New Addition

No, I'm not pregnant (darn) and we are not fostering (darn) and I haven't adopted (darn)but....my 21 year old nephew is now living with us! 15 years of marriage and no kids and suddenly I am living with a 51 year old husband (yes, my husband is 10 years older than me and set in his ways thus part of the frustration with not adopting or fostering--can't convince him it would be awesome for us, not that he wouldn't, but he's not that motivated when it comes to anything too difficult, like I said set in his ways) and now I have a 21 year old man/boy living here too. Trying to find a balance--I'm just the aunt, not the mom (my sister/his mom passed away 8 years ago) but he needs guidance and support so that's my story. It's new, it's different, it's only been a week! I know I like having a "kid" (or at least another person) in the house, but we'll see how it goes and hopefully I can give the boy some much needed love and guidance as we try to get him into community college and working towards some kind of degree/career so he has some direction in life. I'll keep you posted with updates!
P.S. For you crafters/knitters out there I added a new button for "Craftlit" a cool podcast/website that talks about crafting/knitting and she reads from classic works of literature...up this month for Halloween..."Dracula"...it's fun to listen to..try it!

Good for Jennifer Garner

Let's see-

-I'm happy that Jennifer Garner is having another baby (she's one of my favorite earth mama type moms).

-I'm sad I still don't have any children of my own.

-I'm frustrated that my husband knows I want children, but doesn't really talk about fostering or adoption at all (rare occassion, for about 5 minutes, then it's like it never came up)

-I'm tired of everyone around me having babies or toddlers or tween/teenagers.

-I hate having health issues (Diabetes Type 2, PCOS/Infertility, now blood pressure/heart issues)...I know I know...then why want kids with all the health issues, but I do, I still want kids.

That's it--it's been an anxious, stressful weekend and I need to concentrate on losing weight and losing some of this anxiety/stress.

Enough for now, I really don't know what to say when you have an infertility blog, but can't afford IVF and have a husband who doesn't really want to adopt/foster--at least he's not jumping up to do it....what else can I say on a blog about infertility when I feel like I'm just stagnating. Any suggestions out there?

Limbo

I'm still here, but I'm not sure what to say. It's been almost a year since the 2nd IVF attempt and the 2nd miscarriage. I've been pretty lost and somedays I think just move on and your getting better, then someone asks me if I'm going to keep trying or try IVF again or are we going to foster or are we going to adopt and everytime I respond, I feel like a failure...I don't know, it costs money we don't have, my insurance doesn't cover, the doctors moved on to the next patient with money or better insurance coverage, life is busy, my job is stressful, I am not sure if I want to stay with my husband, what if my ambivalence at my marriage made me lose the babies, what if I screwed up, what if I exercised too much, what if I am too fat and if I just lost more weight I would get pregnant, what if, what if, what if....all I know is that I'm not happy about some things and yet I like other things I have in my life that I didn't before all this....and through it all I know that people are selfish (myself included probably) and I at least understand why whatever higher power is in this universe made the female of the species the baby carrier, the nurturer, the mother, but what a cruel twist if you are the female species and want to get pregnant and can't....then what is the point? And if there is another point, how do you figure out what it is?
.....in the meantime I still read the blogs, though most of the people I read have gone through the struggle and come out triumphant, I need to find some new blogs of people who are still struggling or people who accepted defeat gracefully and can guide me to feeling okay about life without children, so if anyone out there is reading this and knows some good blogs for me to follow of fellow first time strugglers or people who have gracefully moved on with life sans kids, please let me know....I need some support I guess and in the meantime I do have things to say, I just don't know how to say them without judgement....but I am still here, just here is "limbo".

Absolutely Honored

I am a devoted follower of Thalia even if I don't make a lot of comment posts. I find her brilliant and warm and absolutely honest about her infertility trials and tribulations and successes. She gives me hope, even if I've pretty much lost it now. It's like Meg Ryan says in You've Got Mail..."there is the dream of someone". I am now at that stage...all roads have failed, I would adopt in a heartbeat if my husband would even suggest he wanted to, instead of walking out of the room the minute I bring it up, I dream of a child someday with desperate longing and despair. Much has happened in the last year...many disappointments, IVF appointments, miscarriages, and I just haven't been able to write about it. But the other day I was at Thalia's website and saw a badge of honor...I finally made her list of blogs to check out. So I guess that it's time I get back on the horse and tell my story of the past year. Work is hectic this coming week, end of the year wrap up and reports, but after this week, I will come back and I will start to tell the tale..the good, the bad, and even among the shattered hopes and dreams, I still yearn for a child in my future even if deep inside I know that I will never be a winner.

