over the years I've had plenty of unofficial miscarriages, a husband who rarely has relations with me anymore, no money for continued IVF attempts and a doctor who probably wouldn't try for it anyway? Yup, I reached for that box and paid the almost $30 so that if I can actually figure out when my period will start (since it's not really regular) I can try to self diagnose my FSH with an over the counter fertility test rather than believe the REs who tell me I have PCOS and eggs that don't want to mature. It's as simple as that, I'm stupid and want to believe in miracles, because I can't really figure out how to accept that I don't have kids yet, I can't convince my husband to adopt, and barring a miracle I will probably die a bitter old maid who regrets never having children of my own (biologically or adoptively). And yet, that's why advertising companies make millions on the hopes and dreams of women like me.

New Addition

No, I'm not pregnant (darn) and we are not fostering (darn) and I haven't adopted (darn)but....my 21 year old nephew is now living with us! 15 years of marriage and no kids and suddenly I am living with a 51 year old husband (yes, my husband is 10 years older than me and set in his ways thus part of the frustration with not adopting or fostering--can't convince him it would be awesome for us, not that he wouldn't, but he's not that motivated when it comes to anything too difficult, like I said set in his ways) and now I have a 21 year old man/boy living here too. Trying to find a balance--I'm just the aunt, not the mom (my sister/his mom passed away 8 years ago) but he needs guidance and support so that's my story. It's new, it's different, it's only been a week! I know I like having a "kid" (or at least another person) in the house, but we'll see how it goes and hopefully I can give the boy some much needed love and guidance as we try to get him into community college and working towards some kind of degree/career so he has some direction in life. I'll keep you posted with updates!
P.S. For you crafters/knitters out there I added a new button for "Craftlit" a cool podcast/website that talks about crafting/knitting and she reads from classic works of literature...up this month for Halloween..."Dracula"...it's fun to listen to..try it!

Good for Jennifer Garner

Let's see-

-I'm happy that Jennifer Garner is having another baby (she's one of my favorite earth mama type moms).

-I'm sad I still don't have any children of my own.

-I'm frustrated that my husband knows I want children, but doesn't really talk about fostering or adoption at all (rare occassion, for about 5 minutes, then it's like it never came up)

-I'm tired of everyone around me having babies or toddlers or tween/teenagers.

-I hate having health issues (Diabetes Type 2, PCOS/Infertility, now blood pressure/heart issues)...I know I know...then why want kids with all the health issues, but I do, I still want kids.

That's it--it's been an anxious, stressful weekend and I need to concentrate on losing weight and losing some of this anxiety/stress.

Enough for now, I really don't know what to say when you have an infertility blog, but can't afford IVF and have a husband who doesn't really want to adopt/foster--at least he's not jumping up to do it....what else can I say on a blog about infertility when I feel like I'm just stagnating. Any suggestions out there?

Limbo

I'm still here, but I'm not sure what to say. It's been almost a year since the 2nd IVF attempt and the 2nd miscarriage. I've been pretty lost and somedays I think just move on and your getting better, then someone asks me if I'm going to keep trying or try IVF again or are we going to foster or are we going to adopt and everytime I respond, I feel like a failure...I don't know, it costs money we don't have, my insurance doesn't cover, the doctors moved on to the next patient with money or better insurance coverage, life is busy, my job is stressful, I am not sure if I want to stay with my husband, what if my ambivalence at my marriage made me lose the babies, what if I screwed up, what if I exercised too much, what if I am too fat and if I just lost more weight I would get pregnant, what if, what if, what if....all I know is that I'm not happy about some things and yet I like other things I have in my life that I didn't before all this....and through it all I know that people are selfish (myself included probably) and I at least understand why whatever higher power is in this universe made the female of the species the baby carrier, the nurturer, the mother, but what a cruel twist if you are the female species and want to get pregnant and can't....then what is the point? And if there is another point, how do you figure out what it is?
.....in the meantime I still read the blogs, though most of the people I read have gone through the struggle and come out triumphant, I need to find some new blogs of people who are still struggling or people who accepted defeat gracefully and can guide me to feeling okay about life without children, so if anyone out there is reading this and knows some good blogs for me to follow of fellow first time strugglers or people who have gracefully moved on with life sans kids, please let me know....I need some support I guess and in the meantime I do have things to say, I just don't know how to say them without judgement....but I am still here, just here is "limbo".

