Saturday, January 24, 2009

Where Have I Been?....even i don't know

I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole. I haven't been updating this web site very much in the last few months and if I'm honest with myself it is because I have been depressed and confused all this past Autumn. Depressed about not having a child, about my marriage, and in turn that affects my life. I know I shouldn't put so much into my status as a non-mother, but it just makes me reevaluate all the other things in my life I could be doing and haven't or thinking that I am a failure at procreation, what other things have I wanted in life that I have failed at as well?

In turn I have been very angry at my husband for what seems to be his apathy at the baby making process/let's have a child whethere by birth or adoption, his apathy in my opinion towards our marriage and I just have gotten a bit overwhelmed at my feelings of loneliness and failure and have gotten sidetracked by the attention of others. Honestly....I know that sounds sad or pathetic, but a person needs validation from somewhere and I just haven't been getting it at all lately on any fronts. And so I have lost focus on the baby thing (well not really, just trying not to think about it as much while waiting to see my hopefully new infertility doctor in March), on my marriage, and on my goals in life. It's just all so lonely and hard feeling like you are alone in life even if your husband is living right there in the same house as you.

Does anyone else out there ever feel the same way? If so, what do you do to cope?