Bummed Out and Broke

I've wanted to post-really. It's just that ever since the RE said we were done with IUI and the next step was IVF, I've been feeling like a failure. Okay, I've felt like a failure in the reproductive department longer than that, but add on the cost of doing this business and I am scared that we will scrap up the money for IVF#1 and it will end up being a bust. I know, I know...think positively, but it's hard.

Neither XY's or my insurance plans covers IVF, so we are trying to figure out where to scrap up the money for the procedure. I've been dragging my feet on closing out a retirement account from a previous job that I haven't even put any money into for about 7 years, (Coincidentally, right when we started trying to have a baby). Over time the interest has rolled itself over and now the account would cover about 2/3rd's the cost of IVF. Luckily my insurance should cover the cost of the fertility drugs (since it did for the IUIs).

That account has been my fall back emergency fund (at least in my mind). XY is not the financial planner and so I'm the one constantly worrying about the bills, the credit cards, the mortgage, car loan, doctor's bills, and the savings account that is constantly getting depleted for emergency items (like car tires or Grey's Anatomy Season 3 on DVD).

So, it's been a month of brooding and worrying and putting off the inevitable. I can't shake the feeling that IVF#1 will be like jumping off a diving board with your eyes closed and not knowing if you are going to land in nice, cool blue water or hit rock, hard concrete. This is where I picture the scheduling nurse from my RE's office calling up and leaving a message on the machine telling me "you'll never know until you try, but don't forget payment in full is required before you take the plunge!"

The only good thing about this month has been a much anticipated arrival in the community of infertility blogs. Mazel tov to Thalia on the arrival of POB!