Absolutely Honored

I am a devoted follower of Thalia even if I don't make a lot of comment posts. I find her brilliant and warm and absolutely honest about her infertility trials and tribulations and successes. She gives me hope, even if I've pretty much lost it now. It's like Meg Ryan says in You've Got Mail..."there is the dream of someone". I am now at that stage...all roads have failed, I would adopt in a heartbeat if my husband would even suggest he wanted to, instead of walking out of the room the minute I bring it up, I dream of a child someday with desperate longing and despair. Much has happened in the last year...many disappointments, IVF appointments, miscarriages, and I just haven't been able to write about it. But the other day I was at Thalia's website and saw a badge of honor...I finally made her list of blogs to check out. So I guess that it's time I get back on the horse and tell my story of the past year. Work is hectic this coming week, end of the year wrap up and reports, but after this week, I will come back and I will start to tell the tale..the good, the bad, and even among the shattered hopes and dreams, I still yearn for a child in my future even if deep inside I know that I will never be a winner.

Men, Marriage Counseling and Maybe some Hope

It has been a wild not so fun ride these past 6 months...I have totally lost focus on who I am and who I want to be. I finally realized I was depressed about my marriage and the baby not happening thing and well....I let myself be sidetracked by men who showed an interest when my husband did not. I'm going to be honest here and say "NO....I did not sleep with any one else" but I was flattered by the attention of other men who made me realize that I am not dead and that I do want a baby but a baby should not define me but I think it actually does or the lack of one does. Does that sound harsh? I am not trying to say a baby will make everything hunky dorrie but I am saying that it is actually quite important for me to have a child and continue to make a go at trying to have my own child. I want a child, I want my husband to want to have a child with me to be more engaged in our marriage and OUR family unit and his seeming apathy because he doesn't like to "plan" has worn thin these past several months and I have let myself be sidetracked, not a good thing but there I've said it and I've been using these past six months to really work on myself for me, not for him....is it working, not 100% but I think some progress has been made and I certainly have gained a friend and well more up soon on the trip to the new Reporductive Endocrinologist/Infertility Specialist but I just wanted to at least post some kind of blog because it has been so long....I definitely need some support...

Where Have I Been?....even i don't know

I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole. I haven't been updating this web site very much in the last few months and if I'm honest with myself it is because I have been depressed and confused all this past Autumn. Depressed about not having a child, about my marriage, and in turn that affects my life. I know I shouldn't put so much into my status as a non-mother, but it just makes me reevaluate all the other things in my life I could be doing and haven't or thinking that I am a failure at procreation, what other things have I wanted in life that I have failed at as well?

In turn I have been very angry at my husband for what seems to be his apathy at the baby making process/let's have a child whethere by birth or adoption, his apathy in my opinion towards our marriage and I just have gotten a bit overwhelmed at my feelings of loneliness and failure and have gotten sidetracked by the attention of others. Honestly....I know that sounds sad or pathetic, but a person needs validation from somewhere and I just haven't been getting it at all lately on any fronts. And so I have lost focus on the baby thing (well not really, just trying not to think about it as much while waiting to see my hopefully new infertility doctor in March), on my marriage, and on my goals in life. It's just all so lonely and hard feeling like you are alone in life even if your husband is living right there in the same house as you.

Does anyone else out there ever feel the same way? If so, what do you do to cope?

