Saturday, November 20, 2010


I'm still here, but I'm not sure what to say. It's been almost a year since the 2nd IVF attempt and the 2nd miscarriage. I've been pretty lost and somedays I think just move on and your getting better, then someone asks me if I'm going to keep trying or try IVF again or are we going to foster or are we going to adopt and everytime I respond, I feel like a failure...I don't know, it costs money we don't have, my insurance doesn't cover, the doctors moved on to the next patient with money or better insurance coverage, life is busy, my job is stressful, I am not sure if I want to stay with my husband, what if my ambivalence at my marriage made me lose the babies, what if I screwed up, what if I exercised too much, what if I am too fat and if I just lost more weight I would get pregnant, what if, what if, what if....all I know is that I'm not happy about some things and yet I like other things I have in my life that I didn't before all this....and through it all I know that people are selfish (myself included probably) and I at least understand why whatever higher power is in this universe made the female of the species the baby carrier, the nurturer, the mother, but what a cruel twist if you are the female species and want to get pregnant and can't....then what is the point? And if there is another point, how do you figure out what it is? the meantime I still read the blogs, though most of the people I read have gone through the struggle and come out triumphant, I need to find some new blogs of people who are still struggling or people who accepted defeat gracefully and can guide me to feeling okay about life without children, so if anyone out there is reading this and knows some good blogs for me to follow of fellow first time strugglers or people who have gracefully moved on with life sans kids, please let me know....I need some support I guess and in the meantime I do have things to say, I just don't know how to say them without judgement....but I am still here, just here is "limbo".