Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Starting Line

My Stats

Weight-259 lb

Do you ever feel like you are constantly starting a project but never finishing it? I sometimes feel like Sisyphus. (The guy in mythology who constantly had to roll a rock up a hill.)

I feel like I keep starting a goal to lose weight and be healthier so that I can get pregnant and then it stalls. I know a lot of the time it is subconscious depression about two years of infertility treatments and no baby yet. (If I realize that does it make it subconscious?) I know that hearing my RE say after four attempts at IUI with fertility drugs that the next step was IVF (which we don't really have the money for right now) was a disappointment. I know that having to tell the RE's office that we can't do IVF#1 in September because we don't have the money to pay for it by then felt like a mountain was sitting on my chest. What I don't know is why with all these set backs, I still don't have the will power to see the goal of losing weight for not only my health, but also for a better chance at a viable pregnancy and stick with eating healthy, exercising, and taking my medications properly?

And so, I start again. It is almost September 1st. The company is out of the house. There are no "major" detractors (like the holidays or family stress) to get in my way. It is an optimal time to start fresh. This being the last week of August and my part crazy, part depressing infertility abounds summer, I have one week to get my s*!% together and get started on (and stick to) a new game plan.

Stay tuned!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Baby, I'm Back!


Weight-259.4 lb

I'm really sorry for the long absence. It has been a wild, crazy, and heart heavy summer. The vacation to Maine was AWESOME. Eventually I'd like to post some pictures. I'm trying to use up a roll of film so I can get the pictures developed all at once. Really must get a digital camera one of these days.

When we got back to the casa, we were descended upon by my mother and my niece and nephew from Virginia. Mom stayed for a month and the kids were here for two weeks. The two weeks "almost" went quickly and the kids kept my mom busy and the house lively. It really made XY and I realize how much lonelier it can be without a child in the house.

Mom left on Monday night. It was really hard. We kind of got used to having her here, but at the same time we missed having the house to ourselves. I'm glad that XY and I are back to being by ourselves and concentrating on our needs and trying to have a baby. At the same time, I know that my mom going back to living with my one sister isn't the best living arrangement for her permanently, but it will have to do for now. It made the end of the visit kind of tense, but we all survived it.

The hard thing was that last week (while mom was still here) the RE's office called about their IVF cycle rotation and whether they should keep us on the board as a "go" for September. It was very emotional for me, knowing that we don't have the money yet and that I would have to tell them to take us off the September board. More on that in my next post. Mainly it was just hard trying to discuss that stuff and process it with XY and myself with other people in the house listening. (It's not the biggest house and it's hard to hide things from your mother.) It made for several very grouchy days around the house. Needless to say we are not doing IVF#1 in September. We are now on the board for November, so I need to really get my act together and try to lose some weight and figure out the whole where to get some money to pay for it without resorting to robbing a bank. Anyone have any ideas or want to tell me how you ended up affording your IVF/infertility treatments when your health insurance wouldn't cover IVF/IUI?