Getting to the "Make It or Break It" Line

So, I did a dance of joy yesterday morning when I got on the scale and was down another three pounds! That makes it a total of 28 pounds I've lost since the middle of August!

Usually I plateau at 30 pounds then end up backsliding. I've got two more pounds to go till I hit 30 pounds lost and I am going to do my damnest to break that 30 line and keep going.

I've been taking a spinning (exercise bike) class on Mondays, yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays and trying to treadmill on the "off" days. I haven't gotten much swimming in lately but I think I'm going to try to do that on the weekends with my work schedule the way it is unless something changes.

In the meantime though, I've signed up for a personal trainer! I have my first session today and I'm trying to schedule her for Wednesdays and Fridays which would give me at least five straight days of some form of organized exercise! I am nervous about it, but I know it is the right thing to do. I need to start weight training so I can firm everything up and I want some one to show me the "proper" form. I am worried I look horrible in front of all the "already thing" exercise junkies at the gym, but I keep telling myself that "Rome wasn't built in a day" (of course, I also try not to think about the fact that "Rome also burned down") and a little embarrassment is worth it if I get the results I want in the long run.

I keep telling myself that 38 is still young and that I should want to be fit, healthy, and try to look prettier for not only myself but others. I keep thinking that my new RE appointment is in March and that 28 pounds is no mean feet in two months and at this rate I could lose another 60 pounds by March if I keep it up and don't plateau too much. That would put me not back at the weight my BMI rating says I should be, but it would definitely give me a healthier BMI to show the doctor and the weight lost would make it easier for me to hopefully support IVF and hopefully make it "stick".

So, while a very nervous me grabs my gym togs to take to work today, I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. That I am shaking off this "no baby" depression and doing something positive for myself (even if I know I'll look like a cow this afternoon at the gym)!

"Mooving" right along towards a healthy me! I'll let you know how horrid it was tonight!

In Limbo

Sorry, it's been awhile since I posted. I meant to write more, but I've had a personal issue going on for about 1 1/2 months and it has been really distracting. I don't know what I am going to do, but it's something I really need to deal with just so I can move on and get back to concentrating on getting pregnant.

In the meantime, I have lost a total of 25 pounds since the end of August. That's pretty awesome for me! I am really starting to embrace the treadmill. I'm back to spinning class and yoga class and I am starting weight training with a personal trainer next week.

Even though my clothes are getting a lot baggier, I'm not going to buy any new pants until I have dropped at least 2 sizes, so that will take a little longer to achieve, but I don't want to get a bunch of new clothes, then gain the weight back, so I figure if I can go down 2 sizes, that will deserve some new pants for work!

So, I'm trying to keep up the exercise and watch what I eat. If I could just get down another 10 pounds I think I could get into some new pants!

I'll keep you posted!

Spinning My Troubles Away

So, I decided to try a spinning class today. My gym calls it "Power Pedal" but it's spinning. I used to do it and loved it and so I decided to get back into it now that I'm back at the gym. I also figured that since yesterday was a long day on the treadmill, I would try something different today.

It was great. Fifty minutes of biking and sweating and just enjoying the endorphins. It was a nice change up for a day and it gave me time to just enjoy the burn and think about some things and mull them over/get them in and out of my head. Definitely a good workout. I'm going to sign up again for next Monday!

I'm so happy to be getting into the exercise finally...it feels great and it really burns off some emotional energy too!

2 hours 34 minutes=5.755 miles!

So, I went in for my annual ob/gyn appointment on Thursday (more about that in another post). The point is that by the official doctor's office scale, I have lost 22 pounds since the middle of August. SHOCKING, I KNOW! Well, I can't really get into it, but I've had some motivation and it is working.

I joined a gym so I could go swimming, works been getting in the way of that lately, but I started and I hope to get back there this week. In the meantime, I've been really trying to use my treadmill. I've been watching episodes of "Alias" while I walk/jog on it. An episode of "Alias" is approximately 45 minutes long, so I'm hoping to eventually work up to 15 minutes of walking (warm up/cool down) and 30 minutes of jogging. My goal is for at least 5 days a week, but so far I'm trying to just do it at least every other day.