Men, Marriage Counseling and Maybe some Hope

It has been a wild not so fun ride these past 6 months...I have totally lost focus on who I am and who I want to be. I finally realized I was depressed about my marriage and the baby not happening thing and well....I let myself be sidetracked by men who showed an interest when my husband did not. I'm going to be honest here and say "NO....I did not sleep with any one else" but I was flattered by the attention of other men who made me realize that I am not dead and that I do want a baby but a baby should not define me but I think it actually does or the lack of one does. Does that sound harsh? I am not trying to say a baby will make everything hunky dorrie but I am saying that it is actually quite important for me to have a child and continue to make a go at trying to have my own child. I want a child, I want my husband to want to have a child with me to be more engaged in our marriage and OUR family unit and his seeming apathy because he doesn't like to "plan" has worn thin these past several months and I have let myself be sidetracked, not a good thing but there I've said it and I've been using these past six months to really work on myself for me, not for him....is it working, not 100% but I think some progress has been made and I certainly have gained a friend and well more up soon on the trip to the new Reporductive Endocrinologist/Infertility Specialist but I just wanted to at least post some kind of blog because it has been so long....I definitely need some support...

Where Have I Been?....even i don't know

I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole. I haven't been updating this web site very much in the last few months and if I'm honest with myself it is because I have been depressed and confused all this past Autumn. Depressed about not having a child, about my marriage, and in turn that affects my life. I know I shouldn't put so much into my status as a non-mother, but it just makes me reevaluate all the other things in my life I could be doing and haven't or thinking that I am a failure at procreation, what other things have I wanted in life that I have failed at as well?

In turn I have been very angry at my husband for what seems to be his apathy at the baby making process/let's have a child whethere by birth or adoption, his apathy in my opinion towards our marriage and I just have gotten a bit overwhelmed at my feelings of loneliness and failure and have gotten sidetracked by the attention of others. Honestly....I know that sounds sad or pathetic, but a person needs validation from somewhere and I just haven't been getting it at all lately on any fronts. And so I have lost focus on the baby thing (well not really, just trying not to think about it as much while waiting to see my hopefully new infertility doctor in March), on my marriage, and on my goals in life. It's just all so lonely and hard feeling like you are alone in life even if your husband is living right there in the same house as you.

Does anyone else out there ever feel the same way? If so, what do you do to cope?

Getting to the "Make It or Break It" Line

So, I did a dance of joy yesterday morning when I got on the scale and was down another three pounds! That makes it a total of 28 pounds I've lost since the middle of August!

Usually I plateau at 30 pounds then end up backsliding. I've got two more pounds to go till I hit 30 pounds lost and I am going to do my damnest to break that 30 line and keep going.

I've been taking a spinning (exercise bike) class on Mondays, yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays and trying to treadmill on the "off" days. I haven't gotten much swimming in lately but I think I'm going to try to do that on the weekends with my work schedule the way it is unless something changes.

In the meantime though, I've signed up for a personal trainer! I have my first session today and I'm trying to schedule her for Wednesdays and Fridays which would give me at least five straight days of some form of organized exercise! I am nervous about it, but I know it is the right thing to do. I need to start weight training so I can firm everything up and I want some one to show me the "proper" form. I am worried I look horrible in front of all the "already thing" exercise junkies at the gym, but I keep telling myself that "Rome wasn't built in a day" (of course, I also try not to think about the fact that "Rome also burned down") and a little embarrassment is worth it if I get the results I want in the long run.

I keep telling myself that 38 is still young and that I should want to be fit, healthy, and try to look prettier for not only myself but others. I keep thinking that my new RE appointment is in March and that 28 pounds is no mean feet in two months and at this rate I could lose another 60 pounds by March if I keep it up and don't plateau too much. That would put me not back at the weight my BMI rating says I should be, but it would definitely give me a healthier BMI to show the doctor and the weight lost would make it easier for me to hopefully support IVF and hopefully make it "stick".

So, while a very nervous me grabs my gym togs to take to work today, I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. That I am shaking off this "no baby" depression and doing something positive for myself (even if I know I'll look like a cow this afternoon at the gym)!

"Mooving" right along towards a healthy me! I'll let you know how horrid it was tonight!