So, last week I could only get on for about 25 minutes on Sunday and then the rest of the week was super busy both personally and professionally, so no treadmill the rest of the week. I had an article due for work and finally completed that on Saturday, so Sunday I got up and got motivated. I decided to finish the episode of "Alias" I didn't complete the week before, then watch another full episode. I got through that and thought about stopping, but since I hadn't been on all week, I felt guilty and so I ended up walking through another episode of "Alias". A total of 2 1/2 episodes of "Alias" ended up being 2 hours 34 minutes on the treadmill for a total of 5.755 miles! Amazing and I felt great afterwards. Now I know that a slow pace for miles per minute, but the point is I did it!

After my shower (I'm trying to embrace the sweatiness of the treadmill-not my overall favorite feeling, but getting used to it) I decided to weigh myself. I hadn't been on the scale since Thursday. I got on and since Thursday, I was down another 4 pounds! Now, I'm taking my home scale with a grain of salt (since it's never the same as the doctor's office one) but still even if it's off a little at least it's still going down!!!! Yeah me!

Bedside Reading

So, I stopped at Barnes & Nobles to pick up another special order. This time it was this book: The Fertility Handbook: A Guide to Getting Pregnant. Has anyone out there read it? If so, did you like it? I know it is slightly dated (copyright 2002)but I have heard good things about the doctor who wrote the book, so I decided to try it. My stack of infertility books is pretty high. At some point I'll do a post covering the different books I've already got and what I think about them. If I added up all the books I've purchased about getting pregnant, pregnancy, baby name books, female health books, I could probably afford at least 1/10th of the cost of IVF! Now, off to the treadmill, then some new infertility bedside reading!

Sydney Bristow is Still My Hero!

Jennifer Garner is pregnant again! She is one of my favorite actresses, fit, no nonsense, great with her daughter, and honest about her pregnancy issues (exercise, breastfeeding, etc.). I think she is an awesome role model, even if she doesn't suffer from any infertility issues. I have always liked her work and loved her as Sydney Bristow in "Alias". She is an inspiration to have a healthy pregnancy.

So, while I am still not pregnant some things have been occurring. I lost 20 pounds in the last month. I've been cutting back on my portions and being more conscience of my eating habits. I joined a gym with a pool and have started swimming laps again. I've started actually using my treadmill again (while watching episodes of "Alias"). Things have been very positive lately and I can't really say the reason out loud, but recent events have just made me happier; have made me want to take better care of myself and try to focus back on trying to have a baby! It's time to stop feeling so depressed and discouraged and really do something about it.

On that note, after talking to a few friends, I decided to get a second opinion. Another RE was highly recommended by two people I know who had positive results from her (twins both times) and so I made a point to schedule a consultation with her. Of course she is booked solid till March, but I have heard she gets better results than my last doctor and it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion. Plus if the only solution really is IVF, that gives me 6 months to come up with the money for it. I'm not happy that by the time I see this woman I will be 39, but that also means that time is hitting a critical running out stage and maybe this is a sign that I need to be more proactive with all this and not get bogged down on all the disappointments.

In the meantime, one of my best friends is almost due to have her 5th child and while I am slightly jealous, I can't wait to be an auntie again! Well, things are looking a little brighter in my thoughts at least, so hopefully I can keep these positive thoughts going and concentrate on getting ready for this consultation in March.

Time for a Change

Whew...it's been forever since I've had time to post here or even wanted to post here. This past year at work was hellish, but I survived and now my outlook is a little different on things. I've missed writing, but an infertility blog is not much if you don't have much to write about! Still no baby and not enough money set aside to pay for IVF....total bummer if I think about it.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about making some changes to this blog. I still want it to be an infertility blog, but I think I want it to be more. I've actually finally started getting into exercising (more on that in another post) and I've lost 15 pounds, but I'm not sure if I want to keep the name of this blog. Sometimes I think it limits what I can talk about here. I actually have another name in mind and I'm really debating whether I should make the switch and truly re-start this blog. I don't want it to go away, but I want more motivation to keep posting to it and I do hope I could get some constructive/positive feedback that will help support my struggle with my emotions over my infertility and my life. Maybe I am being a bit narcassitic, but while I want the anonymity of a blog to vent my frustrations and explore things in my life that I can't or don't want to share with my friends or family, I do want to know that someone out there is listening to me and gets the things I worry about, especially pertaining to this horrid thing called "infertility".

So, please bare with me and give me a few days....you might come back to a slightly revamped blog with a new name and added blogging flavor on the incites in my infertility and how it effects my life.

Thanks for being patient and being there for me, those of you who have actually been reading this blog. Back soon, I promise.

2...6...4!

My Stats
CD=15
Weight=264
BMI=44.1
Offspring=ZERO!

I'm back...battered and bruised from the holidays, but I'm back. I'm also stepping up to the plate and admitting it! I got on the scale (after a very long absence) and had XY weight me. (Please, we are WAAAYYY past the innocent, new married couple stage!) It was a WHOPPING 268.2! I quickly coughed up a "juicy rationalization" with the fact that it was the end of the day and I was fully clothed!

In the harsh, morning after the bathroom/getting ready routine with just my basic necessities (just can't get on the scale totally nude...just can't) on, I came out a slightly less whopping 264. That's my number and I'm sticking to it!

I am officially entering the year 2008 with a starting weight of 264!

Let the games begin!

Count My Blessings???

It has been a busy time of the year for me at work and I feel rotten that I haven't been able to keep up with the blog as much as I would like right now. Things have been happening emotionally and personally with the infertility issues, but I'm also getting slammed at work and the fact that I can't access my personal e-mail accounts from work and really shouldn't be posting to blogs using work computers has severely limited my ability to post right now.

Thanksgiving was good, but everywhere I turn I'm hearing about babies and people with infertility success stories. I should be thankful for my health and my husband but right now I just feel rotten that my infertility story is not yet a success.

Please keep reading (if anyone out there is reading this), I promise I will post a longer blog note later in the week. I have things to say about my last contact with the RE's office, other infertility blogs, how the exercise is going, and what my hopes/plans are for next year on the infertility front. It's just been a bit busy with work around here lately and some issues concerning family members that have really kept me from the computer.

Honestly more will come soon....

Tricking & Treating for IVF

CD-20
TT=47 1/2 min
TM=2 mi
TTM=7.905 mi

Alias
Episode=S1E3"Parity"

Happy Halloween Everyone! I totally love Halloween. I love watching all the kids dress up in their costumes (most cute...but why do parents let their 8 year olds dress up as horror characters with the drippy blood...ewww "lost innocence") and come to the door for candy. It's the one time of the year I try not to feel guilty about feeding kids sugar and making them super hyperactive.

I (of course) bought way too much candy. We only got about 25 kids ringing the doorbell, so we ended up giving each kid three pieces of candy and still had some left over! Should I feel guilty that we didn't put the reese's peanut butter cups into the dish until the end (so there are A LOT of them left)?

The most ingenious costume, a girl dress up 1/2 as a devil and 1/2 as an angel. The cutest costume, a brother and sister dressed up as super girl and super man/boy. Halloween is a night where even if you don't have kids you can still be happy for all the children out there enjoying being kids!

As for me, I dressed up as an infertile haus frau for the holiday. (It wasn't a hard costume to make...I've had years of practice!) Next year I'd like to go as a "Mommy" but that would involve a lot of fertility drugs and medical procedures to happen.

On that note, I'm off to eat a lot of left over Halloween candy...pass me a reese's peanut butter cup will ya?!

Sydney Bristow (aka Jennifer Garner) is My Hero!

CD-13
TT(Treadmill Time)=2 hr 24 min
TM (Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi
TTM (Total Treadmill Miles)=5.905 mi

Alias

Episode=S1E1 "Truth Be Told" & S1E2 "So It Begins"
(S1E#=Season 1, Episode #)

I have a treadmill. It gathers a lot of dust. I bought it almost two years ago after my father passed away. It was supposed to be a symbol of a new life, a change in attitude. I was going to turn over a new leaf and become a lover of exercise, a new thinner, happier, healthier me. The dust is probably an inch thick by now and I am not a single pound lighter, but I have a plan.

I love the TV show "Alias". I have all five seasons on DVD and I've made a pact with myself. I'm going to re-watch every episode from start to finish, but I can't watch them unless I'm doing it while I walk/run on the treadmill. Sure Jennifer Garner didn't seem to have any problems conceiving her daughter, Violet, but she definitely seems to be a parent who likes the outdoors and getting exercise. Plus, the character she played on "Alias" (Sydney Bristow) could definitely kick ass against the bad guys and was always knee deep in exercise and action. I can't think of a better role model for trying to get my PCOS, overweight body in gear and try to embrace exercise, lose some weight, and hopefully make my body more fertility friendly.

The goal is to try to watch several episodes a week (although one a day would be perfect) while I'm walking on the treadmill. Each episode is about 45 minutes long (without commercials) and I think that's a good goal, especially if I work up to an episode a day. It's certainly more than I have been doing.

I started this past Sunday and watched most of the pilot (which was longer than an average episode). I ended up walking for 50 minutes and watching about 2/3rds of "Truth Be Told". Monday was super busy and I was a bit tired from the day before, but Tuesday morning I got up early for me (5:30am) and watched the rest of the pilot and then that evening I watched episode 2 (So It Begins) for a total daily time of 92 minutes. I've started off with zero incline and about a 2.5 mile speed/pace. I'm hoping to increase the incline by 1 degree each month and increase my speed by 1/2 a mile each month until I reach a 5 mile pace or have gone from walking for at least 1/2 hour to jog/running for at least 1/2 hour each session. (I can walk the rest of the episode time as a warm up/cool down period).

I think I'm off to a good start and I really think the whole "can't watch an episode of 'Alias' unless I do it while on the treadmill" will be a good motivator to get me started on the road to enjoying exercise. So stay tuned for further updates!

Robbing a Bank for Sperm

CD-0.5 (sort of started spotting yesterday and today, but no "full" day yet)
Weight-thank goodness, I have an excuse not to know...no scale to weight myself available.

Pull up the getaway car...I'm not getting any younger, no time ever seems like a good-time (i.e. debt free and able to pull 12K out of a savings account)...it's time to rob my security nets.

I think I've almost gotten used to the idea that I am a failure at conceiving naturally and I am "again" not getting any younger. The only way I'm doing this is IVF with ICSI (praying it will work and not all be one horrible waste of money and time and emotions). So, I think I'm at the point where I can actually make the call to close out an old retirement account I have from a previous job, close out a bank account that was my dad's before he passed away and pool every last darn bit of loose change from the couch cushions and get this thing done. I've begun dreading the next phone call from the RE's office when they ask if I want to do the IVF in November, basically if I have the money. I'm thinking it's time for me to be proactive and pull the funds, make the plan, and contact them before they call me and I go into "panic" mode again.

On that note, I want to say "Thank You" to Pamplemousse for inspiring me. If she can once again get on a 15 hour flight to try to make her dreams come true, then who am I to get an anxiety attack about closing out a couple of bank accounts and scrabbling around for enough money to even try this once? Please, please, please if any of you are out there reading this, send as many positive thoughts to Pamplemousse tomorrow as you can!